Why So Heavy?

Why is it so heavy?

When people ask me what is my biggest fear, I say I’m not sure.
I want to say that my biggest fear is being picked up.
For attention.
But I don’t say it. I’m not like that.
It’s because of my weight.
Everything was fine at first.
Until about 4th or 5th grade.
They started to weigh us in school.
All girls my age were under 100 or 90… Pounds.
I didn’t feel like anyone else, for I was 125 or so.
I remember one day, in particular, I was running to class and I got closure with my weight.
“I can deal with my weight” attitude.
I was at least 9 by this time.
This closure died within me when I became friends with a girl in 6th grade.
She was very thin, and almost never ate at school.
She was 90 pounds.
She asked me to give her a piggyback ride on the grass.
I did. I wish I never did.
I felt her hip bones and vertebrae along my back and shoulders.
She was normal and admirable to me.
No one looked like me.
I began to hate my body, for I didn’t look like her.
I was only friends with her then, so I had to one to talk to.
No one looked like me.
Life was a blur.
Life was foggy.
8th grade… 2000 calories…
1700...1500...1000...700...500... perfect…
Daily amount.
My life was orange juice and bagels.
No one looked like me.
Temporary injury had “accidentally” occurred.
Bruises and cuts were my vail of confidence no one could see but me.
And yet… I didn’t lose weight.
It was hard to stop but I did.
It turns out the only way I lose weight is by doing something I love.
Dancing.
The movement of the thing I had once hated so much and couldn’t bare to look at, to create something... beautiful.
I got fit and lost 15 pounds.
Who knew I could be happy and satisfied, without needing to feel my hip bones.
I surround myself with people who keep me up.
Who knew, that I would live to see the day that people, did look like me.