My Spiritual Awakening

A few months ago I went through one of the hardest most life changing events of my life, something I have now come to understand to be a 'Spiritual Awakening".

I’ll start by explaining my spiritual awakening, what led to it, the feelings that came with it etc.
Around April 2020, the country I am from & have lived in my entire life, NZ, went into lock down a few months ago because of the coronavirus. All residents were required to isolate in our bubbles (homes) with chosen people, only allowed outdoors to exercise/shop for necessities e.g groceries, medicine etc. Other than that, no outside activity was permitted and we were not allowed to interact with any other humans apart from those in our bubble & the clerks we’d see at the stores we’d visit for our necessities. I’ve always been quite a loner & a hermit, I don’t have friends, I enjoy my own company/the company of those I’ve known my whole life because I’ve just found over the years that other humans can be quite fraudulent & cruel, so the idea of being isolated and confined to one space didn’t really bother me as much as it did a lot of other people on this planet.

Before we went into isolation, I was quite a selfish person. I wasn’t so aware of it because I was so focused on my own selfish desires that I failed to have any sort of awareness of the destructive tendencies I had, that still is not an excuse though. I was a taker. I used people to get whatever I wanted and didn’t seem to care or at least wasn’t that aware of the damage I was doing. Once isolation began, my own destructive tendencies began to take a toll on me. I was forced to sit with myself and confront the ugly monster I had become & it was a shock to say the least. What made it worse and probably contributed to what I now know to be a “dark night of the soul” and the cause of my spiritual awakening is that other people, strangers and especially people I love, seemed to be against me. It was as if everyone thought I was the worst human on this planet & they weren’t afraid to make me feel like it. It did and still does break my heart that humans could see another human at their lowest and rather than try to help them up, they’d offer shovels and start digging the hole deeper. I haven't killed, raped or harmed any other being to the point of no return in my lifetime so I couldn't then and still can't comprehend why other people treated me as if i was a monster like Adolf Hitler was. Humans are cruel. That’s one thing I’ve come to realize since that happened. People targeted me, invaded my privacy and used my mistakes against me to ridicule, judge and condemn me as if none of them had ever sinned or made any of the same mistakes I’ve made. Which again, is a complete delusion on their parts because I’m quite aware of things a lot of people have done, I’ve just got a good heart and know not to define people by their mistakes so I’d rather not bring those up. Have I made mistakes during my 24 years of life? Yes, for sure. I just don't understand how any of it allowed for other humans to feel as if they could all bully & condemn me, that's something God has kind of allowed me to slowly heal from though because I now understand everything happens for a reason & the more the suffering, the greater the blessings.. at least that's how i look at it.

Anyway back to my original point, once I was forced to sit with myself and felt the weight of all these peoples negative energy on me & my own disgust with myself, I’m not sure what happened but I felt as if I had kind of died. Not in the literal sense because obviously I’m still here, I'm typing this right now while I consciously watch my breath & I know my soul is eternal. When I say I died, I mean I felt like I didn’t know who I was anymore, like the world around me wasn’t a reality, I no longer knew my place in the world, I didn’t know my purpose, I felt like no one cared about me, like everyone wished death on me and it felt as though even God wasn’t listening to me. It was one of the darkest moments I’ve been through in my life. It felt as if my own soul was trying to leave my physical vessel because it couldn’t comprehend who I had become.

That feeling lasted for a few weeks if I’m honest, I felt like a leaf that had broken from a tree floating in the wind on an autumn day. No purpose, no place in the world anymore, just kinda existing and getting by in the world because for some reason I was still here. Then, after many days of crying, disassociating, praying for the pain to stop, I woke up. Things just changed. It was as if a switch had been flicked inside my brain, I was looking at the world and life in general with brand new eyes, grateful ones that were able to pick up on the beautiful of this planet, mother nature, all the people around me and the beauty that still existed within myself, within my being. I believe it was God who did it, who didn’t give up on me, God stayed with me in my darkest hour i was just too consumed by my own pain that i didn't notice it. God woke me up, just as I had been woken and blessed every other day of my life. This day was different though and things have been different since then. Thanks to our creator and my own refusal to give up on myself, my refusal to believe the hate other people’s projections had caused me to give myself, I had found a new lease on life. I didn’t want to die and I knew in my core I wasn’t a bad person. I, just like every other human on this planet, made bad choices. One thing I’ve learnt so far in life is that I am not capable of changing anything that has happened in the past, I’m not capable of reliving lost moments or tweaking them to fit the growth I make in the future, all I can do is accept them. This is where the spiritual awakening began. I began to accept myself, for all that I am. All I have done in my 24 years of life, be it good or bad, all of it is a part of me. All that I’ve done and been through has in large part contributed to who I am today. And I couldn’t be more proud of the beautiful woman today.

The spiritual awakening was only the start and although it hurt to know that many humans subjected me to such cruelty (I would go more in depth but that can be another story for another time ) I am grateful for it because I never would’ve been able to make these changes if it didn’t feel like the whole world was against me. The most painful part of the process was realizing how destructive I've been over the years though, especially to those i love. The hardest thing for me during this whole process has been taking accountability for the ugly things I've done, i'm not perfect, I have made a lot of mistakes. In the past I was just a bit deluded and thought as long as I can ignore them, they'll go away. I now know though that if you run from your demons long enough, God will force you to stand up and fight them. So I'm grateful to everyone that has hurt me and all that I've been through too otherwise I never would have been able to wake up to what I had become, nor would I have a desire to be the best person I can be/my own strongest supporter. I wouldn’t have been able to find my faith in God and trust in our creator unless I felt like I had no one else
to turn to. So for that I am grateful to each and every single person that threw stones at me & all the tests I've been given. One of the funny things about humans that I've noticed since then is that they enjoy causing pain to people while they’re here, yet once that life is gone the flocks show up with flowers and sorry's. Because regret is stronger than gratitude. And humans don’t appreciate people and life in general while it’s here, we take things for granted.

