Illegal Alien

"I'll need your license and registration, please."

"Wh-where am I?"

"Been sippin' the Trandff Juice, have we? No, don't try to deny it. I can smell it on your breath."

"I had tuna for lunch."

"Yeah, yeah. Tell it to the Xunx-Xinx."

"Xunx-Xinx?"

"Oh, how do the Earthlings say it? The judge. Tell it to the judge."

"But I haven't done anything wrong!"

"Don't make me snort, Earthling. You are clearly flying without an Omicron Class License and you've landed on our planet without a Purple Card. That makes you an illegal alien. We don't cotton to illegals in this quadrant."

"This is a mistake. I didn't choose to come here, my ship crashed!"

"That's what they all say. Now if you'll please crawl out of the refuse and put your tentacles above your head — "

"I don't have tentacles."

"Hmmm. My apologies, wrong species. Raise your fleshy appendages above your head before I blast you with my ray gun."

"Fine. Just let me get my leg loose — "

"By Orion's Belt, what are you wearing?"

"It's a spacesuit."

"It's racially insensitive, that's what it is! I'll have to add it to the list of charges. Boy, is the Xunx-Xinx going to have a field day with you!"

"How was I supposed to know it was offensive? I've never been on another planet before!"

"If you'd taken the time to study our laws, bylaws, and buhbye laws before blasting off all willy-nilly into space, you wouldn't be in this mess."

"I didn't know you existed!"

"Ignorance is no excuse!"

"Look, perhaps we can come to an arrangement?"

"Are you bribing me?"

"Um, maybe?"

"You got any Razark gems?"

"Noooo..."

"How 'bout a Flecarn vase? My mate has wanted one of those for two life spans, now."

"Sorry."

"A Grixii'an puppling? Or maybe a painting by Cyfas the Cyflicator?

"I've got a gold ring."

"Gold, huh? Well, it's not worth as much as Rhodium but it's enough to give you a five minute head start."

"Head start?"

"From the Sirius wolf pack. We use'em to keep prisoners in line during transport."

"W-wolves?"

"I told you, we don't tolerate illegal aliens in this sector. I can hear the hounds a-bayin', Earthling. You better start running... "