IS IT A BLESSING OR A CURSE?

IS IT A BLESSING OR A CURSE?

"I make love with my writing, but I also go to war with it. Sometimes I win, others I get killed. Writing is my disease but is also the cure for my aches."

• Leonor Brito

If you really want to write, you must write from your heart, I can't remember who said this but I've heard this advice before. I believe this is true. Whatever you're writing the message should come from the bottom of your heart. This is the reason why I write about writing. Because the passion is in my heart; my heart tells me that I must write. That, I must write about my passion for writing. To be honest, I'm still confused because I'm not sure whether my passion is a blessing or a curse? When I compare myself to others I always arrive at the conclusion that I'm different from them. My contemporaries were family men like me and they're all living a "normal" life based on the standard of the society. They're working 8 hours every day from Monday to Saturday to support their families; they spent their Sunday with their love ones and return to work on the following day. To break the monotony of life they drank liquor and beer, puff cigarettes, watch television and play computer games. In short, their life is very ordinary. I also do these things; the only difference is that my mind is also occupied with the passion to write. I don't watch television or listen to radio too much nor waste my time in Facebook; Instead, I prefer to be left alone inside my room to write essays and poems using my laptop. I always told my two daughters not to disturb me because I'm working on an important project. "Why are you bringing your work at home Papa?" Clarissa, my eldest daughter, she's 7 years old, always ask me this question in a teasing way. I always smile back and kiss her in the cheek.

Am I writing my thoughts about writing because I want to convince myself that I'm really a writer? Why do I have to be alone, why not just joined the crowd and be ordinary like them? Am I a slave of my passion? Do I have a future in writing? These are the recurring questions in my head and to be honest I don't know how to answer these queries. I guess the life of a writer is not really normal. The truth is that I can't stop writing even if I wanted to. Is it a blessing or a curse, I really don't know? Perhaps it's both. All I want is to write. I want to write because I want to share my thoughts and feelings to the world; I want people to understand my pain and pleasure. But the world doesn't care about my thoughts and feelings; the world doesn't care about my writings. It's alright, I still want to write. I want to write because I want to heal my wounded soul; I want to liberate the prisoner inside my heart. I want to write with or without preparation or research; I want to be spontaneous. I want to write about anything that inspire or hurt me. I want to search the human soul just like the author Khalil Gibran. I want to write about my fantasies and plans in life; I want to write about my perspective and points of view. I want to write about the demons that're hiding inside my closet. Am I asking too much?

My love for writing is a blessing at the same time it's a curse.