Inside My Soul

         I can't sleep. I don't sleep long enough. My mind won't rest. It's funny how different life is when we get older. Seeing the world so clear. Loving more stronger and letting go of shit that became petty now but was so important to us back then.

         I use to live in the past until I was strong enough to let it all go. Now it's just a faded memory that means nothing but burning ashes. I learned not to step on those ashes and feel the fire of broken times.

         As I moved on I became a whole other person. Sometimes a better person. Other times a shitty person.When I think I'm doing something good yet I find out I didn't do enough. It eats me up inside and I feel so bad once it was made known what I had done wrong.

         Going through a divorce that I so desperately wanted. Learning to be alone for the first time in 19 years. Being in two shitty marriages and not having the confidence to stand up to either one of them until I had enough. I was in my own world trying to find myself after losing a huge part during the last two years prior to my second divorce. It was the most scariest thing I ever had to go through so far. Trying to find my way for the first time.

         Then my mom became diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma. It's some type of cancer in the bones. She had to go through chemo and radiation and had to have a bone marrow transplant. I had no idea what it was. I just thought she had a cold or something. I had my issues with trying to be on my own that I didn't help her as much or try to understand what is wrong with her. My step dad was amazing in helping to take care of her. My other two older sisters as well. They shaved her head and sent pics to me. I couldn't cry. I couldn't feel anything but my own selfishness.

         I didn't feel a real mother daughter bond. There wasn't a strong relationship there. Maybe that's why I couldn't cry. Until one day I called my cousin and talked to her. She asked me about her and I couldn't really answer that. She laid into me and that's when the truth came out. I was terrified of having to admit to myself that my mom is sick. Not just a cold. But cancer. She made me say it. " My mom is sick." I cried and that was the first time I cried about her illness. She told me my mom is more of a mom to her than her own mom. That she is an amazing woman. That I needed to get my head out of my ass and be with her and help her and then maybe I won't have to be alone and bother other people. Then it dawned on me. I am a really shitty person.

         I talked to mom about it and she explained to me what it was. I helped her out more and got a little closer. She's in full remission now. It's been three years. She got her hair back and she's doing well. That life lesson will stick with me until my last breath.

         But then my cousin is going through a tough brain illness. I try to ask her things about it. She'll only tell me certain things then she don't want to talk about it anymore. So I wait a few days. Life happens with me and I don't get back to her. She doesn't reach out and call me so I don't know that she needs someone to talk to. She has a man. But that's different. I'm her cousin. She has put her life on hold so I can get my shit straight. She felt I owed it to her. I'm sure I did. But once I got my issue at the time taken care of I was gonna check on her and call her. I was a bit nervous because she didn't want to talk about it anymore at the time.

         She sent me this message when I was getting ready to message her. basically saying I wasn't there when she needed a friend. That she is dying. To keep living this happy life that she knows I well deserve. I didn't know how to respond to that. Other than making an excuse. But it wasn't an excuse. It was my delema I was stressing over and work and kids and my man. You know. Life stuff. So the message was saying I can keep my hugs and prayers. I just don't get it