Pain

When did the pain start?

No idea, my earliest memories are filled with pain.

From being alone so much I had difficulties pronouncing so many words growing up until school. Supportive parents might have noticed their child was not talking as much as others and was usually alone in the corner or under the table or chair.

They might have realized that laughing at him and calling his question the dumbest thing she ever heard when he asked how to play checkers was not great parenting, but hey what pre-kindergarten kid doesn't know how to read the rules or instinctively know how to play checkers right?

Maybe the pain started after that during the few years of being told I was not a real member of the family.
Perhaps it was when older siblings said someone threw me in the burn barrel late at night and the cops made them raise me.
Could it have been when asking one parent if that was true and the answer was laughter or the other parent refusing to answer?
Possibly being pushed down the stairs and told it was my fault for being dumb and ugly?
Wonder if older siblings showing love in such fantastic ways as throwing sticks, stones, corn cobs and actual cow shit could be a factor? Perhaps it was seeing your parents with other people before they split up for good.
That was a wonderful time.
Being told they wanted 2 boys and 2 girls but I had to come along and ruin their plans.
How dare I be the 4th child and be the 3rd boy?
They wanted a girl damn it!
One more child and thankfully for them it was a girl.
No more kids needed or wanted they had their 2 boys and 2 girls, oh and an extra unwanted boy as well.
Constantly being told they were not my real parents or that my dad was not my real dad and having names thrown at as my real dad or both parents.
The real dad thing still continues, even after his death several years ago.

One morning my mom woke us up and told us to get in the car. Next thing I knew we were in a new place and I was told that was home now. My fourth "home" in 4 years.

This was all before kindergarten...

Kindergarten.
Didn't see my dad for months or longer at a time for several years. Didn't see my mom for weeks in that same time. I asked for 1 thing for my birthday, just 1 thing. (Oddly my brother got a dinosaur model and I got nothing for my birthday). I really wanted a model T-rex like he had. So my mom bought me one. I was so happy for once, the first time in my life I can actually remember being happy. But when I opened the box the model was melted, completely worthless. Factory screw up. My mom refused to return it and get me one that was good. So much for being happy. Older sibling and his friends took me to a local store and stuffed merchandise in my shirt. I had no idea what was going on. They took off. Store security took me in the back and told me I was bad. I had no idea what was going on. For years I was told I was a rotten thief with no explanation as to why. It took several years before I figured out they were trying to use me to steal items and I was their scapegoat.

First grade.
Moved again a year or so after moving to the "new home", making it my fifth home from birth until first grade. Stayed in same apartment complex at least. Still no one my age to be friends. There one day I came home from school and my Christmas gifts and birthday gifts were gone. Only my few toys and clay were missing out of all of us kids. Turns out my mom gave my toys to her friend's kid. I ended up finding a toy stuffed bear at a local dump. That was my only plaything for over a year. Stayed in the area for kindergarten and first grade. Kept hearing about these evil men things that abused women and kids and took advantage of everything. My earliest memory of hearing that stuff was around first grade.

Sixth home.
Moved again. This time to another apartment complex from second through fifth grade. Dad came over more often for a while. Finally found a friend. Of course a week or 2 at a time went by without seeing my mom and longer periods without seeing my dad. Still being told I was not really a member of the family and not wanted. Spent most of my time hiding away at the river or in the woods. My little sister and I found some beer bottles in the creek someone had put there to stay cold. She took them. I gave them to my older siblings because it was wrong to take them. I got grounded. I was off school for being sick. Little sister bagged school and I got grounded for unlocking the door and letting her inside. Around my 4th grade birthday I bagged school and went to the river, alone, fishing until after midnight and walked home. Only a few miles. No one said anything about being gone all day.
Older people in the neighborhood supplied cigs, beer and pot. Must have been amusing as hell to get 3rd grader stoned...
One day that my now sister in law still laughs about but really hurt me at the time and still does, I was told since I was not wanted and not a real member of the family I should jump out of the window. So I started to, halfway out she saw me and started ridiculing me and laughing at me. About 4th grade at the time and thinking about suicide already. No one showed me how to interact with people properly. All I saw was lying, stealing and abuse.

