I Wish I Could

This story is available on Wattpad, Dreame, and Inkitt under the user musiclover13980. This is just an excerpt from the first chapters. It is mainly updated in Inkitt.


•|Prologue|•

I saw all the signs.

But I did nothing.

I never thought it would come to this.

I wish I would've tried to help him,

I wish I never took him for-granted,

I wish I could go back in time,

And make this all right,

But I can't.

It's too late,

He's gone forever,

I could've helped,

And told him what he meant to me.

That's why I'm standing here now. In-front of his grave in the pouring rain telling him how much he meant to me, and how much I loved him. I loved how he loved nature and books. How he would enjoy the simplest and smallest things and life. I loved every imperfection about him. He was perfect to me. In every way I can think of.

It tears me apart. We can't be together, but now we can. I left a letter on the table at home. Explaining how I can't live without him in my life. And now I'm going. I'm going to be with him once again.




•| Chapter one|•

August 17th, 2017

I couldn't breathe, I couldn't see either. Everything was blending together. The voice sounded like it was far away, very far away. When in reality Mrs. Kenner was standing right beside me, telling me Brandon committed suicide as police officers walked in and out of their two story white picket fence house.

"No," I barely whispered shaking my head violently, and sending my long wavy hair with it. "He promised me he-."

"Yes, I found him in the attic this morning. Af-after finding hi-his n-note on h-his b-b-bed," her voice wavered and her forest green eyes looked pained and dark. Not there usual bright color, but a darker shade. Her usual strong and confident being was broken and unsure. Her usual smile was gone and replaced with tears and a frown.

"Th-This was on his b-bed, it's addressed to you. I-I don't know what's in it. For it's y-your's." She stumbled over her words, trying to be strong. For me, and for Seira.

She's always been a strong, independent woman. Even after her husband past she still stood tall. You would think she's okay, but on the inside she is dying.

They could hear her cry from there rooms at night as she broke. All the pain she hides and her acting throughout the day has taken their toll on her.

This time it will be her son, not her husband . This time it is her baby. Her baby boy who at the ripe age of 18 took his life. This type of burden will never be lifted from her shoulders.

"It'll get better, with time sweetie," she tried to reassure me. No, I thought, the pain just becomes easier to bare. To live with.
"It's also okay to let your feelings out. To show how you're truly feeling. To show your not okay," I tell her.
The look on her face tore me up before she started sobbing. I gave her a hug, rubbing her back as tears rolled down my face too.

It felt like forever that we just stayed like that, when really it was only ten minutes.

She pulled away first as a police officer asked her if she could answer some questions. She said, "yes, just give me a minute."

"Take your time," the woman said.

"Autumn, bring Seira to the police station p-please? She's over at Ashley's house. You know where that is is right?"

"Yes, do you want me to, to t-tell h-her? " I asked, dead of emotions.

" The sooner the better, and coming from you will make it easier on her I think."

~

"I'll see you soon! " A happy Seira yelled back to her friend Ashley as we walked down the street.

How am I going to tell her? To ruin her day, week, life? How am I supposed to tell a fifteen year old girl that her older brother, who she loves and idolizes with all her heart, isn't with us anymore? How do I break her heart and dreams?

"Seria, your mom asked me to come get you."

"Well, duh. Why else would you be picking me up? "

" Here, let's go sit on the swings for a minute while we talk, " I instruct as we pass by a tiny park.

You can do this. Just rip the band-aid off.

"Seria, it's Brandon."

"What?"

"Brandon, he-" I just couldn't bring myself to tell her.

"He what? Come on Autumn, you can't just leave me hanging like that!" She whined. "Did he finally ask you out?"

"What? No. He, ummm, look Seria..."

"You're making me nervous, tell me?" I started picking at my cuticles, trying not to let the tears come. "Autumn, what's going on?"

My eyes betrayed me, the tears just running down my face. "H-he, he's gone," I sobbed.

"Wh-what do you mean gone?"

"He's gone. He's fucking gone.... gone.... gone," I kept repeating the word, it was the only word that seemed to come out of my mouth.

"Autumn, what the hell is going on? What do you mean he's gone?"

Looking into her eyes, I could see her unshed tears threatening to break loose.

