Strange Fruit Salad

Strange Fruit Salad  (E) Writer's Cramp Entry Due January 8, 2017 -Speculative fiction/Comedy #2107913 by Chris Breva

730 words

I was in the Spend - It - All supermarket one day doing my grocery shopping. Being a glutton for punishment I always went there to shop. I loved their extortionists prices and their poor quality products. My family hated them but that was alright with me. I didn't really like my family anyway. I mean I had to love them. They were family but I didn't like them.

I was hungry for some citrus products so I went to the fruit section to see what was available. Lo and behold the fruits they had were more than merely exotic. They were down right strange! Why they had such oddities as red bananas, orange grapes, silver cherries, black apples, maroon pineapples, and purple oranges. I couldn't resist giving them all a try. In fact I was going to use them to make the strangest fruit salad my family had ever eaten. So I bought several containers of each and took them home. When I arrived I asked my dead beat son to carry the groceries in. "Oh Mom," he complained. "I'm playing Attack of the Idiots on my computer."

"I really don't care what you're doing," his nearly as useless father replied. "You get out there and help your mother carry those groceries in so I don't have to, You know me and my back!"

"Yes Dad," Milbourne replied "we know you scraped it on the table two months ago and you're probably going to cry yourself to death over it. I'll go carry the groceries in. I wouldn't want you to strain your scratches. They may start bleeding!"

Satisfied that I may actually get a little cooperation from Milbourne I went to the kitchen to prepare the pantry. Soon the groceries were all carried in, thanks in part to Milbourne carrying one bag and my carrying the remaining bags. Once they were in the kitchen I began putting them away as the dopey twins (my husband and son) stood watching me. "Oh," I told them "I've got a special treat in store for you both. I'm calling it strange fruit salad. Wait until you see the ingredients!"

"Anything you cook is strange," said my husband Terry. "So whatever you have in store, I'm sure we don't want!"

"Thank you for the vote of confidence and your always loving support," I retorted. "I think you'll really like this though. If you do I'll make more of it."

What he didn't know was that I'd make more of it whether he liked it or not. He could either eat it or start losing his excessive abdomen. I really didn't care which.

"Here are the ingredients," I said as I began pulling the strange fruit out of the bag.

"It will have purple oranges, white pears, red bananas, silver cherries, orange grapes, black apples, maroon pineapple, and yellow watermelon. Doesn't that sound delicious?"

"I have to give you credit," Terry replied, "because you were right about one thing. It certainly is strange. Strange enough that Milbourne can have my serving!"

"Touche Dad," Milbourne replied. "I was going to give you mine and go eat the dog food."

"Come on you two," I said. "How do you know you're going to hate it before you even try it?"

"Mom," Milbourne said. "I can give you two very good reasons why I'm not going to try it. They're fear and common sense."

"Well I always knew you had plenty of fear in you," Terry told him. "The common sense is a new one on me though!"

"Would you like to step outside Old Man," Milbourne asked his dad teasingly. "I think I could whip you in a fair fight."

"The only way a fight between us would be fair is if I had two broken legs, a broken back, and was either blind or blindfolded," Terry replied.

"Well you two scram while I start dinner," I told my worthless loved ones.

It didn't take me long to have dinner prepared. I cut up the fruit and put it in the biggest bowl I had. When the last of it was in the bowl I stirred it all together. Then I called the two knuckleheads to come to dinner. I served them each a huge bowl of my strange fruit salad. "Where did Shaggy hide his dog food bowl," Terry asked. "I'll split it with you son!"