A Clockwork Western (Work In Progress)

THIS IS A WORK IN PROGRESS, BUT THE (EXTREMELY REPETITIOUS) LYRICS TO I GOTTA FEELING WILL HAVE A SIGNIFICANT ROLE IN IT!



Festus wasn’t your typical deputy, if he was a deputy at all, but then again, Dodge City wasn’t your typical 1880s old western city either. Every day started out the same, with the town’s sheriff, a tall drink of water if ever there was one, shooting some unseen (and unknown) stranger on the main drag in a quick draw for no apparent reason.

Stranger yet is that in the early days of Dodge, everything was black and white, and it wasn’t until 9 or 10 years later into its existence did color come into the town.

On the day this particular story takes place, Miss Kitty is tending bar at the local saloon/cathouse she runs as several cowpokes sit around playing poker and shooting the bull.

The batwing doors swing open and Festus enters, loping his loping stride.

“Well, howdy, Miss Kitty. I didn’t expect to see you here!”

“Where else would I be,” she replies somewhat indignantly. “I’m always here. The producers of this show won’t allow me to be in any other scenes.”

“Well that’s a darn shame,” Festus says. “I’ll talk to the sheriff and see if he can do something about that. Speaking of which, you haven’t seen that tall drink of water if ever there was one, have you?”

Off to the side, one of the producers almost yells “Cut!” to reprimand Festus for going off script, but at the last moment he decides to let it go.

“If you’re talking about Sheriff Dillon,” Miss Kitty says, brushing one of her long red curls out of her face, “then no, I haven’t. The last time I saw him was at the beginning of this morning’s show when he shot that unseen and unknown stranger on the main drag in a quick draw for no apparent reason.”

“Well, that’s a darn shame,” Festus says with his overused and obnoxiously irritating catchphrase. “Seems that Chester fellow disappeared too.”

“Chester?” asks a voice from the end of the bar. Sadly, that’s the only word this character will ever say in the show since he’s just an extra they picked up off the street.

“Oh, yeah. Chester,” says Miss Kitty. “I remember him. He was played by Dennis Weaver back in the days when this was only a 30 minute show.”

Festus was confused now more than ever by Miss Kitty’s comments. “Miss Kitty, why do you keep speaking of this town as a ‘show’? Are we not real, but merely characters in some person’s sick and twisted imagination to do with as they please? Do we not feel? Do we not cry? Do we not have a soul?”

“You’re really over-thinking this, Festus. Why don’t you pull up a stool and let me buy you a drink? What’ll it be? Some orange juice? A Shirley Temple? Maybe some grape Kool Aid on the rocks?”

“This is the 1880s. Kool Aid hasn’t even been invented yet.”

Festus looked around. “Who said that,” he asked.

The fact of that matter was that none of them knew who said that because the writer didn’t use a speech tag! But the writer knew who said it, and he will reveal this juicy bit of information in the following paragraph!

Just then, the batwing doors swung open and a tall drink of water if ever there was one stepped into the saloon.



TO BE CONTINUED…