Depression

I have Depression. For as long as I can remember, it's been a part of me.

Some days I struggle to get out of bed more than others. And it's not always days -- sometimes I can struggle every morning for weeks, or even months, just to put that first foot on the floor. It's just hard to move, to do anything, to feel anything. It's like the weight of the world rests on my chest, refusing to get off of me. It's just an inexplicable heaviness that the human eye fails to see.

Whenever I do finally get up, I go through my daily routine much like a robot, thinking nothing of it. Like anyone else would do, I use the bathroom. I shower. If it's not too big a task, I actually shampoo and condition my hair. I put on some sort of clothes. If I feel up to it I'll dry and comb my hair and brush my teeth, but that's usually the furthest that my efforts get me. Then if I remember, I make my way down to the kitchen and find some kind of breakfast. Usually I'm not even hungry, but I try and make myself eat a little something anyway, even if it's only a few bites. After all, they say that breakfast is the most important meal, and is very good for you -- oftentimes I find myself wishing it would magically make me happy again, that these Fruity Pebbles had some sort of magical healing abilities that would send all my worries away.

Whatever I do after that depends entirely on the day. Sometimes it's school. I put on a mask, and wear my best fake smile. I pull my bag over my shoulder and I walk out the door. I go through the motions, hearing the words that the teachers are saying, but rarely retaining them in my memory. Other times, it's lying in bed all day, doing absolutely nothing but drowning in my own uncontrolled thoughts. They say that when a creative person is feeling down, they should channel those feelings into their art...Me I write Sometimes it's easy for me -- the words just keep coming to mind, and I keep putting them on paper. Other times, it's hard -- I come up with absolutely nothing, and these feelings are trapped inside, unable to be let out. Basically, on days where I'm feeling this way, I do anything to try and pass the time -- to make it go by quicker, to feel better faster.

Depression isn't always about sadness, though. A lot of times it is. A lot of times it feels as if all the emotions have been sucked from your body, leaving sadness behind to consume you. Sad is the only thing you think, feel, say, or do. Little things can upset you further -- like dropping your sandwich, or watching Spongebob Squarepants the Movie and thinking that they're actually going to die at the end. But usually, there's no reason behind the feeling -- you just feel sad, constantly, with no explanation, no matter how hard you try to find one. Your life could be going great - fantastic, even - and yet for some reason you still feel sad. For some reason you find yourself crying on the bathroom floor, or unable to fall asleep at night. Sometimes, you can't even cry at all.



Other times, though... you feel nothing. Not even sadness is there, and you may even find yourself wishing that it was, so you could just feel something. You feel a certain darkness lingering in the air, behind you, above you, below you, all around you, just waiting to take you over, but you don't know when, or why, and you don't understand it. Things can be happening around you, both good and bad, and you simply don't feel a thing, you simply don't react. It's as if you are in an everlasting sleep, but somehow you are still awake. Your heart's still beating, and you're still breathing, but there is no life in you anymore. It's like you're in prison, and your own body is your cell.

I find one of the hardest parts to be when you're talking to a lover, and you tell them you love them, but you don't feel it.
Boyfriend: Goodnight. I love you.
Me: I love you too.
You say it, and you know that it's true, because you've felt it before, and said it before, but you don't feel it now. The words just roll off your tongue in monotone, simply because that's what comes naturally. You can see the love in their eyes, but yours are just empty.

And another horrible part is that, when others say they love you, and that they're there for you and want to help, somehow you still manage to find yourself feeling completely alone. No matter how many friends or family members surround you, it feels like no one is there -- sometimes not even your own self.
Friend: How are you feeling?
Me: I'm okay.
Friend: You know you can talk to me right? I'm here for you.
Me: I know.
Sometimes it can cause you to wonder what would happen if you left it all behind. You wonder if anyone would miss you if you were gone. You wonder if anyone would even care, and if so, then who?

I'm never trying to push people away. I just don't want them to hurt like I do.

It starts to make you feel like a bad person when you look outside and can't appreciate a beautiful day, because your whole world is just... gray. It makes you feel like an entirely different person when you can't even enjoy your favorite foods, and all the things you used to love to do, start to become more and more boring. It starts to make you feel like you aren't normal when you realize that no normal person thinks or feels the way that you do. It makes you feel like a mistake that someone tried to erase but couldn't, because you have one foot in Life, and the other... far gone. You really begin to question yourself, to doubt yourself, and many times even fear yourself. You begin to believe that you will never be happy again, and that if you do somehow find happiness, it won't last long these feelings will come and go. When they stay, they can last days, weeks, or even months. And when they're gone, they can either be completely gone, or you can sense them, always, surrounding you, waiting for a moment that you're happy so that they can swoop in and take it from you in an instant. Sometimes, you feel them coming. Other times, you don't. Sometimes the feelings hit you harder than other times, drag you deeper down into the cold, dark waters of Depression, and you forget to hold your breath. Sometimes... you fail to reach the surface, and you end up drowning.