and so I choose not to give so much so I will not hurt when you don't give back to me. I'm not sure if the wall that exists between us is your fault or mine; you gave to me the bricks I need but it is my choice to use them. it is so hard to tell if you are reaching out but to be honest it seems to me that we are relieved at each goodbye that's said, because we know that we have done the thing that good friends do, to try, to chatter small, to test the waters to see if either could go deeper to confront the mess. but it won't be me that engages with you because I do not want to be that person who is both first and last; first to run to, hollering "pick me!" but last to whom you share your past. and so we do the deed of pretending that you are not hoping to be rid of me and I am not hoping to punish you when you finally let go by making you want what is on my heart yet knowing that you will not receive any emotion I may have stumbled on; that this is a conscious choice conceived - to build your wall by my design - once made, you cannot change its run. what friends are indeed forever as we hint that we are done but keep chasing each other off our lives only for us both to spy at each other from a distance. I am waiting for the bell to knell prepared to signal the end of it all and all because I am tired of being for you. |