Last Night

Last Night.... Scarlett Blacck

Last night I fell asleep crying.
My body shook violently in silence.
I wanted the pain to end.
I wanted the nightmares to stop.
I wanted to be at peace.
But somehow that felt like unrealistic yearning

Last night I almost did it.
The bottle of colorful pills laid there seductively.
They whispered to me persuasively
I swear they told me to drink them.
I wanted to drink them.
I think I almost drank them.

Last night he saw my scars,
They were pretty scars,
They reminded me not to drown,
He didn't say anything,
He ignored them,
I made more pretty scares.
Fresh ones ,because when he pretended like he didn't notice them again
I almost drowned
How could he not see that the pain was suffocating me.

Last night the doctor came to see me,
She was nice,
But she didn't care
She didn't understand,
It was okay,
No one understood,
So I ignored her,
She gave up,
They all did,

This morning I struggled to get up,
I was drowning,
The voices in my head were too loud,
The doctor left me a blank book,
She said it will help if I wrote down what I felt
I nodded
She left it by my bed
I stared at the book.

When the voices started again,
When the drowning crashed my lungs,
I grabbed a pen and wrote,
I wrote till it got quiet.

The voices aren't too loud anymore,
I sometimes drown,
But I'm learning how to swim,
I stopped seeing him,
He didn't care, It was okay I was never his to care for in the beginning i get that now.
I try give myself the love I always wanted

I still cry... gripping for air when the pain drags me underwater
I still look at the pretty pills, wondering if they would give me the escape I deeply seek
But unlike last night,
I don't reach out for them,
I don't shake as bad.

I watch the day disappearing and the shadows growing
I hold my breath
Maybe tonight won't be like last night
Maybe one night I will be fully okay.