How It Feels

In this age of open letters, expression of opinions; you can say this is one more addition to those articles. I am not going to give advice on how to love yourself, value yourself, respect yourself, etc. I am writing because I want to share how it feels to be one of those who inspite of knowing all the "gyaan" (wisdom) still fails to be "strong".

When I searched online if there are others like me, I could only find articles related to self help. There were hardly any which mentioned how it feels to be "down there", how the change takes time to occur, how frustrating the journey can be, how we fail more than once. Call my article a tool of self-pity, if you may. For me, it is a form of expression of my feelings.

I have always considered myself to be this strong girl who can face any obstacle, an achiever who gets what she sets her heart upon, who is capable of hiding her pain and healing herself. My achievements in life are evidences to these. But guess what, this strong girl consistently fails in her relationships. She allows herself to become so weak that she can substitute for a top quality doormat!

I don't want those motivational statements saying "only you can help yourself", "you need to be patient", "you deserve someone better", "be positive" because I already know all this. Do you realize how frustrating it is that knowing everything; you still are unable to control your actions? You read all those inspirational quotes, watch motivational videos, read self-help books, talk to friends, do things you like, exercise, even seek professional help, yet you find yourself back to square one! How does that sound? Now imagine how does it feel when it happens over and over again? You have been through so much that you actually start thinking: Have I started finding comfort in misery?

It feels something like this - There's this deep pit from which you have just come out. You think you have done a marvelous job of climbing out of it. You feel the warm sunshine on your skin. You feel ecstatic that you are finally out and can't wait to resume your journey. You take just a few steps and suddenly trip. You realize you are about to fall back into the pit and hold on to whatever you can to protect yourself. Unfortunately, what you are holding on to is loose and will give way very soon. You are completely aware of this, but have no faith in yourself that if only you let go, you can actually stay where you are and gradually be able to crawl out of that spot. There is so much confusion and fear that it completely clouds rational thinking. Ultimately, you fall again. It is very dark, suffocating and lonely down there. It's not like we don't want to come out, we totally do. We too want to experience freedom; just that we are finding it difficult to locate a foothold. Sometimes, we get so dejected that we just sit in that pit and refuse to even search for a foothold.

I am not preaching self-pity here. The above phase is just temporary. Our tiny voice inside us has not lost its strength, though it may sound a little tired. It is here we need the maximum support, understanding and encouragement. We know we lack faith in ourselves. For this flaw, please don't abandon us or pity us. We don't know how long it will take us to find our way up but we will eventually get there. We cannot get rid of this flaw overnight and cannot promise we won't fall again but we are trying. Yes, we need to seek internal validation but till we reach there, the external validation works as a miracle for us. We are completely aware that we are going in circles but please bear with us till we find a foothold. Just like you, we too are frustrated of indulging in self-pity, negativity, sadness, depression, suffocation and misery. You can turn your back and go away but how do we run away from our own selves?

You think our lives are so damn depressing, right? Well, let me tell you the good news. We may fall again and again but the duration that we stay there reduces with time. For some the process is quick, while some others take a lot of time to become aware, to understand the red flags, to control the mind and finally become strong enough to take action. The important point is - we have not yet given up!

BBK