Cancer... again

I almost didn't go for the mammogram. This time it is Stage 1 (thank you God) breast cancer. I mean, honestly. I've had cancer. But I'm so glad I went. Devastating, life altering, disgusting, fuck you cancer. Last time I lost my hair (and I mean all of it), dropped 35 lbs in a month and it took me two years to recover. It cost me all of my savings, a business, my beautiful apartment and furniture. I thought I was dying. I felt as though I was. I moved in with my sister and was drugged for several months while going through surgery and chemo.
And then it was done. The sun started to shine again. I had sex again! I'd definitely felt that was done. I was 55. My body had been through a war. It wasn't easy. I had to come up with a new career at this age. I started out as a nanny. I have experience with kids and housekeeping. I'd been a legal secretary before marriage and even gone back to college but.. gaps and inexperience, changes, meant that I could just never get a decent job. And so I became a live in nanny.
Well, that lasted 6 weeks. Nannies are not treated humanely, trust me. That's another story. I thought I had found a better nanny position in Toronto but that last 4 days! They wanted me to work 14 hours a day seven days a week for $500 a week. There were other reasons too. Cultural differences. But ultimately I was just about homeless.
I was taken in by a niece for a few months to get back on my feet and gradually found a tiny apartment and started cleaning condos. It was hard work. And it didn't pay well. But I was trying.
One day I was helping a friend to read lines for an acting class and he told me that I was good and that I should be doing this. After 6 chemo treatments my confidence regarding my memory was not high and so I thought I'd try background work. Love it. But it also doesn't pay well and it's intermittent. Sometimes there's work and sometimes... there isn't.
But all in all, I was grateful. I had a tiny home. My children are pretty happy and close by. Nothing in perfect but I was feeling good. And then I wasn't.
And so now I have finished several radiation treatments. My heart aches. Can I do this? My condo business is done I think. Clients move on. The acting is still there but it's precarious. A precarious passion. Life seems to be precarious.
People tell me to take one day at a time. It's all we have really. You can plan and hope but there's no guarantee.
I'm having a grand baby come in to my life this summer. Maybe I'll fall in love again. Hope springs eternal they say.