Fight with Myself

Fight with Myself

Chapter One

    It's a dark night where the sky has no star to shine, street lights are flickering and the dogs are barking. I can hear some sort of bell ringing, something like an ice cream tri-cycle. What the heck is the ice cream guy doing at this time. In the background I can hear a loud cry of a dog, it might be calling all the other dogs or have it seen something unusual. These dogs get the heart out of my mouth. The wall clock is singing at very low as the light. The bell hits twice time is 2AM now.
   I need to sleep at this time. why am I thinking all this? I was on my bed rolled between blankets. It was very cold.  I am trying to find something in the dark where I can see and feel only emptiness. I was staring at nothing out of my blanket. My heart is pounding with the desire to reach him. Thoughts in my mind are flooding about him.  I was not able to control my mind. Am I mentally sick?
   I want to know what he is thing about our relation, about me.  I want to know why the hell he is getting detached from me mentally and physically. Why is he asking me do yoga and meditate to get detached from all the emotions that are making me feel sad and lonely? He wants me to be happy without thinking about him. His thoughts give me smile, makes me happy but at the same time they give me pain. Why can't I resist myself about him, his thoughts? Why all these thoughts are eating my brain? Does he really miss me? Does he ever thing about me? Does he fell the same way about me like he used to 6 months back? I don't want this shit to happen to me.
 AAAAAaaaaaaaa......... (a loud mind cry)
 Why??
 Why only me??
   With all these things in my brain, which never stop haunting me I took out my stole and came out of my house to talk to him, actually to fight with him. I want to make clear all my doubt. Can I call it a doubt or it is something else, something I want to express myself which I haven't done from long. Am I trying to feel him like hell?
   I was so scared to move out. This is not because of darkness, it's because of dogs. I took a deep breath and started to walk all the way in the lane. I thought of taking a back route instead going in the regular way as this will allow me to reach his house soon.
  I want to make it really quick and really slow. There is a house, which will give a small route through their garden to the other lane. To my fear of dogs there are nearly five dogs in this lane. I need move to the second lane to meet him. I was walking over the street which have very big houses. All these houses dark and very silent almost all the day, have at least a single dog. I have never seen a single person in few houses apart from the dogs. I have reached the beginning of the street (as I started at the end of my lane).
  The first house in the third lane has two dogs which never sleep. They generally put their head out of the grills on the stairs and bark at every one who is moving on the lane. I hope they will not bark at me. Nooo Shit!!! they started barking at me.  All the other dogs started coming towards me, they could be thinking I am thief. I am scared. I grabbed some stones from the road side and looking at the dogs, I can see a man from long, he is the one who sells the ice creams in the after noon's. what is he doing at this time? whatever he is here to save me from these dogs. I was trying to stop the dogs by showing the stones in my hand and looking at the man there. I saw he is coming towards me, will he help me or help me and take advantage of this?
  Noooooo ... it should not happen that way .... Please God ... he came to me, slowed his tri-cycle looking all around, he took out a stick, why the hell is the stick with him? He gave me the stick, smiled at me and left the place.
  What!!!!!
  What just happened? He smiled at me??
  OMG!!! I need to do something. I started to throw the stones, stick at the dogs and stared running towards my house. these dogs at after me. I need to cross another 3 housed to reach mine. I thought of jumping into any of the house to save my self ....
 I was running ... running ...
 There was a sound in the back ground ... that was getting louder and closed. Shit it's my phone !! its him over the  call!!
 What am I dreaming all this time? hell man ....
  Hellooo, in his normal, calm, soothing way. you are still sleeping ??Do you know the time? Its 11:30 AM. Get up!!
In a sleepy tone I said Hello ... I don't know why I am still sleeping. He is badly upset with me. I can feel that in his breath. I know I am giving him a hard time, but I was not able to get this thought out of me whatever I do he is there in my thoughts and in my mind.
  Even I my dream I was trying to reach him. but I failed. why did I return back to home when dogs are after me? why did I not go to his house? Is this an indication showing that I cannot reach him in my real life? OMG, this is giving me a pain.
   If he is in his normal mood he would yell at me, for my irresponsible way of life, I need to make him calm, say sorry which will never make him normal. It will be very tough to convince him. His upset and anger may continue till the end of day, and could become normal only if I have my food and meditation done in the correct way. It's hard some times its scary too, but it's beautiful. I can feel the love he is showering on me.
 But being or trying to detached from all the relations, he is calm and said it's up to you. I want my guy back. I don't want someone like this. I am addicted to the old one.
  He said he get up ... get ready to office and eat something. the other day in my life started with this drama or dream. thinking about the dream, my life and my relation I was in to the cab to reach the office.
  I was so silent thinking about him. I want to call him and talk to him. I want to yell at him, cry and I want to get rid of this pain. But I am scared. what if he does not react at all, and say his regular words like don't think of me. How can I do that. Can I do that.
  No I am NOT going to call him till he calls me.
  It's almost evening 6PM. I did not get even a single message or call. Is he so busy? Or he forgot me? why can't I call him. I took my phone to call him but thought of sending him a message
   Hey call me once your free ... I need to speak to you ... I miss you so much
I cleared the message and kept the phone a side... let him do the first. No baby... you can wait till night. Why my heart is so heavy ? why do my eyes become wet when I think about him ? why do people feel like time will heal the pain in heart which is not happening with me . How many more day I need to cry? why the tears are involuntary?
  Is this same with everyone in love, or is this only with me? With all these going in my mind my manager interpreted me .He is watching me from the morning . i was siting and looking deep in to the screen and doing nothing . He asked me what have you done for the . i don't have any answer because i haven't done any thing . but for the people like me who moved to a new project its easy to cove up . 
 Ahh... I was reading all the documents and analysing the previous issues. I hope he will get satisfied with this. I wish he will not ask me any thing apart from that . 
 Ummuhhh .... ok go a head ... 
 Thank god .. he left .
 I need to refer some document he might drop a bomb  over me setting a meting . lets do that tomorrow , today I am exhausted completely . I don't want to think about any one right now ... I need a break.