Last Year in the City

One Sunday Afternoon in the Park (06/18/xxxx):

I was feeling unusually stressed this week so I decided to take a walk in the park. When living in the city it’s almost impossible to escape the feeling of being watched all the time. Whenever I get really fed up with it I find the park somewhat freeing. Of course on the weekend the park is usually always crowded. I’m not the only one with this idea. The park is the only public place I know of with the least amount of cameras. But of course that doesn’t mean we’re still not being monitored.

Every time I walk through the park I’m subconsciously looking at everyone else at the park. Of course I try and steer clear of the law officials patrolling the area but I’m more worried about whistle blowers. You can never really spot them in a crowd and you never know who they’re spying on. Who could do that job? Sometimes I like to fantasize about finding one and calling them a snitch. But of course I would never do that. That would be social suicide with people banging down my door within the hour.

The best I ever get to being rebellious is walking very close to the dead spot. No cameras exist there at all. Sometimes I wish I could just see what it looks like in there, like somehow it must look any different from the rest of the park. But if you’re smart you don’t go there. They always make places like that to catch people trying to hide things. I never know if the people I do see going in there are whistle blowers, regular citizens, or people trying to hide something. But who isn’t hiding something. I guess that’s just a funny part of society. You’re either being watched by cameras or by whistle blowers but always being watched and messed with.

It’s What I Do in the Middle of the Night (06/30/xxxx):

I once again needed a dance party. I was trying to go to sleep but couldn’t so why waste the night? It’s basically the only time I can feel comfortable in my own home. Living in an apartment in the city you’re almost guaranteed being watched. I see the cameras on the building across from mine. At least I’m on the third floor. I’m sure the first floor is the worst. Every time I accidently make eye contact with a camera I avert my eyes on reflex. It’s not like I’m not allowed to know the location of the cameras but looking at them gives me the creepy feeling of staring someone right in the eye and they never look away. I can’t remember the last time I drew my curtains for an entire day.
Some days I want to just board up my windows and live in seclusion, another great way to have them bust down my door. It’s funny how all these seemingly innocuous things will have them busting down my door but things I do like tonight they don’t even know about. The only time I can close my curtains without suspicion of doing something shady is at night when I go to bed. That is when the dance party begins. Get the booze, get my favorite headphones, put on my favorite dance tunes and dance around my place in the dark. New record! I only bumped into five things.

The Night I Don’t Understand (07/9/xxxx):

I had just finished a dance party and was going to go to bed when I thought I heard people talking outside. I was very careful to shift my curtains as little as possible when trying to peek outside. Nothing as suspicious as being awake when you shouldn’t and spying outside. But of course like an idiot I was curious, nothing interesting ever happens and it was strange. I saw two people talking to one another across the street. It didn’t look all that shady but I’m not sure I would know what shady looked like at this point given my current position. And if you were going to do something shady you shouldn’t do it outside at night where cameras can see you. Then again it could have been whistle blowers. But if it wasn’t then I guess this is the safest time when whistle blowers wouldn’t see you. But the cameras are always watching you. But then again…can a person see everything that the camera catches if they aren’t looking for it. Maybe this is how shady things go down, or maybe this is how you achieve some privacy. Well maybe not but I know I’m too coward to try (don’t cause trouble for yourself for no reason). They talked for a while and it was getting boring but just as I was about to stop watching they seemed to be done.

One crossed the street to my side and I lost sight of them and the other started walking down the street away from my building. I kept watching until I lost sight of the one walking down the street. As I was getting under my covers I heard someone messing with the door of the apartment next to me. Brian was one of the people talking outside all shady style! What did this mean?! Was Brian a whistle blower, a trouble maker, or an idiot?! Brian of all people what the hell!!!!

What I Wish I Could Forget (07/10/xxxx):

So last night was the worst sleep I have ever gotten. I still have no idea what to make out of what happened last night. I don’t know him all that well but that hardly means anything, nobody really connects with people. After I learned about whistle blowers I barely share anything personal with anyone and that includes my family. But that’s more because my parents don’t know when enough is too much when it comes to sharing information.

I mean that movie Watching I saw last year ruined all relationships for me. I mean that was like my worst nightmare, having the friend you knew all your life turn you in because of ONE little mistake. I mean my goodness after that who needs friends anymore, not me, that’s for sure.

Anyways back on topic I don’t know what is going on with Brian but I’m definitely going to be more careful around him. Even on the off chance he is just an idiot who doesn’t understand the need for privacy I don’t want to get dragged down with him.

Doing Something I Wasn’t Supposed to (07/22/xxxx):

Okay I’m not sure I’ve ever screwed up as much as today. I was in my room reading a book because after the thing with Brian going outside and acting innocent for the cameras just seemed exhausting today. Clearly I was wrong in so many ways that I wish I could go back in time and kick myself out of my place.

It was while I was reading that I heard them, footsteps, multiple footsteps from multiple feet. That was the first warning I ignored. They started knocking on several of the doors on my floor. They were so fast that when they got to my door I couldn’t process what was happening and stood completely still on my bed. The first thing that popped into my mind was how happy I was that there were no windows in my bedroom, which was funny considering how angry I was when I first moved in. They knocked on my door and asked if anyone was home and they didn’t need to identify themselves. I knew who they were which made me even more terrified to come to the door. But I knew I needed to but my body was frozen in absolute terror my mind racing so fast that there was no room to think about moving. After a while he assumed I was out and told his fellow partners the same. At that point I assumed they would kick down the door barge in and see me motionless on my bed.

Instead I heard Brain’s door open and all the footsteps follow into his apartment. I only relaxed for a moment until I heard loud crashes and things being forcefully and efficiently moved. They were trashing his place. But why?! Was he actually a criminal?! What did he do?!

They searched through his place for hours until they left while I was paralyzed on my bed. If they ever found out I didn’t answer my door they would do the same to me. Not answering the door to them when your home is just as bad as getting caught by a whistle blower or whatever Brian did, if they catch me. The worst part is I knew I should have moved but it happened so fast. But what else was I supposed to do? Come out of my apartment while they were trashing his place and say “sorry I was in the shower. Did you knock?” Like that wouldn’t get me into just as much trouble.

But the hardest part of that day happened an hour after they left. I was still sitting on my bed my mind racing about so many things when Brain came home. He walked into his place, took in his surroundings. I could hear him digging through the carnage mumbling something to himself. But then he came out of his place knocking on our neighbor’s doors asking if anybody knew what happened or who did this. When he got to my door I continued to stay on my bed as he kept calling, “Alice? Alice? Are you there? Alice? Hey Alice”

I pretended not to be home twice in one day. Go figures.

A Time Someone Said No (10/12/xxxx):

It finally happened. I haven’t written for a while but I think writing it out might help. Brian is gone. I don’t know where he went or when it really happened but it’s been at least a week since he’s lived there. No one lives there now. I don’t know what happened to him or what he did. But ever since I’ve been worrying about them finding out I broke the rules that day on my bed. Its been a while and nothing has happened but that doesn’t necessarily mean it won’t soon. I think this in a way was a sign. I’ve decided to move out of the city, somewhere where I can
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