My spiritual awakening allowed me to confront the monster I’d become & forced me to sit with myself until I was able to come up with efficient solutions. No by-passing. Days & nights filled with taking accountability for the mistakes I’ve made, taking steps to correct them, tears of disgust/hatred for things I’ve done, tears of sadness for what other people have done to me. It was and still is a rough time. A lot of people seem to think a spiritual journey is all love and light, and it might be for some but from my own experiences it is one of the hardest/scariest things one could go through, it’s also really beautiful though and seems to be one of the best ways to really get to know you, not the superficial physical you, but you in your core, your soul. It is a never-ending journey though, I'm constantly being brought back to things I thought I understood to learn more from them, things I think I've healed from I revisit multiple times, I'm constantly being forced to take accountability for mistakes and identify my own toxic behaviors/traits. I'm grateful for it all too, because I know that in order to be the best version of me, I must be able to heal from all that is not beneficial to me. I came to realize through those months that when it comes down to it, I am really all I can depend on. Everyone else, regardless of who it be, will eventually leave me in one way or another. I however, am stuck with me. Regardless of the hate or disgust I may feel with things that have happened in my life, I am not capable of walking away from me so I've learnt to live with and love myself.

Over the last few months I have built up such a beautiful amount of gratitude and love, not only for myself, but for God, for all the beautiful people & other souls I’m blessed with in this life especially those closest to me, the spiritual awakening allowed me to see i wasn't loving them how i deserved & constantly forces me to improve so that i may give them the best of me in this lifetime and I'm even grateful for those that have hurt me because I’ve come to understand that everything I go through in life is a lesson. That was probably my favorite part of the spiritual awakening, being able to see myself for all that I am and realize that I’m in control, I can change the things I don’t like, accept the things that I can’t change and love myself in spite of it all. That & knowing that everything in life, good and bad, serves its purpose.

My whole mindset has changed since I’ve had this awakening, I have a new outlook on life, my desires are different. I’ve gone from being a materialistic taker to someone who enjoys and finds the beauty in the little things in life, someone who wants to give rather than take. I’ve learnt that people are going to continue to hurt me, I can’t control that. But I am in control of how I choose to react.... and the best way to react in any circumstances is with love and kindness, which is super hard sometimes! But I’m getting there lol. I’m still working on me, I’m not perfect and don’t think I ever will be. I don’t think the spiritual journey ever ends and with each day I wake, there is always the opportunity to learn more and become better than the person I was the day before.

Life is beautiful now, I may write a story about all I’ve been through if anyone is interested but for now, for tonight, in this entry, this was what was on my mind. I would pray that no one else may go through the darkness I’ve been through but because I know the beauty that exists on the other end, the new found gratitude, freedom & peace that is a constant in my heart regardless of what each days circumstances may bring, I actually just wish them luck. What felt like a curse to me at the beginning has actually been the biggest blessing in disguise for me. It has brought me a new outlook on life, allowed me to return to that same feeling of hope & longing for life and all it has to offer that I had when I was a child. I feel like I’m no longer held back by the constraints of society/the judgements of my peers, I am in control of who I am & whatever I want to be and if anyone has anything bad to say about it, that’s just gonna be their problem to deal with on their own. Since that happened, I’ve felt very blessed and even in this moment right now as I write this I do. It’s as if I’ve been given a second chance at life & no matter who hates me or is against me, my faith in myself and in God is so strong that I know I’m capable of growing through whatever I go through and am strong enough to storm any weather.

Spiritual awakenings and dark nights of the soul are not the easiest things to get through & I think they’re both quite recurrent throughout life. They are the best learning lessons for us as individuals though, they contribute to our growth, they feed our soul and allow us to come out as the best versions of ourselves. It is never easy & I would recommend that anyone who feels as if they are going through one has a lovely & strong support system around them (I was blessed to have really beautiful strong people in my bubble who helped me through it). Once you come out of the darkness & into the light, you see how beautiful everything is, you see the lesson in everything, you understand that the darkness you’ve been taught to fear your whole life is an integral part of your entire being & rather than run away from it or cower in shame, you embrace it, you accept it. You accept you.
And in a world that is constantly trying to tell you what to do, who to be and how to think, the strongest and most beautiful thing you can be, is you. The you that you were as a child before you were conditioned to conform to society/your peers standards. I’ve gotten her back, I’m just a bit older and wiser these days but I’ve managed to get back to that girl, I have a purpose, I know where I’m headed & I still look at the world with the same fresh eyes I did all those years ago, I’m just a lot stronger now and a lot less naive.

Spiritual awakenings are a beautiful thing and without mine I never would’ve realized how beautiful I am & how blessed a life I lead. All Glory to God for this life I lead, for all the beautiful souls I’ve been blessed with and for the continued blessings. I am infinitely grateful.