"He committed suicide," I barley whispered out. After a few moments I didn't think she heard me until I looked up. She was shaking her head rapidly.

"No, no no no no."

She started sobbing as I held her in my arms. I bet we looked like crazy people, both of us standing in the middle of a park crying our hearts out.




•|Chapter Two|•

August 22nd, 2017

It's been five days since his death. Five dreadful, long, painful days. Today is the funeral. I've been helping his mom a lot, and Seria and I have spent so much time together cooking goodies, although they didn't need any. Many neighbors brought them food.

"Autumn, honey?" My mom called trough my bedroom door before coming in. I was sitting on my bed with a picture of me and him together on the railway bridge. It's our favorite spot, or it use to be.

"We have to leave in ten minutes, are you ready?" Am I ready to put my best friend six feet under? No, no I'm not ready. I'll never be ready.

"Yes mom, I'll be out in a few." She looked at me with guilt and pain before lightly closing the door.

I took a deep breath in before putting the picture back into the nightstand drawer. I slowly got up off of my bed and walked over to my door.

We were about to pull out of the driveway when I remembered something. I quickly got out of the car mumbling, "I forgot something."

I ran into the house running into the basement. I ran over to the place where I knew it was. Gently I pulled it out from it's hiding place before walking back up the stairs and out to the car.

Once we were at the church, I couldn't help but notice all of the people from school who where their. Why are they here, they didn't even care.

I walked up to the shiny black casket, it was closed. Knowing his mom, she probably wouldn't want it to be open with a bunch of strangers milling around. Especially sense they're here.

I spotted Mrs. Kenner across the church accepting hugs from a bunch of people. I waited until she was alone, and was heading to the pews. I lightly tapped her shoulder. She turned around, once she saw it was me she lit up.

"Autumn, honey. Do you want to sit upfront with me?"

"If I could? Anyways, I was wondering...." I started.

" Yeah?"

" Could I put this into his casket?" I asked, holding the wooden box up higher for her to see.

She smiled, but it wasn't throwing me. " Of course," she responded before walking further into the church.

I walked over to the casket, and slowly lifted up the lid. I heard it was bad, but I just never thought it was this bad.

His neck was all sorts of colors from purple to blue, to black. His face was paler then normal. My vision was becoming blurry, I hurried up and opened the bottom hate of the casket and put the box down by his feet. I don't know why, but something just clicked. It's like it finally sunk in that he was gone once I caught sight of his hands. They were so skinny, had bruises, and we're all cut up.

After I gave him a kiss on the cheek, I closed the casket before walking into the service as it was beginning.

The preacher had no right saying everything he said about Brendan. He didn't even know him except from what he was told.

While they were religious, they weren't that committed to going to church. In the past year, he's only gone for Easter and Christmas Eve. I guess you could count this too.

The pastor never even talked to him, let alone his mother before this happened.

"He was taken away from us too soon, but as the Roman's in 8:28 said, 'all things work out for good for those who love God.' God needed him more than we did, and I know that Brendan is now up their watching over everyone here, and helping his savior."

In all honesty, this was a bunch of bullshit. I personally didn't believe in God, because if he were real why did so many people die of cancer? Why were people rude? Selfish? The devil is only capable of so much, and if you ask me the reason the world is failing is because the human race is destroying it and are ignorant to everything that matters.
Once the ceremony was over, only family and friends were allowed to follow the hearse to the cemetery. Surprisingly, when we arrived they had the stone off to the side.

"Thank you all for joining us here today," Mrs. Kenner started standing next to the casket, holding a bouquet of different types of orchids. His favorite type of flower.

"While it's good to everyone, I never pictured it under these circumstances. B-brendan, my lovely baby boy, he was smart and strong. I have the same questions that you guys have. I don't know why he'd do this, but at least he's in a better place. I wish he was still here. I really want to see him smile, laugh, and play baseball. Looking back, I feel as if I should've known, I mean, I'm his mom. I birthed him. I watched him grow as a human, as a boy into a young man. I thought him how to read, play the piano.

He was the best son. But that's just being biased, because I am his mother. I'm supposed to gloat about how amazing he was. As his mother he was obviously a different person around me, all prim and proper in his own way." A few people chuckled at her attempt at a British accent.

