FEARS OF DOUBT

I went to church every Sunday. Not just Sundays, but also on Mondays and Wednesdays. But, the other two days were Bible study and they didn’t count. I walked through the empty building. The smell of the stale air took me back to church services long ago. I remembered warm Sundays with dust motes danced in the sunlight streaming through stain glass windows. I opened a side door and entered a small room with a circular table. Suddenly, the table was as bright as the sun. I quickly shut the blinds on the window.

I turned on the lights and set down. The door hit the wall with a bang as Mark opened it.

“Hey Luke, how is it going?” he asked.

“Hey, it's going,” I said.

“I have a really exciting topic today. I am glad you made it!”

“Cool.” Tim and John arrived together and Mark started.

“Today’s topic is doubt,” he said. He looked around at everyone. Tim younger with sandy hair and John was older with grey in his hair. His eyes stopped on me for just a moment longer. I shivered. I felt myself slipping down into the chair until the table was at eye level. Everything dissolved around me. Mark filled my vision.

Mark looked the man of God. His lips made a thin line and brows were large and furrowed. He was quick to anger but slow to smile. He stood above everyone no matter how tall they were. My soul felt in danger of eternal damnation whenever he was around.

“I think there is someone here who should not be,” he said, “Someone who doubts that God exists.”

“What!? That doesn’t sound very Christian,” I said. John nodded.

“Are you the one who doesn’t believe Luke?” he asked.

“No!”

“We all know it is you.” John nodded to that. Tim looked at me for the first time. It was not a nice look.

“Jesus did not doubt in the desert.” He held the Bible up like a ward.

“Get out Luke,” he said.

“Yeah,” John said.

“Don’t come back,” Tim said.

I ran out. The main room was dark. There was a dripping sound echoing in the back. The lights hung down on the ceiling like stalactites.
“What God would let this happen?” I asked. The church did not answer. In the silence, I reconsidered. That was too simplistic of a view.
“They won’t stop me believing,” Then I was awoken from the daydream/nightmare as Mark continued to speak.

“I want to talk about Luke today,” he said, “I have never known another who works so hard to know God. Who among us had never felt doubt? Without it, there would be no faith. Luke is always there to talk to me when I doubt. I just want to say how much I appreciate you.” I knew my face was red. I turned my head away as Mark came in for a hug.