I don't know how to feel

         I don't know how to write what I'm feeling. I don't know how to describe the thoughts in my head anymore. It used to be so easy saying how I truly felt, but now it's harder. I don't have that emptiness, but I don't have that fullness either. Some days I feel like I've been brainwashed to feel and think a certain way, but it's not my fault. I was native and immature, but it wasn't my fault. All the fault goes to that chemical called love. Love blinded me and kept me from seeing the flags. Love kept the doubt and abuse away. Without that love, I've been reborn into a new person. A person who knows how to fight and survive, but I don't know how to describe how I feel.
         If you heard the story, you would understand. The story of a young girl who didn't know of the darkness of the world, and didn't want to know. She was just being a teenager and enjoying her time, but she didn't truly enjoy it. All the things she had were toxic. She met a toxic boy who told her a story as well. In that story, the main character was put in a situation and kill themselves to escape it all. Three years has past since then, and she meet another toxic boy. She loved this boy with all her heart and he pretend to. The boy went away for a crime he did, and she wanted to play a game. Her laptop had a problem, so she went to his. She kept getting fake players and kept getting in bad servers, but then she got into a certain one that changed everything.
         She called herself a Medic girlfriend and played the heavy weapons man. She started to realize that this game was a setup, but kept playing. She read the messages in the game, and it was the same things her boyfriend told her. Her anxiety was raising with every moment that past, but she kept playing. She changed classes to a Solider and wanted to win. She played till she saw the Medic... The Medic wasn't attached to the other player and she checked the name of that person... It's name was NekoLover... She realized she was the Medic and wasn't truly attached to him. She knew it deep down but now she saw it in the worse way. She read the messages once again and it said "Now I'm having suicidal thoughts.." She covered her mouth and just cried while being in fear. She didn't want to kill herself at all... She went to her mother and just cried...
         The next day, she called her best friend. Her best friend lives with the other toxic boy, but she needed help. The problem on her laptop was a virus her boyfriend put, and thanked herself for not deleting it. The toxic boy told her how he just got in trouble and what the virus truly was. She started to slowly remember the story she was told three years ago and realized she was in danger. The best friend came over and she tried to explain to her everything, but she didn't have proof of things so her best friend didn't pick sides. She saw every word her best friend say, play in her head like the story. She started to also realize she didn't trust her best friend anymore as time went on.
          A guy she knew texted her, but this was the first time he ever did. He asked her on a friend date and she went. They went to play so pool and had a blast. He didn't treat her like a whore nor a object. She asked to go to his house and chill, he said it was a good idea. They got in bed and watch t.v. and cuddle. Things started to get hotter, but she needed to be home. She told him she was okay with just cuddling, and he was happy for that too. After that, they started to date. Things were going well, till one day they went to his friend's house. They were smoking and he said something that triggered her. The story came back into her head and got scared. She went to the bathroom and tried to calm down, but it wasn't working. He took her back to his house, but she still saw the story playing in front of her. She drank water and began to relax. He took her home and she explained everything to her mom.
          He was in the story as well, but that didn't change her mind about him. One of the nights she was with him, a commercial played on the radio. They were talking about everything she and him were doing. Right down to the point where they were about to have a fun Saturday night. After that commercial, she looked at him and said "We're playing into each other's mind games..." He just smiled and kissed her. After a few weeks, he ghosted her. She knew it was just a rebound, but she was happy that at least one guy treated her well.
          The story was about me killing myself because they did something... I saw each word everyone said from the story play in front of me. While I was on the internet, there were posts about horrible things. Those two toxic boys planned every single thing out, but they didn't plan on me changing. If I tried to explain this to someone in greater detail, they'll think I'm crazy and won't believe it. I know I'm not and my family believes me too. Now I'm just dealing with severe paranoia and PTSD... And I still don't know how to describe how I feel...