After Seria talked about Brendan through her sobs, it was my turn to speak.

I slowly walked up to the casket with a red rose in hand. Looking out in the crowd of fifty or so people, mostly family. I took a deep breath in when I caught sight of Scott, I tightly smiled at him before I began.

"He was the best-est friend anyone could have ever had. He always would make you better when you were feeling down. He cared about so many things, things that most people don't care or think much about.

Now, it's true he was different around me than he was around his mom. He was more goofy and carefree when it was just us. He, he was always there for everyone. No matter the cost to him. He was always giving, always." I could barely keep it together as I continued.

"He, he was so carefree, so amazing. He would get a sparkle in his eye when he would talk about something he loved. His smile made a room shine brighter, at least to me."

"I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry Bran. So, very sorry. It wasn't supposed to be like this. Not in the slightest. I failed you, I failed everyone," I whisper to the casket. I set my flower onto the casket before stepping back, watching as he was slowly lowered into the ground.

~

I was laying on the trampoline in his back yard when I heard my name. Slowly I sat up, trying not to make a noise just in case they heard me. It sounded like they were on the side of the house.

"Autumn's so fake. I mean if she just lost her best friend, why wasn't she crying? How did she let him do this? I don't think she even cared about him."

"Sammy, you know how close they were. They were practically dating."

"Drew, she dragged him on. I wouldn't be surprised if part of the reason he did it was because of her. She's toxic."

I couldn't listen anymore. All the family gatherings that I went to, Sammy and Drew were the ones to hang out with me and Brendan. I never thought I would hear Sammy be cruel to anyone.

Is that what people think? That I am the reason? That I knew?

I got off of the trampoline and went into the house, looking at all his family members as I passed, and wondering who else thought this was my fault?

Scott stopped me as I reached the bottom of the stairs. I gave him a little smile.

"I know I'm not Carry, or him for that matter, but how are you holding up?" He asked, hands shoved in his pockets.
"Decently. How's Carry holding up?" I haven't heard from her in a month, sense she was on vacation and no phones were allowed, but I'm sure she found a way to get a hold of him. She probably sent him letters every week, where as I had to call her dad to tell him what had happened. He didn't even let me tell her, or let her come. He's a dick, but she'll hopefully be back Saturday.

"She hates that she couldn't be here. Especially sense you are doing this alone at the moment."

"Is that why your here? To make sure i'm okay for her?" While Scott's a nice guy, he can also be a complete asshole too. He's apart of the popular group at our school.

"No, well yes, but he was also a friend of Carry's. I even considered him my friend, but I know he didn't really like me because he didn't want his friend to hurt, but we were still friends. Not as close as you, or even Carry is, or was, to him. But I was still a friend of his. I'd be messed up not to say good-bye and support his family."

"I know, I'm sorry."

"Hey, it's okay. You didn't do anything wrong. You're just grieving and trying to make out if I'm joking with you or not. Autumn, I wouldn't be a Dick about this, this is something that no one should be a dick about."

"Yeah, but that won't stop your friends from being assholes about it."

"You're right, but I can't really stop them when I'm not around."

"Yeah, I guess." With that I went up the stairs.

I stopped in-front of his room. Just blankly staring at the wooden door.

"Hey," Seira greeted with a small smile on her face.

"Hey, how are you holding up?"

"I'd say pretty good compared to my mom." I knew this wasn't easy on her. Losing her son. Her child. She has been put through so much it's unfair, but that's life.

"I wish there was something I could do to help."

"I know just having you around helps her. She wouldn't have finished the planning if it wasn't for you helping her. You take her mind off of the fact that he's gone. She was probably expecting him to walk through that front d-oor." Her voice cracked at the ending. I lead her to her room, and we sat on her bed.

"Mom aside, truly, how are you doing."

She broke down sobbing. "I just, I can't believe it. H-he, he-." I wrapped her into a hug, knowing she's been staying as strong as she can for her mom.

"He seemed fine. If, if I'd known I wouldn't have left. I know if you knew you'd have told me. It just, it doesn't feel real you know? At times I've tricked myself that he's at some camp, and that he will be back in a few weeks. That's not the case though. He's truly gone." She continued to cry.