4th grade beach trip.
One day we went to the beach. Happy day, at first. Digging in the sand with my one brother and older sister when they went back to the family without telling me. No biggie, except the family decided to move everything without me. I went back and they were all gone, I went to the car and found it and ran back to where our stuff was the first time, still couldn't find them. Found the people that were next to us, they told me my family packed their stuff up and looked like they headed towards the parking area. Running back to the car I did not see them, now getting frightened and started to run back to the beach. Luckily my brother's friend saw me and stopped me. Walked with her back to the beach and rejoined the family. My family didn't notice I was not there. First time at the beach is such a wonderful and loving memory. Second trip to the beach wasn't much better. This time my dad wasn't there, it was my mom's bf, Dave (a really nice guy actually). My parents had a lot of "friends" back then. Well anyway, my mom was packing stuff in the trunk of her car and somehow the keys to the car ended up missing. Called for help and the back seat was removed. Someone small was needed to crawl around in the trunk to look for the keys. Guess who had to do it. Me, locked trunk, 90plus degrees in the sun all day. Searched and searched, sweat dripping in to eyes and stinging the hell out of them. So thirsty and headachey. Asked to come out, got a quick rinse in the shower and a drink. I was told to get back in there and find the keys. I said my sister was smaller than I was and could fit in, my mom said no way was my sister going in that oven. I had to do it again. So I went back in there. I had already looked around, on and under everything I could move. Something told me to look inside stuff. Found the keys. IN my moms luggage. By now it was late so I couldn't get another rinse or drink. We ended up going to Slaughter Beach at low tide with the horseshoe crab migration on to the rocky sand beach. Got my toes wet and less than an hour later it was getting too dark so we went home. The evil men talk between my mom and her female friends continued, it was often better when I didn't see any of them for a week or 2.

6th grade, seventh home.
At least it had a creek right out back and woods around it. I stayed there most of the time. Still told I was an outsider and didn't belong. 6th grade I was invited to attend Special Interest classes for the gifted. One class was photography, I liked that. Used a 126 black and white camera.
Of course years later a sibling claimed I never did it and they were the one taking advanced classes and photography. After getting the gifted classes my mom told me not to make waves or a name for myself, never do better than others and fit in and don't show off by getting straight A's, no 100%s on tests, get wrong answers on purpose. Do not succeed is basically what was stressed to me repeatedly.
Got a bow and arrow set. Practiced with it. Older siblings of course showed their support by calling me a gay Robin Hood. 2 years at this home before moving again. Realized that I was going to grow up and be one of these "evil men things". Realized that mom and her friends were liars around the same time, related to each other? Not sure. Learned the Democrats lied about everything and didn't give a shit about the common person after hearing some talk with my mom. "The uneducated masses need us learned elite to tell them how to live their lives"-quote from a member of the state Democrat Party. These gems continued off and on for years. What so many people do not know is just how much racist remarks these Democrats spewed out as well as hate filled lies about those that disagreed with them. All in private of course. Heard one of these people say too bad Regan lived after he was shot. Such great, tolerant and loving people. 6th grade, failed my first dyslexic test. Started to read everything every day. Siblings called me a book worm, book smart and street stupid. If I didn't read constantly I would have difficulties in a few days of not reading. Parents were not going to help with it so I treated myself for my vision issues. Decades later I still have this problem. One positive thing happened the summer after 6th grade. My eyes finally opened and I realized that everyone that hurt me had some habits in common, maybe not every bad habit listed but at least 3 or 4 of them. Greedy, lying, thieving, smoking, drinking, drug using, unfaithful. I decided I did not want to be like the people I resented. I have not had a beer, cig or joint since that night.

Finally a house and not an apartment complex! 8th and 9th grade here. 9th grade was going well, had friends, found a quarry a few miles away to go fishing and swimming. Had an old bike I could ride around town. Could go to the small creek. Things were looking good finally! One morning with no warning at all. Pack your stuff we are moving. To TEXAS. One Ford Granada 4 door was going to fit everything my mom, sister and myself were taking. My mom said she was going to make me drive some of the trip if she got tired. I had never even started a car, let alone driven one.

Drove to Texas, crammed in the front seat of the Granada. Stopped in Virginia the first night. In Texarkana we spent one night at some lady my mom knew somehow. Spent one night in Texas, got breakfast the next morning and we went back to Pennsylvania. Reason for driving to Texas? Mom thought my brother was moving to Texas and she didn't want to live that far from him. Reason for returning to Pennsylvania? Depends on when you asked her and the company around. I heard with my own ears that "dirty Mexicans were staring at your sister". She told other people I had severe allergic reactions to Texas (funny I don't remember that and have been to Texas more than once with no problems). Real reason? Probably my brother stayed in Pennsylvania. Like I said, I was the unwanted boy. Mom moved in with my oldest brother, my sister and I moved in with our dad not far away. Weeks went by with out seeing my mom or hearing from her. Called one time, my sister in law answered and told my mom I was on the phone. Clear as can be my mom in the background "Well I can pretend I don't have kids", I hung up and never called again. Only started living with my mom again because my brother and dad made her get her own place and my dad didn't want us kids changing his lifestyle. This is how 10th grade started out.