Through the Pane

         A shadow passed over the sun as Kerry woke up to the day she had been dreading. She had been going through the motions now for the last two weeks, how many people had said to her 'I'm sorry to hear about your Dad', too many!
Caleb had been of no use whatsoever as usual, she was sure he was a mess because he was so upset, he'd seemed so distant on the phone. There just seemed to be no connection between them, but on reflection, had there ever been one. She was aware, as an adult that this wasn't his fault, but today the child within her was angry, she wanted him to reach out to her, to give her some answers.

She was having lunch with her friend Emma last week, Kerry tried to explain to her what her childhood was like, how different the relationships were between Kerry, Caleb and their Dad
'Caleb just doesn't understand, Dad always preferred him to me, he hated that I was a girl, because of Caleb, in dad's eyes I didn't exist'. Emma just said, 'perhaps you're misunderstanding this, you know what dads and sons are like, it doesn't mean he didn't care'. She was just so frustrated, the hours that Dad spent with Caleb, weekends away at games, parents' evenings that he never attended at her school but always did at Caleb's, were never far from her mind; there was no mistake she didn't exist, she wasn't a boy, she was a waste of space.

So, why would she want to go to his funeral today? Of course Caleb should be there, of course he'll say something, they were so close but what had she got to say, who was she to him, nobody. Would he even want her there? Kerry pondered as to whether she should ring Caleb again; it would help if she was sure he knew what the final plans were for the day.


         Caleb knew that today was going to be the shittiest day. Hell, he knew that the next couple of weeks were going to be some of the most gruelling times in his life. But despite all that, Caleb was feeling rather torn about the situation. In a way, he felt almost relieved about today. Because today was the day that Caleb got to bury his father. He rolls over to look at his phone, the bright glowing numbers on his digital clock reading out that it was 8:21am. He flips over the phone charging on the bedside table, the screen illuminating with missed calls from Kerry, his sister, along with a couple of texts and a voicemail.

         Not again, she's been driving me mental with all the calls lately...I can't really blame her though, she doesn't know everything. Then again... nobody does. Caleb sits up, the crust from a deep slumber picking at the corners of his eyes. The narrow slit of light cuts through the crooked blinds as the sun rises off the horizon. He checks back at the clock, now illuminating 8:22am. Still groggy from the night's slumber, he stumbles to the bathroom to start getting ready. As the cold water rushes from the shower head to awaken his senses, Caleb remembers that he has to speak at the funeral. Do I tell them? It's been the greatest question Caleb has continuously dodged his whole life. He's finally dead. He can't do anything to me. It was a mantra at this point as Caleb often had to say it to himself when he thought about his father. It was always something. The extra practices, the extra time away from family and friends, the extra workouts, the long nights. But Caleb couldn't do anything. He had to put on a brave face for his mom and Kerry, because he couldn't let anything happen to them. He could see the jealousy build in Kerry over the years. The slow tectonic shift as Kerry became more of an island with each passing recital, or teacher interview, or science fair, or whatever other club she joined. She could do no wrong, pleasing the man that she thought didn't love her. If only she knew.

         Stepping out of the shower, Caleb clears the foggy reflection slouching back at him. No I have to tell her, she deserves to know even if nobody else does. Whipping a towel around his waist, Caleb walks back to the bed and sits down, grabbing his phone off the bed side table. He dials Kerry, anxiously waiting for her voice to replace the rings.

"Hello?"

He freezes, not knowing where to begin.

"Hello?"

He can't seem to find any words to respond to her, his throat lumped by his own anxiety.

"Caleb? Is that you?"

He hangs up. He can't tell her, she'll never believe him. Looks like Dad wins again.

Kerry pondered! What was that about? Caleb had always been a mystery to her but since dad died his behaviour had bewildered her. She put it down to him coping with his forced absence in those last few weeks; the pain at not being able to be there at the end. Kerry wished she'd not had to be! Then, organising the funeral had been a nightmare without Caleb. Her feelings had risen against him as the days went by however much she tried to keep them down.

Now he'd rung her! What was left to say?
She picked up her phone, absently playing with the apps on her screen. Maybe it's important, I should call him back, but why, what will it achieve. Her eyes linked with her fingers and she dialled.

The ringing struggled to raise above the sound of the blood pounding through her ears, then that click! "Caleb, is that you?"

"Yes", came a shaky voice from the other end of the line.

"I think it's time we talked don't you?"

         Caleb froze. He could hear the intention in her voice was clear. She had something on her mind, and she would keep calling until he answered her. Persistent as ever, she was the same when we were kids.

         "Caleb you still there?"

         "Sorry , phone slipped I just got out of the shower, what's up sis?"

         Well, that's not a TOTAL lie, I did get out of the shower just a little while ago, but more like my mind was too busy working with worn out coping mechanisms for me to respond.

         "Why did you call just now? Everything alright?"

         Deflect it. She doesn't need to know, not now anyway.

         "Yeah I was just calling to see how you were holding up. I know that today is going to be draining."

         "Are you sure that's all? I've been trying to call you for days now! I know you're taking Dad's death pretty hard, and I want you to talk to me Caleb. I haven't heard anything out of you since he passed."

         She was right, he didn't talk to anyone when Dad died. What was he going to say? That he was glad dad was dead? That dad was no better than the strangers in white vans with candy that they always warned you about as a child? That he finally felt free for the first time in his life?

         "I know I know, I guess I just needed space for a while. I didn't need to have people trying to console me. I didn't want to hear all of their 'I'm so sorry' lines to just hear them again at the funeral. I had to go through my own grieving first."
         If you call drinking until you can't see straight and having a string of one nighters "grieving". Kerry's sigh snaps Caleb back from reminiscing to the conversation.

         "Everybody is grieving Caleb. We need to have each other's support. We don't need to suffer alone. You can talk to me about anything. It doesn't even have to be about dad, but I miss you, and I need to make sure my twin is doing ok. You're right, today will be draining. But we need to support each other through it."

         Kerry....I'm so sorry. You don't know what's going on but you're already helping me tremendously. I can't tell you yet, but maybe when the time is right I will tell you, after all you're the one that deserves to know the most.

         "You're right. But I should finish getting ready first, have to leave soon if I want to make it on time. I'll see you at the funeral yeah?"

         Another lie.

         "Ok. See you later Caleb."

         The phone clicks as Kerry hangs up the phone. Caleb tosses his phone into the gentle caress of the hotel pillow. Looking back out the window he can see the airport, with planes coming and going like a choreographed ballet. Suddenly, he hears the gentle knocks as rain begins to come down. They glide over the window, leaving trails of despair as they cling to the pane, desperate not to fall any lower. He looks back to see the suit he laid out on the other bed, neatly creased and void of any wrinkles. Black shirt with a black tie sitting gingerly atop. His pants and jacket beside them, both the same jet black as the other clothes, with his socks and shoes following suit.

         On the floor next to the bed was Caleb's bag, already packed for his flight. He gets dressed, and quickly scans the room for anything he may have left behind. He sets his key card down on the desk and sets for the door. Leaving the room, he takes one last look back out the window before letting the door gently close behind him.

         Goodbye, Kerry.