It's About The Heart Not About The Color

         Growing up I only dated white men. Never crossed my mind to date a different race. My family wasn't against it. I was just never introduced to the option. Until 45 years later and two failed marriages and I swore there would never be a third.

         Toxic relationships left me questioning my worth. Not understanding what was wrong with me that I can be treated in such a way that love was not suppose to be this way. I turned to doing bad things with the wrong people and smoking meth and watching someone shoot up heroin. Just so I can feel something different other than depression I was feeling. The anger and resentment and not giving a shit sent me over the edge that I chose that life. only for a moment though. 12 years of off and on chaos in a blended family where the daughter hated me and said some vile nasty things that a father would be disappointed in hearing from his own flesh and blood to the woman he claimed to love so much. That wasn't love. By no stretch of the imagination. That was fear of the evil one.

         Trying to change my life I wanted out. Mentally I wasn't strong enough yet. Emotionally I was exhausted. I became numb to my marriage. Not feeling like a wife but a punching bag. I would have rather gotten punched in the face several times than to have been treated in that way. The bruises would go away. But the emotional scars would stay permanently. Somewhere deep in my heart. So I thought.

         Until one fateful day. I messaged a man whom I had went to High School with. Just asking a relationship question. I had enough and I was determined to leave and stay gone. My third and final attempt. He was supportive and my only support system. And even though he was single he gave me this sense of dependency on him where I grew to need him to get stronger in my mind to end my 12 year marriage. Without him and the feelings I felt about him I would have never been able to leave. I scared him to the point where he wanted a relationship with me but he knew we weren't ready yet.

         I had never been by myself before due to getting married and having babies at 25. He knew I needed to find myself before jumping into another relationship. It was hard work and an emotional roller coaster because I was chasing him at the same time he was chasing his ex. We both were a mess that ended up healing each other to have this beautiful and healthy friendship that turned into a relationship now soon to be marriage.

         He taught me to know I'm worth more than what I was allowing myself to have. He taught me to understand I don't need a man to be validated. To learn to love myself and enjoy my own company. Because if I don't love myself and know who I really am and know what I want and what I don't want and have self respect. Then I won't see it in myself to have it with someone else. If we don't love ourselves first. Nobody can love us. The right way. To feel the real thing. Real love.

         It was the year 2015. I was in an 11 year toxic marriage when I decided to message my High School guy friend and randomly asked a relationship question. He was very insightful and gave me some honest advice. He really blew my mind at how much I learned about myself just by the questions he had asked me about . Pin pointing where I am at with my self esteem. Which I had very little of.

         He is a tall charming sexy black man that stands 6 ft tall. Me being shorter I have to stand on my tip toes just to hug him. I love his hugs. Big strong arms that make me feel safe. Our long hugs we have when we see each other. He asked about my day and lets me talk about my past because he understood I was trying to heal from it. By him being the only man I confided in with my issues. He became my go to person. My gossip girl. Ha ha. We hooked up and afterwards talked for awhile. Connecting on a deeper level. That's how I started to fall in love with him. He is everything I never had. and everything I dreamed of. Pure honest and knows how to treat a lady. Smart funny with a sarcastic humor that I can relate to. He loves to laugh and sees my goofy mishaps as cute. He never cusses at me or my children. He loves them and this has became the family he never had.

         My mom and everyone around me noticed how I was changing. I realized I needed to put everyone else's feelings aside and think about myself and how miserable I was in that marriage. I stayed too long for them. To make them feel comfortable while I cried myself to sleep and cried at work in the bathroom stall. I neglected important things because I was feeling trapped in this hell and I felt I had no way out. You can't be a good mother to your kids if you're not healthy emotionally. It just can't work that way. They thought I needed to go see my doctor to get on depression medicine. I seen my doctor and I cried to her. Telling her my situation. No need for depression medicine she said. Just change your situation. At that moment on. I knew I had to do something. 2016 I asked for a divorce and walked away from everything toxic in my life. The drugs the sex and I didn't care who got hurt. Nobody cared that I was hurting so why should I care if they hurt?

         The man I had fallen in love with stayed by my side. 2 years fighting my crazy emotions for him while he was fighting to let go of her. The one he thought he was in love with. Which was a toxic relationship as well. The moment I let go of the fact he didn't want me like that and accept the reality i'll never be his and just remain best friends. Is when I became not so dependent on him and let him see me for the real woman he knows I am. This beautiful kind loving awesome independent woman he sees. That was what he needed me to be. I just hadn't seen it yet. He couldn't be with me yet knowing neither one of us were ready. So I backed away a little and allowed him to see me. That was the best decision I had ever made. Although my heart wanted him. I stopped hurting myself emotionally with the fact I couldn't have my forbidden fruit. Yes he was my forbidden fruit. The one I couldn't have. I would have rather had him in my life as my best friend than not have him in my life at all.

