Crack Rock

Why is it you still run from me?

Do I embarrass you mother?

Is it the resemblance of my father you see in my face
or your drug dealer significant other?

Is it because I cut my hair and it confirmed
my sexuality that my 7 year bi-curiosity
wasn't a phase?
Is that why you wouldn't show up for days?
Missing out on first kisses and all of my plays.

I've always tried to be a diamond in your
eyes
yet this rock had more shine then mine.

Inhaling paint to even get a scrape of your
high
frying my brain and unable to comply
to simple questions such as

"How's your mom doing?"

I just stopped lying
say I haven't seen her for awhile
and I don't know where she stays,
no
saying I look like her isn't a compliment you should pay

Guess that's why as a child I've always
enjoyed the movie Holiday Heart
Knowing what it's like to have a mom with a
crack rock for a heart

Carrying around her little glass dick
You've been fucked up from the start

Money goes missing
And let me guess where it walked off to

And please don't get me started on the men
they're just as fucked up too

Fantasizing about a little girl
who still believes in fairy tales not knowing
all the villains who were about to invade in
her world
were right next to her disguised as a step dad

You still don't believe me about them

But why would you?
They would give you your fix
And even as I pulled at your hips

I was invisible

Just a mistake of a Jody
And you never forgot to remind me
Lie to me

About how fake your love is and how nothing
was above me but drugs and your money

The government has made my mother sick

You see
I don't blame the drug dealers for dealing the
drugs
The same reason you can't blame a tiger in
a Zoo for doing what it does

Best
And that's adapt to its environment
Trying to make it out the hood or Zoo
Which ever you'd like to all it

Hood and Zoo are synonymous
Caged in like animals waiting for a chance to
shoot down the 1st out of it

And like my poor mother I just have to sit
back and deal
Except the stereotypes and the urge to kill

Watch my own people be blinded
Over a story that's one sided

The survivors are the ones who write the
rules but only the Victors become the surviving tools

So my daughter will only have one set of grandparents and that's from her father

I've grown to learn that but not except it
My parents who weren't there for me are
gonna say fuck my kids
My mother with her "I'll be right backs" and my
father with his jail bids

This rock has ruined my life way before I even got here
what's worse to know is how my mother got here?

What spirits rattled her bones and caused
her to ache and pain
What was so traumatizing she decided to
throw it all away

The burning fire in her veins
Wanting it all to go away

I use to hear her scream in her sleep
Or maybe she was awake
Gotten to the point where she had all she
can take

So I faced my fears of darkness and
walked to her room
Only to see she wasn't alone

Just her and a burnt test tube
Yes
Chemistry was lacking in this date

But I've come to understand that it wasn't
my mothers fault

It was my grandmothers for never giving her a
whole heart

So what she had left didn't take much to break
My mother was already gone by the age of 8

And surprising 9 was when she made her
biggest mistake
In my life

She let me go and never thought twice

So I grew up without parents

I've waited 9 years 4 months and 14 days
To have my mother back again

But she never came

So here it is 2 months and 8 days later

I'm 18 years old and it's the night of my graduation

I forgive her
I forgive you

I want nothing more than a standing ovation
A massage for my broken body
And a prayer for my salvation

I'm graduating and I should feel like I accomplished
something
But I feel nothing
Like the empty bench where my family
is sitting

So I make the best of my situation
having to ignore my heart, that is aching

My love for my mother will never change
but I know nothing will ever be the same

I don't want to have to bury my mother
from ODing on some shit that she could of recovered

From

Explain to my daughter that her Grandmom was sick
That she'll never know what it's like to watch it

To watch someone die before your very eyes
Wanting to help them but you can't do anything but cry

One day
I hope she'll see the error in her ways
come to me for help, to chase the demons away

So, I'll be here
waiting ever so patiently
for the day my mother is free of her agony