Wednesday in Warwick

Something bad happened in Warwick
I almost...
On January 3rd 2018
There were flashes
My father telling me that he didn't want to see me kiss the girl I loved
My mother saying I should just move out if I didn't like their rules
Her beautiful mouth uttering
"I love you"
Her deceiving lips proclaiming
"I don't know what I want"
Her tainted hands holding me for the last time

And then everything came like a flood

The abuse growing up
The feeling of always being "other" in this dark skin
The closet i didn't know I was trapped in
The heartbreak
The friends that left so brutally
The depression I had fought for so long

And then the flood broke the mental dam I had built

Wood splintered and cracked
Water savagely pierced the weakest points

then quiet....

All I could see or seem was the rumble of the train not far off
My feet perched on the edge, ready to leap

God, I wanted it
God, I needed it

Because pain like that is all consuming
People act like suicide is a rational choice

But for me, it's the most insane, irrational, desperate I've ever been

You can't see out or forward
Physically you're crippled
I was shaking
I was staring at knives on the table

Cut bitch
Cut. Bitch.

But then I thought everyone would hate me
Judge me
Pity me

So why stop there?
Why not just stop waking up every morning wishing I hadn't?

Wednesday in Warwick
I made one last ditch effort
I called a hotline
1-800-273-8255
And 14 minutes saved my life

And I've been checking my pulse this last week
Holding my breath to see if it was true

I don't know what clicked or what pulled me up
But today, I can officially say...
That I am no longer suicidal

I'm still depressed as fuck
I still have a long way to go

But I no longer regret not jumping on those tracks
So...I'm here. Here.