A veteran zoo keeper teaches a newbie about animal mating rituals. |
Prompt: Romantic Encounters Genre: Animal/Romance/Nature Written for "The Monthly Script Writing Contest" FADE IN EXT – A ZOO – DAY We move through random people out enjoying the day at the zoo. Some children hold popcorn. Some adults push strollers or hold cameras. There is an air of excitement and people laugh, talk, and stop to look at animals. As we move, we pass monkeys, lions, rhinos, and then approach a single armed gate that can easily be stepped over. A bold red and white sign states, “Authorized Personnel Only.” We move pass that to a small building with small windows, peeling paint, and a worn, wooden door. We pass through the door to the inside. INT. – THE KITCHEN/STOCK ROOM OF A ZOO – DAY Inside the room are shelves from the floor to the ceiling full of boxes, jars, and containers. There are a large walk-in refrigerator and freezer. Two commercial-sized sinks line one wall. The walls are a dull, faded color and the asbestos tile floor is well worn. The room is well lit with several florescent lights. Fresh vegetables are stacked on the table in the center of the room as well as on the drying rack by one of the sinks. A woman in a tan zoo uniform stands at the sink washing vegetables. SARAH JANE SMITH is in her late twenties, slim, has light brown hair pulled neatly into a ponytail, and skin well-tanned by the sun. By the table, MARK DAVIS, a young man in his mid-twenties with similarly colored hair, cut short but styled with gel and having a paler skin sorts vegetables, cutting off bad parts and tossing them into the large round garbage can. SARAH JANE So, what made you decide you wanted to work at a zoo? I mean, most people’s lives are enough of a zoo. (laughs) MARK Lots of things. My dad was a vet, so I grew up with an appreciation for animals. Whenever I brought something home, he always let me keep it, at least until we nursed it back to health. At different times we had a litter of racoons, a fawn, several squirrels, both babies and adults, unknown numbers of chipmunks, as well as stray dogs and cats throughout my childhood. The cats were the main source of the other animals. (laughs) I used to pretend I was a vet when I was a kid, either working on one of our dogs, the cats and other animals were usually too uncooperative, or sometimes even making my little sister pretend she was an animal for me to work on. As long as I let her be a horse or pony, she was usually game for the idea. SARAH JANE Why didn’t you become a vet? MARK There is a whole lot of math involved in becoming a vet. I can do math if I need to, but I do not enjoy it. I never even bother to figure out my miles per gallon when I fill up. I don’t calculate my hours at work to be sure I’m getting paid the right amount. I basically live my life as if math didn’t exist. (laughs) SARAH JANE You know there’s a lot of math involved here too, right? We have to calculate how much to feed each animal, weigh them… MARK (interrupts) I didn’t know that at the time. That wasn’t mentioned in the job Interview. (laughs) Besides, I have a pretty awesome co-worker that I’m hoping to pawn off all the math onto. I hear she likes math or some nonsense like that. (turns around and grins before resuming work) SARAH JANE Well, I’ll bet that co-worker will want something in return. MARK (uses sexy voice) Whatever you say, baby. (laughs) SARAH JANE I should have never told you you looked like my celebrity crush. Just because I find you attractive doesn’t mean anything. There’s more to romance than just a pretty face. Speaking of which, you came at the right time of year if romance is what you’re interested in. We have to keep an eye on the mating pairs to ensure everyone is doing their job. Did you know that for years we couldn’t figure out how to get a panda pair to mate? And by “we” I mean humans, not just Americans. Worldwide, captive panda mating has been a problem. At least one zoo even tried panda porn to try to teach them what to do. I’m not sure if that worked, but still, interesting idea. Of course, artificial insemination tends to be what we rely on most, but if we are ever going to be able to reintroduce them into the wild, we have to be able to ensure they can mate there. But panda often stay with their parents for up to two years, so maybe there is something that happens in the wild that teaches them. Female pandas tend to mate with multiple males each time they are in heat in the wild, so babies have opportunities to observe things up close and personal several times to get the hang of it. In captivity, there is generally only one pair and they may only go at It once, if at all. MARK Once ever? SARAH JANE Sorry. Once per year. Female pandas are usually only in heat For 3-7 days and the male has to be interested as well. MARK What male isn’t? (laughs) SARAH JANE Male pandas. They actually have really low testosterone because the bamboo gives them so little energy. They only get a boost when they are fighting over a female, which of course, doesn’t happen in zoos. It’s not uncommon for the male, if he can even figure out what to do, to not want to bother. (hands Mark the rest of the freshly washed veggies) MARK Well, glad we aren’t with