M- the monster

The summer before my freshman year I was still trying to find myself. Like I've said before, I was always the "ugly duckling". No boy ever noticed me and if he did it was to always make fun of me. My mom decided i needed to start acting and looking like a girl so she enlisted the help of my aunts to teach me how to do my hair and makeup. I learned pretty quick and soon it became just an easy thing to do. I remember boys and pieces of that summer. I stayed a whole month with my cousin and we tried out best to get the most out of it. Walking thru town, going to the library, hanging out with her friends, and of course spending as much time at the pool. I look back and think, such a care free time in my life that I allowed to turn ugly.
I didn't notice M at first. I'm not even sure he noticed me. He went straight to my cousin and talked to her. I stayed back and listened in on their conversation. He invited her to an end of summer party. She told him she'd go if i could go along. He looked at me and as he stared he said, "sure why not." My heart jumped a little. She told me he was a senior and he always had parties. I got excited. This was definitely a way to start off the year. A whole new me. A whole new side of me.
We show up to the party and I stick to my cousin like glue. I knew no one and didn't want to be left alone. She found her friends and we went straight to them. I'm laughing and talking and having a great time when I feel I light tap on my shoulder. I turn around and there he was. M. His smile sent shivers down my spine but I was still wanted to know him. He asked of I wanted a drink and I happily accepted. We walked outside and sat on the porch. I couldn't tell you what we talked about but I knew I wanted to know all of him. I knew from that moment I was trapped. I knew my life was going to change.
We talked for what felt like days. He told me a little about himself and I told him about me. He was interested in the fact that I never dated anyone. He thought it was funny. M got up to get another drink and the butterflies in my stomach multiplied. I really liked him and hoped it would become something. As the night came to an end he walked me to the front of the house. He kissed my cheek and there that was when I fell for him. Why didn't I just walk away?
Summer came to an end and I didn't see M again. It hurt and I figured if he really wanted to see me he would of made an effort. I started my freshman year with a little bit of confidence. I guess in a way he did do something with my self esteem. I walked the halls without trying to hide. Little by little my clothes became tighter to show my curves. I laughed a lot more and I could look guys straight in the eye without getting flushed from being so shy. Thank you for the confidence boost. But screw you for the aftermath of knowing you.
I come from a small west Texas town. Where everyone knows your name and football is life. The cool thing to do was go to the game and hang out at the bottom with all your friends. That was what made those Friday night lights. As I was walking to the concession stand I hear my name. I turn and there he was, with that cold smile and those dark eyes. I smiled and gave him a hug. From there he knew he had me. He knew I was crushing on him. He knew what he was doing. We talked and laughed and caught up with each others lives. He asked if I could go out and I said probably not. He begged me to just sneak out. As much as I wanted to say no. I agreed. I gave him my address and ran to meet my mom at the gate. I should've just said no.
He showed up at my house and helped me sneak out of my window. We went to a hotel and he introduced me to his friends. I sat down on the edge of one of the beds. My stomach was in knots thanks to my anxiety. I kept thinking my parents are going to kill me as soon as I get home. Before I knew it his friend brought out some cocaine. I watched them do it and thought to myself I would never do this. That's when he turned to me and offered some. I kindly declined and he laughed and called me a baby. I felt bad. Was I being a baby? Why would i be a baby for saying no? I laughed it off and looked the other way. I just wanted out of that room. He said something in spanish and his friends got up and walked out. We were all alone. He caressed my hair and face and called me beautiful. That a was a new one for me. He kissed me ever so gently and I allowed it. He groped me and I allowed it. He then started trying to undress me and I pushed him away. I was a virgin and wasn't going to just do it. I explained that to him. The look on his face. I'll always remember. For the next 3 months of our relationship that look would always scare me. I don't remember him lifting his hand. I just remember the sting across my face. He bent down and grabbed my face and forced a kiss. I wanted to scream from the pain but with his mouth pressed against mine it was hard to let it out. He finally let go and looked at me and said with a straight look, you belong to me and what I say goes. And walked out of the room. My heart was pounding in my ears and fear took over. I grabbed my jacket to run out. As soon as I got to the door he walked back in. He said he was sorry and gave me hug. As if that was supposed to be ok. I told him I was fine, stupid I know. He took me back home and helped me back inside. I cried and cried because at that point I knew I wasn't going to be able to walk away.
........to be continued