We hung out in her room until it was dinner time. We were eating subs and pizza, people sitting and standing where they could. I sat in a corner on the floor, alone.

When I was almost done, Sammy came up to me. She seemed so tall as she stood above my sitting form.

"Hey," I tightly smiled at her.

"Don't hey me you fucking whore. All you ever did was play him," she spat. "You are so selfish. Didn't you ever think of his family before you put your issues before his?"

I was in shock. Sammy has never talked to anyone like this before that I know of.

"See, you don't even deny it. You're such a fake bitch. I don't see what he ever saw in you. All you do is complain about your petty problems and expect everyone else to fix them."

"What?" Is this really how people see me?

" Oh, don't play innocent. It's not fooling me. You should be the one who's dead not him. He's gone because of you," she started to raise her voice. "It's all your fault you fucking bitch. You have no right being here! Go back to you sad, horrible life. No one even wants you here. Just go—"

"Sammy! That's enough!" Her mother yelled.

Drew walked up to me after Sammy stormed off. I was trying so hard to keep the tears at bay, but one slipped out.
"Hey, don't take any of the personal. She doesn't mean it. She's just grieving."

I slowly got up onto my feet. "It wasn't just grief, the look she had in her eyes was more than just lashing out because she's grieving. It was ruthless. I want to believe she didn't mean it, but she actually looks like she wants to stab me."

Which, in all reality she did. I thought we were friends, but then she stabs me in the back.

"Autu-"

"No Drew. I know when I'm not wanted." With that I walked out of the Kenner's house to home.





•|Chapter Three|•

August 26, 2017

"Hey, mom? Can I go to the mall with Seira and Carry today?" I asked, as she typed away on her computer.

"Mhm."

" Well, can I borrow twenty dollars?"

"Autumn, I'm busy. Go to your father," she snapped. Sighing I walked out to the garage.

" Dad?" I called over the football game.

" What!" He yelled, not turning the television down. I walked over to the corner with the ratty rocking chair in front of a plasma flat screen TV.

"Dad, can I go to the mall with Seira and Carry?"

"Yeah, yeah. Whatever. Just go," he shooed me away.

"Can I borrow twenty dollars?" I inquired, still standing next to him so that way he could hear me.

"God Dammit Autumn! Just go away already! Can't you see I'm busy?" He yelled at me. The anger in his eyes was very promanate as he looked at me. It was then that I noticed he had a beer in his hand.

I walked out, holding back my tears. I was about to knock on Keivin's door before I remembered that he was at basketball camp until next week. Sighing I walked out of my house to the Kenner's.

Twenty minutes later I stood outside waiting for Seira to come. Looking up, I notice a cloud shaped like a whale before I'm taken into a huge hug from the side.

"Hey!" Carry yelled in my ear.

"Hey, could you let go? It's hard to breathe."

"Yeah, sorry. So, how's it been? Miss me?"

"It's been. Keivin's at camp till next week. I've been bored. I've missed you though."

"Autumn," she sternly said, "tell me the truth."

"The truth? The truth is I've been terrible. I lost one of my best friends, my brothers not home, you left me, and we're starting school soon. How am I supposed to be okay through all of this?" I started to raise my voice, feeling the tears come to my eyes.

"Shhhhh, I know." Carry wrapped me in one of her big hugs that made me feel like I was hugging a pillow.
"How were you the past month, touring the country and all."

"Let's see, stuck in a camper with my dad, grandma, and two cousins. We weren't allowed to have phones. I was getting nagged at by my dad. And lastly, my father wouldn't let me call you, or even come home early after what happened. So I'd say my summer was shit."

"Are you sure I can't poison him?" Don't get me wrong Carry's dad was a nice fellow, he owned three small car shops in town. He was a nice person. He just didn't know when to not mention something serious, like Carry's weight.
"No, as much as I hate him I still love the sperm donor bastard that I call my father."

I was about to say something when Seira walked out.

"Carry!" She yelled when she cought sight of her. "You're back, how are you?"

"I'm doing okay, you?"

