The Granny

"Mr. Scheffer!" I scream from downstairs. There was no way I was going to stomp around the mansion we shared to find him. My Queens accented voice could wake a sleeping Labrador. It would help find my husband. Unless he was cheating on me, which I suspected he was. "Mr. Scheffer!"

"Grandma, why are you screaming for grandpa? He left about an hour ago, while you were taking your nap," Nichole said. She had her father's blond hair and my brains. If you asked me. "He was with Niles."

"He left with the butler? Thundersnow! I had to watch my mouth according to Brighton, Nikki had used a few of my more colorful expressions at school. The administration team did not find them to be charming. I thought they were a bunch of stuck up pricks but I was too much of a lady to say that out loud," Oops! I realized my inner dialogue was running out of my mouth. "Sorry, sweetheart."

"Finally, the hi-jinks dad promised me happened around here when he was a kid," She smiled at me. It was a shame her mother had disappeared but that's what happens when you insulted Barbra Streisand. "Are we going to chase grandpa around Manhattan?" She clapped her hands together in anticipation. "Finally, I get to go on a Franny Scheffer adventure." Who was I to disappoint the girl?

"We climbed into my old car, a 1965 Chevy Nova. I hadn't started it since the one time to make out point with Martin Andrews, who only ended up being interested in getting my dress off to wear it," I did it again. The grossed out look on Nikki's face told me I needed to have a talk with her. "Honey, you need gay friends. They will tell you what to wear and encourage you to make out with boys."

"But grandma, why do I need friends like that when I'm related to you?" She buckled her seat belt and looked at me. "Maybe you should call Aunty Maggie and cancel lunch. You don't want her waiting for you."

I pulled the car out onto the road, and fished my cell phone out of my purse. The motor roared as I stepped on the gas. Throwing Nikki forward. I dialed Maggie's number but it went to voicemail. That was weird, "Hey Magpie, it's a nickname I have for her, she loves it. Sorry to cancel on you at the last minute but I have a dead car battery. Phew. She won't be any wiser that I'm really stalking grandpa." Nikki looked over at me and furrowed her brow. "Don't do that sweetheart, you'll end up with wrinkles."

"But Grandma, you just said all of that on Aunt Maggie's voicemail," it looked like she was having trouble not laughing at me. "It looks like grandpa is on West 29th and 6th avenue."


"The Lower East Side. But why? Does he have a floozy younger than me?" I looked in the mirror, realizing once again I had spoken my innermost thoughts out loud again. "I had procedures done to keep him interested in me. I guess they weren't enough," a tear fell from my eye.

"Well maybe you should get some dort of grip added to the bottom of your feet, so you stop slipping on ice."

"I don't think I like you very much, you remind me of an enemy I had once. She was relegated to sitcom side character Hell."

"Miss C.C. works with dad now. She comes over at least twice a week for dinner," Nikki rolled her eyes at me. There was no denying we were related. "I thought she was trying to get with him but he said she's ancient, just like you grandma!"

"My eyes were fixed to the road as the tears clung to the curves of my cheeks. My husband was cheating on me because I am an old lady. Mother Time had not stopped the march for me. And that meant I would be yesterday's model soon enough."

"Actually grandma, you'd be last milleniums model. There are no brown haired models anymore," Thankfully, west 29th was the next block. I made the turn and pulled my car behind Mr. Scheffer's vehicle. "Should I go in first, while you fix your face? I can let him know you're on your way!"

"No, I need to surprise him," I grabbed my young granddaughter's hand and we entered the lobby of the hotel. A trendy, hip place. The mistress was younger than I thought. The lights in the lobby were off. That was strange. "Mr. Scheffer!"

The lights turned on and a huge group of people screamed surprise. I held my hand over my heart and smiled. They threw me a surprise cheating party!

"Darling, the rights to your book were sold this morning. Your life story is going to be a TV show starring Katey Sagal, Peggy Bundy, your favorite."

"What?" I asked, my mind reeling. "You're not cheating on me?"

"Of course not, what would give you that idea?"

"Grandma had a boob job to keep you from cheating, Grandpa!" Nikki told her grandfather as he scooped her up in his arms. "And she keeps saying her inner dialogue out loud."

"I know she does that all the time. I hear things I don't want to,"

"Like what?"

"Like your friend who took your dress to wear it, instead of wanting to touch you. She said he was a gay friend,"

"Same old Granny," Brighton smiled as he joined us. A photographer came over and took our picture.

"Did I tell you about the time I married a gay man?"

"I'm the only man you married…"

"Looks like Dad has a secret," Brighton shot.

"Ah, family. Maybe I could have a set of twins!"

"At her age? I don't think so, Grandpa!" Nikki giggled.