Alone

From a young age, we learn how it feels to be abandoned. A best friend at school moves away. Mom and dad separate and divorce. That girl or boy we thought back then we would spend the rest of our lives with, decides we are not the one. But, we move forward and with time, we try to forget how much it hurt.

It continues throughout life, from time to time. And as we age, it becomes almost expected. So, we harden our hearts, pretend we don't care or just accept that people come..and people go.

Family is not supposed to fall under this banner. When we were living a more simple life not that long ago, to be cast into exile by your Clan was considered one of the worst punishments. A man without his family...his Clan...is not a man at all, but a shadow of his former self.

"Who will accept this wanderer?"

"What did he do to deserve such a cruel sentence?"

"Avoid him!"

"Move on stranger, we don't care for men with no people.”

Nowadays, there are so many people in the world, we could never feel like that...like the men of old who walked alone in life. Yet here we are, so many who feel alone. Abandoned by the ones we love.

Wary people will not show kindness to the forsaken. We see it in their eyes, the way they hold themselves, the way they walk. We see them, but we cannot look into those tortured eyes because that is our fear, to be like them...alone.

Abandonment is not just the sudden departure of a person. Many couples live in the same abode, sit at the same table, and are with each other on a daily basis yet, they may feel abandoned by their partner. A lack of support, intimacy, communication or genuine love and consideration can sow the seeds of abandonment.

It may not even be noticed at first, but in time, it's possible to end up living with a virtual stranger. Then the memories of how things used to bring sadness, which turns to anger which can eventually lead to resentment. And unless both are willing to do what is necessary (or the alternative, do nothing and accept this life alone), then separation/divorce is inevitable.

*******

My separation and subsequent divorce taught me a lot. Having young children complicated matters tenfold, and in hindsight, I could have done much better.

The way I treated my ex-wife and how I handled things, especially to do with my kids, wasn't ok.

I didn't consider how difficult a position they were in...the difficult position we were all in. I should have given more thought to how they felt and what our choices were doing to them.

And now, I have to live with the outcome. Twin girls who have just turned seventeen and don't want to see me. Only one speaks to me, by text on birthdays and at Christmas. I have had to accept they want little to do with me and I have no one to blame but myself.

I wish I had done things differently. Been a better husband, a better father...a better dad. But, fear and the pain of loss blinded me. I didn't see what, or who, really mattered.

My hope is that one day they will forgive me and let me back into their lives. I was a good dad once upon a time, and I hope they will remember.

Now, people are wary of me. They see in my eyes, the way I hold myself, the way I walk. They fear me and I don't blame them. To have no family, no Clan. Abandoned by those who once thought of me as a leader...alone.