         2018 was the year that changed my life. The man I had fallen in love with finally asked me to be his girlfriend. The night we went to the movies to see 50 Shades Freed. We had watched all of those movies together. Very intense movies that I refused to watch them with anyone else but him. Those were our movies. When he asked me to be his girlfriend my heart melted out of my chest. That was all I ever wanted. Was to be his. Because I knew deep in the pit of my soul. He was perfect for me. We had done so much together that our bond was as strong as gorilla glue. Our communication Is through the roof and we both trust each other with our life. Trust is our foundation in this relationship. He has never gave me any reason not to trust him. We have such a unique way to get along with each other. He gives me shit and I have learned he loves when I give it right back to him. We both laugh so much it's sickening. We both bring out the best in each other.

         Seven months later he proposed to me. We had been talking about getting married. But I just wasn't expecting him to ask soon after we started dating. But he obviously felt it was the right time. Of course I said yes. I would be a fool not to. My family hadn't really seen him much because we wanted to take it all slow and gradually let everyone get use to the idea mom has a new man in her life. He was my first boyfriend after my divorce. I refused to subject my kids to random men. I only had eyes for one man and one man only. And that man is now the love of my life and I will spend the rest of my life loving him. He has put a whole different meaning to the word.. LOVE!!!!! Love is not just a feeling you feel. It's the heart of another who sees your flaws and thinks you're still amazing and kisses your bruises from the pain you once were inflicted. He gave me strength to fight my way through life to get what I needed. I now have lady balls and I don't let anybody treat me like shit anymore.

         We grew together over the past 4 years. Going on 5 years. We taught each other so much that neither one of us will ever see us apart. When you find that one true soul who's heart fits into yours so perfectly. You knows that is something real. Becoming vulnerable to the fact you let your guard down and trust them to not tear your heart out of your chest. He took that chance. He had been hurt so much that he was cautious with letting me in. He said he knew if he had let go of his ex he would fall in love with me and that scared him so bad. He had always seen the worst in all of his relationships that he thought this one wouldn't be any different. But I'm not like the other women. I fell in love with him because of who he is and what he helped me do. To get away from what was killing me inside. He stayed beside me while I became stronger. I dedicated myself to him to let him know someone really loves him and not use him.

         We lived in separate places. Only 20 min away from each other though. He was a local truck driver so we didn't get to spend a lot of time together. My kids on my weekend and our weekend together when they were at their dads. We gave our relationship 18 months before we decided to live together. to make sure the kids were okay with us being together. Because mom has never been with a black man and their daddy was trying to get them to not like him. It was a struggle. But I made it aware to their daddy that they haven't been around him long enough to form an opinion of him. To let them decide for themselves.

         When he came around more often. My kids seen him and I together and saw just how a healthy relationship is suppose to look like. Teaching them that love doesn't hurt if two people are showing it. Now they really really like him because mom is finally happy. They finally see mom as a teenager in love.

         2019 We decided to buy a home. It took 5 months and we finally did it. I never imagined my life would be this wonderful with a man who is the best for my kids and I. I chose well for all of us. We never rushed into this because the kids always get the raw deal where the parents are concerned. Being torn away from the family that they always known. Now a new man or woman is coming into the picture to take on the roll of the absent parent. Their father married a new woman. He finally left me alone and stopped causing problems. He realized I wasn't coming back. The third and final time of leaving. I was gone for good. No looking back and no feeling guilty for taking care of my own well being. Their father blamed me for breaking up the family when I tried to leave the first time. It wasn't me that broke it. He started the crack in my trust and it broke because of his lies and I allowed it to break because of believing him. Relationships start to break by one person and continue to shatter by both. I was done being blamed. I was done being beat down by family. The husband and wife are suppose to love protect and defend each other from being hurt on every level. I was done being hurt. Happy spouse Happy house. No happy house there. The best day ever was receiving my divorce papers. I felt this sense of peace and I could finally breathe. He filed first. I didn't care who filed first. I just wanted out.

         No drama anymore. Ain't nobody got time for that. 6 months left and I get to marry my best friend. My mother isn't afraid for me anymore. One of my daughter's thanked him for taking care of her mom. All three of my kids are happy that I'm happy now. They no longer hear yelling, screaming, calling names. I did it for all of us.

         My third and final marriage. I told everyone he would have to be one hell of a man before I get married again for the third time. I swore to myself never again. But this man changed my heart and my mind and certainly my life. He healed my heart while I healed his to have this life together. One crazy wild ride that we'll ride together over and over. Our Ride or Die relationship.