"Fine," she shrugged her shoulders. "So, let's get this show on the road. Once we turned towards Carry's car, Seira instantly took off running to it, well a person by it. Scott. I gave Carry a questioning look, and she just shrugged.
"He said he wanted to come, so I let him. He's not going to do anything Aut, you know this."

"Yes, but others could be at the mall. You know how he acts around his friends."

" I know, just deal with it okay? He says he's trying to be better."

" Okay," and with that we reached the car. I gave Scott a tight lipped smile before climbing into the back seat with Seira.

~

We had been in Macy's for two hours before Carry and Seira were done. While I loved the girl time, I disliked Macy's. I don't know why, because you'll find the same clothes at other store's. I just didn't like Macy's.

"Let's go get something to eat," Seira suggested.

"Okay," Carry and I chimed. Weirdly Scott hadn't talked a lot, except to tell Carry if he like the outfit or not, which most of them he loved.

Once we were at the food court, Carry and Seira went to wait in the long line for food. Scott and I sat down at a table.
"Why didn't you get anything?" He asked after a few seconds of silence.

"I don't like Macy's," I simply stated.

"Oh. Well, why aren't you going to eat?"

"I'm not hungry," I said. How could I tell him that I didn't have any money with me? He would either laugh or take me on as a charity case.

"Really?" He raised his eyebrows.

"Yes, really. Why? Aren't you hungry" What was he trying to get at?

" Nothing, it's just in the time that I've known you you've always ate. You even get everyone else to eat if they aren't going to. I don't like anything they serve here."

"Let's see, I only forced four people to eat that I can remember. One of which was suffering with depression who didn't care for his health much, and is now dead. Carry, because she wasn't that comfortable in her body and wanted to lose weight. Seira, because she is borderline anorexic. And my brother, because he forgets to eat at times because he's either playing video games or playing basketball," I explained. "So, I'm sorry if I'm trying to help out the ones I care about."
"I didn't mean to offend you. I was just curious as to why you're always putting yourself out there to help others if you aren't going to follow through on what you're telling them to do. Seira's anorexic?"

"No, but she's borderline. She has her good days, but most of them she tries everything she can to not gain any weight. Watch her come back with a small chicken salad and only eat half."

"I had no idea," his eyes downcast at the table.

" Not many do. She hides it well. She's been getting worse though. Her mom suspects something, but she just think it's because she's still dealing with his death." All of a sudden his eyes went dark and he leaned back in his chair, crossing his arms. He seemed empty and void compared to just a few seconds ago.

"Hey Scott!" Someone called.

He was stiff. His back was straighten out, but it still looked like he was casually sitting down.

"Hey John." Wait, John?

If John's here, then that must mean that the others are here. And if the others are here, that means Scott's going to be a dick. And if Scott's a dick, then the others start too. Why me? Why was this my fucking luck?

"Ready for practice Monday?" Drew joined in.

"Yeah, I'm still a little sore from Thursday though."

"Aye, be glad you skipped Friday. Oh, Coach wasn't happy by the way."

"Figures," he rolled his eyes.

"So, doing some charity work I see?" Marci asked raising a perfect eyebrow.

"Yup." He smiled a little.

"So Auto, how are you feeling? You know, now that your keepers gone and all," Brooke asked. That name was so stupid. Couldn't they grow up?

"Stop," Scott ordered, shocking everyone.

"What? She just asked little Auto a simple question," Mason said. "Don't tell me you're actually enjoying the time here with her? There is no need to lie to us, we know she's a charity for you to get closer with that whale you've been trying to win over."

"Shut up." Scott's voice was filled with anger.

"What? She'll find out sooner or later. I just thought it would be sooner, I mean this thing has been going on for what? Two years now? I'm starting to think you lost track of what your goal was," Mason said.

"He probably has. He's gone soft. I mean why else would he be hanging out with Auto?" Brooke narrowed her eyes at him.

"What are they talking about?" I ask him.

"Nothing, they were just leaving," he spat.

"What? Don't want Auto to know?"

"Hey!" Carry called out, walking with two trays in her hands towards us.

"Here comes the whale," Brook muttered and Mason chuckled. Scott sent them a glare.

"Come on, let's go," he demanded to Carry, trying to drag her with him.

" What? No. Why? Don't you want to hang with your friends for a little?" She asked.

