The World Around me.

I usually find it hard to talk face to face with anyone , in regards to anyhting there is about me. I cant save a releationship with anyone if asked know matter how bad i want to. I cant tell you the things you want to hear as in fact the words are there. I just cant say them. why you ask? maybe its cause i dont know how to show, or the fact the feelings excape me or maybe its just i get so scared , and frustrated with myself that i freeze inside and everything goes blank and the words are no longer there. I find it amuzing that some think its so easy when in fact talking is the hardest thing in the world for me. I am not proud of the way i deal with things or cope sorta speak. I often find outlets that most wouldnt approve of. I cut myself and have for years. Not to try and kill myself but to take the pain inside and make it real. a release, something i can see and feel yet disappears. the orginal feeling of why or what caused it is always there for sure. but it no longer hurts in the way that it once did. Alot of people think its for attention and as a cutter i want to set the reccord stright its not always the case. those that talk and tell you about it or threaten it. those are attention mind setted people and more then likely need meds. In my case and alot of others its simply a release. something to try and make the unbareable pain inside leave and feel better. Honeslty ive never felt the need to harm myself in a way to end my life untill i thought so heartly, that i was loosing the best thing that ever happend to me , and it be once again my fault. Ive been threw hell and back and realising this, having this one guy come from know where and really understands me, scard the hell out of me. He saw me... for the first time ever i remembered what me was and i seen a smile that was so long forgotten it had been so dam long. I owed it to him and to myself not to shut him out. I couldnt even build a wall to protect me. i fell so hard and so fast that one second away from him, felt like my world was crashing. not knowing when he was coming back, or who mite steal him from me. My mind was my prison my dungon my captive and it stole every thought that i could think of that would make anything feel better. we had one little talk and it felt like it went south so bad, i rather die then to see him walk out on me or away from me. i was set to kill my self. The one thing I was never about. the pain was so bad , my stomach in knots my heart racing my head a mess and the pain in my soul, and the voices in my head I couldn't breath, I couldn't think. i just wanted it to go away. One cut watching the blood run down my arm and on the floor the pain started to numb. The second cut watching the blood run into the other one and down I realized I had messed up again. after the third cut I texted my brother telling him i needed to go to emerge and he needed to take care of my son. as I sat there numb starring at my phone I wondered if this was it. was it worth it and would I be in any pain once gone. thinking i cut again to make sure I was still here . feeling the pain had woke me out of my trance. and I did two more although the reason behind it I no longer remember. I went to emerge where it was glued and i almost got sent in for physic care. for 72 hour hold I needed someone to call and make sure I was ok to go home. my brother called my bf and honestly that was the hardest thing in the world for me. to come home seeing him there open arms and all he wanted to do was hold me and try to understand. I realized then I had hurt him. and I never meant to. All I could do was cry and cuddle him. and be thankful that no matter how bad it was. He was still here waiting for me. That honestly was the best thing in the world. He was hurt and disappointed but he understood and wanted to help me, be there for me. not judging me but there to love me. I was relieved but puzzled as I've never had anyone care this much. not even family and yet this guy I barely know and just met a few days before this all happened and he wanted nothing more then to make me feel better. make me feel loved and show me that I am loved and that i matter. Some may do it for the attention I agree, but even though they do it for that maybe showing them they matter could help them as well?. as I wasn't in it for attention I was home alone down stairs with my son in bed. i had know care in the world I didn't want to face the reality of loosing someone I just met and made me feel so alive that with out him i wanted to be gone. know air to breath just simply dead. Still to this day I cant even let him take the bandages off or help me clean the cuts. as I don't even want him to see how bad it is or even remember it happened. I don't want to hurt him more by letting him see how badly I really wanted to die that day. or how he really saved my life. Sometimes things just get to much and when you are a bottler like me the smallest thing can set you off. and ironic as that is the untrained eye would think. your over reacting over the stupidest smallest thing, yet you know its not that small thing at all, its the millionth small or big thing that is deep inside you couldn't let go of, you couldn't talk about, and the pain stayed there so long that it happened to just finally come out and that smallest thing triggered a blow up. that's what they don't get and see. I love my bf with all my heart and every day I fear that I can loose him. someone more prettier then me can come along. he can realize I'm to damaged or to much work for him to deal with anymore. or just want someone that he doesn't have to work so hard to be with. someone that will make him happy in all aspects and areas where I cant. I fear a lot of things. but nothing as painful as loosing him. I want so much to make him happy, be the person he wants and needs me to be , do the things that will make him happy to keep him around, where I failed to keep the rest. and I don't even see what he wants. He wants me to be me to be happy and grow with him. I know this in my heart but in my mind its the other side of me I think about. I need to learn to change me how I think and how I react to things. easier said then done I know. but i have a great guy and as crazy as this sounds. I've had a lot of doubt in my life and rushed to marriage with an idiot thinking id never make it to be anyone's wife. and yet my soul has searched and found my self. wishing and waiting for a day to even bring it up to even see where our heads were on it. its crazy cause lets face it its been a month. I don't think I'm going to jump in and marry him tomorrow lol. but I'm just putting it out there. for the first time in my life I feel complete . whole like nothing on this world matters know one around but us. I want to rebuild my life and I want him by myside forever. I just need to stay out of my self to do it. I am my worst enemy. i need to learn to let go let live and move on. I want to grow with him be by his side have a family with him a future and just be completely his forever. and with that said i leave you with this poem I'm about to write.

The World Around me
some days I sit and look out a window
often wondering what life's about
is it all the killing or arguing people
or the love of a man and there gentle touch
the things we leave behind or the things we gain
or the reasons we stay normal or go insane.

I search in my head and even my soul
sometimes rather stick my head in a hole
I try and I try but get know where at all
and yet I'm here still standing tall.

I cant figure out the species of man
some are good and others turn on hand
some kill or hurt living things
while others kill one another
is this the nature of our race
or have the good natured simply been misplaced

I dwell on this night and day
as I try to save each an every soul
that's been abandoned or hurt along the way
often end up with me and there they stay

I rescue everything I can even though I shouldn't
but know I can make a difference
I rehabilitate and give better homes
wishing and hoping someone nice comes.

I know I cant save them all
humans out grow and destroy all
but I can try and continue to try
until my eyes have cried every tear I can cry