Remoteless in Mascoutah

John declared as he sat on the couch next to his lovely bride, "Men should always be the holders of the remote!"

Laurel, eager for a fight after a long and excruciating day of work but wanting to draw the drama out slowly, said simply, "Why is that, friend?"

"Men are more logical and analytical."

"And exactly, what does that have to do with TV watching and channel surfing?"

"We are intuitive about the needs of the viewers in the room."

"Um, you can't even manage to notice that the dog is dancing at the front door."

"Pish, posh, that is because men have their priorities set. When we gather together to watch the tube, we pay attention only to the job at hand. "

"And what is it that I am thinking right now?"

"Let me see. Yes I have it. Behind those eyes hides a mixture of anger and mirth. You are in the mood for a romantic comedy to lighten your mood. And as an added bonus. I have helped you with your homework. You are welcome!"

"What?"

"That persuasive paper that you have to write. I have provided the argument. You're welcome!"

"You're killing me! You have proved nothing and given no logic to your statement."

"I haven't finished yet. We have the whole evening for me to prove the validity of my statement. I have even poured you a glass of wine."

"You and the wine, have my interest peaked. Continue."

"First, you are usually distracted and interrupted during our television watching. Correct?'

"Yes, laundry, kids, telephones, and dogs seem to need me most when I sit down but mainly because you tend to ignore their urgency."

"Exactly! I am able to tune out other trivial events happening around me making me very efficient in my duties."

"Oh, brother."

"Next, we have the complexity of the remotes themselves. How many times have you told me that you can't figure out which one to use? Vital information such as this is melded into my brain."

"I have no doubt that your brain is melted. You purchased the twenty-two remotes that we own. I would need a two hour tutorial just to use them all. I think one remote enabling us to turn the set on and off would be a better option. "

"You are witty and see that is what you do best, putting me in my place. You would be left without the whole surround sound, potty break pause, high-definition, picture-in-picture, and rewind experience. I have enhanced your viewing capabilities. "

"How can I ever repay you, oh wise one?"

"Then of course there is the whole argument of entitlement for the holder of the remote."

"Excuse me?"

"Hear me out. Don't get your feathers in an uproar. You have to agree that we cannot give that power to the kids. We would end up watching Teen Titans over and over again. That leaves you and me. We have already established that you are a hardworking and extremely busy woman. I have had to assume the throne out of sheer necessity for the harmony of our family."

"It's not the only throne that you sit well upon." Laurel said, as she presented her husband with an infuriated scowl.

"See, there's that wit again! Do you think you could make some popcorn before I start the movie? I'm cueing up Sleepless in Seattle, just for you."

"Popcorn, coming right up your highness." She said as she walked toward the kitchen.

Muddling under breath, she said for only the dog to hear, "Next week, we hide his remotes! We'll see how intuitive, he is then!"

Word Count 607