Barking up the Wrong Tree

For: Thrice Prompted.
A grown-up fairy tale.
586 words

Another hero had slain the dragon and climbed the ivy-clad tower to my bedchambers. I watched as he took a step over the window ledge, his sword raised in victory. With a resounding ring he slipped the weapon into his scabbard. Spreading out his arms, he bowed low, sending his white sleeves billowing behind him like a swan ready to take flight.

"I am Prince Noble. I have traveled over tempest seas and scorching deserts to rescue the princess of this castle. Pray, tell me where I can find your mistress, wench, for this very night I will have her hand in marriage!"

"Just her hand?" I scoffed, "What about the rest of her?"

I watched as his dark eyes flashed and his chiseled jaw lowered in contempt.

"You insolent girl! I demand you bring me my princess!"

"No need to throw a tizzy fit," I rolled my eyes, imagining him stomping his foot like an angry child denied his sweets. "For she is standing before you." I attempted to throw my mousy hair over my shoulders. The greasy tresses didn't quite make the effect that I hoped for.

The prince blinked and stumbled back a pace, "How can this be?" he murmured, "You look nothing like a princess. You're..."

"Ugly?"

He had the good grace to blush.

"I regret to inform you, my dear sir, that not only does my magic mirror not praise my beauty but my hair is both unmagical and," I ran a finger through the snarls, "Unmanageable. If I were to lift my voice in song my warbling would break glass...which is one of the reasons I don't own any breakable slippers. The second being, of course, that my feet are much too large." I lifted my skirt and the prince gagged in horror as my size tens were revealed.

"Well, then," Prince Noble's brows lifted hopefully, "Perhaps you were, uh, cursed as an infant?" Crossing the distance between us, he leaned forward, lips puckered. With a snarl, I stomped on his foot.

"Ouch!" Why'd you do that?" he shouted, hopping on one booted foot.

"Were you trying to kiss me?" I asked, my voice squeaking in outrage.

"Of course! It's the only way to break the spell!"

"I'm not cursed!" I yelled. A shudder rippled through my body as he wiped a sleeve across his mouth. "Keep your slobbery lips to yourself. Who knows where they've been?"

The prince pouted and then suddenly pointed his finger toward the general vicinity of my legs.

"You're really a mermaid, aren't you?" he squinted at my skirt as if imagining a tail hidden beneath the material. "That's why your feet are so big. To compensate for the fins, right? I bet under water you're a real dish..."

I crossed my arms and practiced a delicate snort. Instead, snot blasted from my nose and onto his golden buttons. "I don't know how to swim," I frowned, grabbing a tissue to play the nose trumpet.

"I...I see," He pulled out a hanky and mopped at the gooey mess on his front. "It seems I've, uh, made a mistake. I shall try the next castle over."

He launched himself out the window, landing perfectly on the back of his white steed. I leaned out and watched as he galloped away. With a sigh I tromped out of the room and yelled down the spiral staircase, "Daaaaaad-dy! We need to order another dragon from Dungeons, Dragons, and More!"

An echoed cry bounced back at me, "Not again!"