"No, I just really want to leave."

"Well let sat least sit down and eat," she sidestepped him, taking the empty seat next to me, while Seira sat down on the other side of me. Just like I predicted, she got a small salad.

"Come on man, just chill." Drew was one of the cooler ones out of there group, and he was also closer to Scott than the others.

"Just stop wasting your time, he wants to be a little bitch, let him be one. Let's go," Brooke stated, sashaying away.

"What was that all about?" Carry asked.

"I don't know," I quickly shoved one of her fries in my mouth when she looked at Scott.

~

We've been at the mall for six hours, and went in most of the stores. The sun was starting to set and Seria and Carry were looking inside of Victoria Secrets while I stayed outside with Scott. Well, stayed where I last saw him. He took off ten minutes ago, but I could honestly care less about him.

"Here Autumn, take it." Scott ordered me, shoving a bag in my hands from Tim Horton's. Looking inside I see a donut.
"What? No. I'm not accepting it."

"Autumn, you need to eat. Did you even eat breakfast?" I was in shock. Scott had never cared about weather I ate or not.
"I'm still full from breakfast," I tell him, but he's not buying it.

"What did you eat for breakfast?" He crossed his arms, causing his muscles to pop out from his sweat-shirt.
"A pop-tart," I whisper casting my eyes down on the ground.

"Exactly. It's been ten plus hours. You need to eat something, and don't just say you'll eat when you get home because we will probably stay here until the mall closes.

I sighed, "fine."

As I was half way done with the donut Scott looked around before asking, "Seira only ate a salad like you said, and even then she only ate half of it. It looked like it was a small."

"No, really?" I rolled my eyes.

He sighed. " You said it earlier, but I just...I want to know when it all started?" His eyebrows furrowed. " Why would she do that do herself, to everyone who loves her?"

"Its been going on for a while now. I'm the only one she told, because she got really scared one time when Brendan had left for a weekend to go on some stupid camping trip. Haily was pulling a triple shift, just to come home for a few hours and then pull a double the next day. She just, she had things going on."

"Was it a boy?" Why did he want to know so much about her?

"Why do you want to know?"This was unlike him. He normally didn't want to know about anyone else. He was fine with silence.

"I need to tell you some—."

"Okay, one last store. I promise," Carry came out with a new bag on her arm filled with stuff from Victorious Secret. "We can eat afterwards."

With that we all followed Carry as she led us to the next adventure.

~

We got home a little after eleven. I slowly crept inside, so that way I didn't wake my parents. I was passing the living room when my dad called out to me.

"Where were you?" He asked, his words slurring.

"I was at the mall with Carry." He obviously had been drinking all day.

"For the whole day? Ha! No. You were out with some boy weren't you? You were fucking some asshole? Well let me tell you, if you get knocked up your fucking out! You fucking brat, you're a disappointment. Your mother should've aborted you," he spat in my face.

I tried to remind myself that it's just the alcohol talking, that he doesn't actually think that of me. But I just couldn't help but feel that maybe that's what he thought of me.

"I wa-"

"No! Get in your room Autumn! You want to be a worthless whore, you'll be treated like one!"

I could feel the tears come up into my eyes as I walked down the tiny hallway to my room. I locked the white door, then I fell to the floor.

He didn't mean it, he's just drunk. Right? No. No he meant it. Drunk thoughts are what you harbor on the inside. Drunk words are how that person really feels.

I couldn't help it, his words just kept repeating in my mind. Worthless. Disappointment. Whore. Worthless.

Disappointment. Whore. Worthless. Disappointment. Whore. Worthless. Disappointment. Whore.

Over and over and over again.

I don't know how long I sat on the floor crying before I went over to my closet and pulled out the box that I had buried. The phrase "Out of sight, out of mind" was true, that is until you remember it and are drawn into the thing that you hid. Like nothing could break you out of your trance before getting the thing you are after.

I slowly opened the tiny wooden box. The metal blades shimmered in the moonlight.

I slowly ran my finger across one of the blades, my breath hitching at the feeling of the cold metal.

I was clean for two months, did I really want to throw it all away?

I breathed in deeply before I grabbed one of the blades, and ran it across my hips.


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