the pandas. I don’t want to do any artificial insemination. SARAH JANE The vets do that, but we help if we’re needed. MARK Let’s hope we aren’t needed. SARAH JANE Panda hater. (laughs) But if you’re shy about animals having sex, be glad you aren’t working with the bonobo monkeys. They have sex a lot and all sorts of sex. Interestingly, they will actually have sex facing each other, like humans. They also French kiss, have oral sex, give hand jobs, engage in homosexual activities, and even incest. They have a lot of sex with just about everyone for just about any reason, for anything from gaining rank to use as a sort of currency among them. They are fascinating animals. MARK So, maybe folks should talk about young couples making it like bonobos instead of rabbits. (laughs) SARAH JANE Probably (laughs) MARK Alright, so I’m not with the pandas and I’m not with the bonobos. What do I actually need to know about? SARAH JANE (piles MARK’s vegetables in a plastic container) Well, here in the African part of the zoo… MARK (interrupts) Minus the primate section. SARAH JANE Yes, we don’t care for the African primates, anyway, you’ll be interested in the giraffe’s mating ritual. The male giraffe licks and rubs the female’s hind end until she urinates. He drinks it, checking for her hormone levels to see if she’s ready to mate. MARK Oh God! Please tell me I don’t have to get involved in that! (holds his hand over his mouth briefly before lifting the box of vegetables into a wagon for easy tranportation) SARAH JANE Oh no. Giraffes, unlike pandas, are usually pretty good at getting things done on their own, especially here in captivity. They don’t even have a real mating season in captivity. They can mate all year round, weather permitting, unlike in the wild. MARK (begins pulling the wagon loaded with veggies outside) Yay giraffes! SARAH JANE (follows MARK outside) Spotted hyenas are pretty cool. The packs are run by a dominant female. Actually, it’s common for the lowest female to outrank the highest male. Now, that’s what I call sexy. MARK Uh. No. SARAH JANE Female hyenas are awesome! They have a false scrotum and testes which block their vagina. MARK Now you’re just making this up. SARAH JANE No. For real! The female even has a sort of pseudo-penis which the male has to manage to insert his penis into. It’s really a 7-inch clitoris, but it’s pretty awesome. Mating is tricky for the male, though. It can sometimes take months for the young males to figure out how to thread a female just right. By the way, that’s also where she urinates and gives birth. MARK Are you serious about this? (approaches the hippopotamus enclosure) EXT – THE OUTSIDE OF THE HIPPO ENCLOSURE -- DAY Large indoor/outdoor enclosure with two hippos surrounded by African grasses and a pool SARAH JANE Absolutely. Females hyenas rock! Oh, and the more submissive males have a better chance of mating than aggressive ones. (unlocks back area of indoor enclosure and enters with MARK) INT – THE INSIDE AREA OF THE HIPPO ENCLOSURE NOT ASSESSIBLE TO VISITORS – DAY The hippo enclosure is painted beige everywhere except the pool and the ceiling which are a light blue. The room is divided so the hippos and humans can’t accidentally interact. There is a closet in the back of the human side of the room which contains an assortment of items necessary for the care and maintenance of the hippos and their enclosure MARK Wow! Good thing I’m not a hyena. SARAH JANE Nah. You’d be fine. (laughs as she unlocks and opens the door to a closet beside the enclosure, in the back area) Okay, we need to get these two into that area so we can clean out their inside area. (points to the left) I’ll lure them with food as you lock the gate. (walks to the left) Come here sweeties. How are my favorite river horses? MARK You’re weird. (begins to close the gate after the animals move to the other side of the enclosure) SARAH JANE Hippopotamus is Greek for “river horse.” (tosses MARK a broom and long-handled dust pan) Here. Scoop the poop. MARK Why me? You should probably show me how first. SARAH JANE Nope. I’m busy observing their behavior and making notes. You don’t know them well enough to know what’s odd behavior and what’s not. (begins writing in notebook as MARK scoops) Oh! Mark! Check this out! (male hippo urinates and defecates at the same time, then begins swinging this tail around like a helicopter, spraying MARK with the filth--SARAH JANE laughs as MARK screams in a high-pitched voice and begins scrambling out of the hippo enclosure) Sorry! Maybe "Check this out" isn't the best thing to have said just then. I should have said, "Watch out." MARK You think? (begins pulling off his shirt--SARAH JANE's laughter stops as she sees his torso) See something you like? SARAH JANE (blushes) Look, their about to mate. (the hippos go into the water and begin splashing around) It's their foreplay. MARK Foreplay, huh? (flexes in front of SARAH JANE) SARAH JANE (gives MARK a quick peck on the cheek and blushes) Alright, Ranger Rick. Back to work. I need to record how long their little romantic encounter takes. MARK If you think that's romantic, just wait. (takes his broom and begins to dance as he goes back inside the enclosure to continue cleaning) FADE OUT |