Anohter day another dollar

Well work went ok tonight for the most part. my brother blew up my phone and had quite the mess situation on the phone ahead of time.
All I could think about at work was coming home to your arms and feeling your mussels against my body as he wraps them tight. So thinking the last few days inside my head and being with my new bf. I have come to realize something. I have been thinking something is wrong with me. that is why I cant be in a relationship with anyone or why they fail. I am starting to see maybe just maybe it isn't me at all. I am starting to wonder if it is my brother after all. playing games causing trouble and being the instigator in my situations that causes my breakups, I came to the truck to see my bf after work to greet me. something about him was off. He seemed dark distant even a tab bit grey. I didn't know what to say. I usually get a kiss and a giant hug but tonight he just kept to himself with a darkened glare upon his face as he drove us home. I stood up to my brother making things a tad bit worse. although I tried to keep my composure I was out of line in my brothers terms and he took it to heart. I don't know what exactly is going to happen when I see him next but I know for what I said it be sooner then later. he cant stand that I took my bf side and that I stood up to him. I am terrified to stick up and stand my ground even if my bf will protect me. What happens if I do that and my brother disowns me ? I will then have nothing and know one to help me . I feel my life is more of a hassle then my bf wanted I'm more of a mess and I don't want him to feel like he's wasting his time. I don't want him to give up on me but I can see that I am draining him. IM scared for my brother to give up on me not knowing if my bf will be strong enough to deal with me and stick it out, I know if I fail him what could and would happen with my brother and if I needed him back in my life. I have so much going on that I am often blank and day dreaming. I just want so much to just be happy live my life with my bf have a family and for once be loved and really start enjoying life again. I often wonder if he really loves me or just caving in knowing I need that comfort of him and the security of his arms daily. I feel as though I am not being fair and im too much for him, even though I don't mean to be. I am scared I am going to loose him due to myself and what I need or want in life. and I worry that hes going to see that any other girl is ten times better then me and he has so much less to do then deal with me. I a, trying my best to do say and be everything that he wants and im stressing myself out cause I know the me inside isn't good enough to be his gf and I don't want him to be board with me. been thinking about him all day. here is what I can come up with to show some what of what I am feeling right now.

BEN

I lay here with your arms around me
watching the world pass by behind me
I lay and wonder and pounder about
what this life could be about.

I'm slowly changing through and through
It seems within your arms I grew
I'm feeling things I've never felt
In this shitty life I've been dealt

Your making me look more like a girl
Making me shimmer, shake and twirl
In my heart deep inside of me
I really want to give this a whirl.

Why am I so scared to admit its true
My life would totally suck without you
You've broke my wall in shattered pieces
For each brick I stacked and layed
You knocked another off the rack.

When will I give up give in
and completely let you deep within
When will I let you keep my heart
For its surely found a new home to restart

My Hearts pacing, Minds racing
I cant stop wondering or even think still
I'm trying to be patient and to understand
Putting my foot on the other hand.

Do I say what I feel, Or keep it inside
Is it better said or left in shadows to hide
Thoughts are racing and heart keeps breathing
Trying so hard I just cant catch my breath.

I sit and pounder all day long
Trying to figure out a tune to this song
Do I lay on a river bank
Where my mind can disappear or go blank

Do I wish upon a wishing well
Where I toss a coin and stand and tell
Do I let my thoughts and dreams run by
Or do I stand up shout out and cry.

Wish I could tell you what's on my mind
Wish the answers where just there to find
No matter how hard I try to ignore
I cant help but wonder what to think anymore

I know my feelings run deep inside
And often stay in the shadows where they hide
I cant let them out, I cant keep them in
Its like a roller coaster deep within.

I'm my worst enemy I know for sure
But there's nothing I can do nor is there a cure
The days I think I can spit out the words
Often results in my head flipping me the bird.

I wish I could tell you and ease my mind
But I know you have your own life
And possible others in line
How do I get those unwanted thoughts out
Why cant I just believe without a doubt
Why do all the good things have to come to an end
Why cant I tell you instead of playing pretend
As I sit here and write and think to myself
I just want you Ben Ruck and nothing else.