The Legend of Team Jade Part 1

“I shall tell you a story of a realm that I will never forget. A world where rules are just a mirage, and boundaries are all an apparition. A land where violence is a virtue, where war never ends.” ~Jason

CHAPTER 1: THE VERGE OF HISTORY

It was just another slow Tuesday in the Summer of ‘14, or was it? The dragonborn, in all of his arrogance, was boasting about his “skills” again. How is this any different from the dragonborn’s usual attitude you ask? Well, it isn’t. So shut the fuck up and let me tell the story faggot. As I was saying… The Dovahkiin was getting in on yet another tournament, hosted by the duck fuckboy himself, ZeRo_Skillz. Dovah was just telling all of the newbies stories about all the ass kickings he had handed out in the past, when a new challenger approaches. His name was Tabuu, the commander of the 2nd H.A.P.P.Y Bathtub Squadron. “So you think you’re the very best, like no one ever was? Well you’re about to get Friendzoned!” howled Tabuu. “Fuck off m8, master Dovahkiin’s about to drive a pylon up your ass!” screamed Dovah in his pre-pubescent COD squeaker voice. “Fine then! WE’LL SETTLE IT IN SMASH!” screeched Tabuu in Xander Mobus’ voice. Tabuu chucked his Nintendo 3DS XL onto the ground in rage, and then he realized, “Oh shit, that’s not how we smash.” Suddenly, a voice came over a loudspeaker that could probably be heard from the ISIS headquarters. “It’s time for the first weekly tournament to begin! The first challengers will be itsRobster vs. XKrogan!” The voice said, Krogan and Rob stepped up to the arena, Rob threw out a large obese Espeon and Krogan chucked his Moon Balls everywhere, they went bouncing off walls and one landed in ZeRo’s big mouth. Suddenly, a huge creature about 12 times the size of the World Trade Center fell out of one of the balls. It was the thing that gave everyone tuskticuluar cancer.

The massive creature that emerged was not a dragon, but an ENORMOUS mammoth that gave everyone the chills. The AntiSalemenceDestroyer was ready to absorb everything, it rampidly sprinted towards the poor Espeon who made a failed attempt to use focus blast before being obliterated but the mammoth’s massive weight. The Mamoswine leaped into the air, landing hard on top of Rob’s next pokemon, a less than mediocre Gyarados, who’s best move was bite, to this day we have no idea how that Mamoswine was able to ascend that high… “The next battle will be Dovahkiin1758 vs. Tabuu413! Let the odds be ever in your favor!” Yelled ZeRo, trying to make his voice sound deeper, minus that fact that he still sounded like a baby parrot. Dovah threw his Charizard at Tabuu, who reflected it with his forehead. Tabuu casually threw out his Magnezone, who immediately let off a discharge before the overrated flying type could do anything. After about 30 seconds of battling, Dovah realized that he did not live up to the expectations he thought he did. He had lost. “The next battle will be Tabuu413 vs. XKrogan for the championship match!” Screeched ZeRo, now sounding about equivalent to that of a squeaking bus tire. To cut a long story short, Tabuu and his Magnezone were no match for XKrogan and The Glorious Booty Crusher. No wonder Tabuu lost, his Magnezone’s level rolled back… again.

A FEW DAYS LATER…

“We must become entrepreneurs.” Dovah said to ZeRo, “We shall build a shop!” Off in the distance there was a derpy Riolu frolicing through the plains, he overheard Dovah’s extremely squeaky mouse voice and had to see what was going on, it sounded like someone was getting raped. He wanted in. Soon the basic frame of a shop was built and they were selling a few items, however nothing was really making much profit…

“Uncle Jason this story is dumb!” Yelled Tyler’s daughter, who which Jason was telling this tale to, “Tell me a cooler story!” “But if I were to get farther into the story now, we would miss out on the important parts.” Jason responded. “I would rather hear the exciting stuff rather than whatever it is you’re telling me!” Tyler’s daughter responded with sass. “You’re such a bitch!” Tyler yelled from outside the room. “Ok, fine. I shall tell you the Legend of Team Jade, a great, and true story of how my friends and I teamed up to save the world!” Jason said. “As long as it’s not boring I’m all ears.” Tyler’s daughter said obnoxiously.



CHAPTER 2: THE THREAT OF SILENCE

Our story opens atop a large stone tower. Jason and Tyler stood valiantly, on the roof of the Team Jade Headquarters, watching for any signs of mischief within the city of Lumiose. “Nothing much is going on tonight… I was really hoping to kick some Team Rocket ass.” Tyler said, sitting down on the edge of the building. “We haven’t had a good battle in a while, the building across the street still hasn’t been claimed by anyone yet either.” Jason responded. “Are you feeling any strong winds?” Tyler asked. “Now that you mention it, yeah. Maybe a storm is coming?” Jason said, turning around, “Wait… Dylan are you messing with us again?”, looking up to see a windmill spinning like a helicopter ruter above them. “No, I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Dylan said, exiting his windmill form, and landing on ground below him. “Who even gave you the power to be a flying windmill anyway?” mocked Tyler. “Me!” Said Blaise, coming out of the rooftop elevator, dripping wet. “Blaise, were you prancing through the sewers again?” Jason asked him. “No…” Blaise responded. “EW! Yes you we’re, you smell like Connor’s attic!” Tyler yelled, waving his hand in front of his face to indicate that it smelled bad. “HEY! MY ATTIC DOESN’T SMELL THAT BAD!” Connor yelled angrily from his office window. “Yes it does, I know from experience!” Mike screeched out of another window... “Ya’ know what?” Blaise said, “Fine. I’m leaving for the night, goodnight everyone!” Blaise took out his magic clarinet and began to play an odd rhythm. Then, as if from out of nowhere, his majestic steed, Yukon appeared and Blaise rode him off into the distance.

It was late at night, Tyler looked out the window and saw a crazy baboon fapping in the street. Upon seeing this spectacular sight, he suicidally jumped out of the window, and landed in a pond. Although he was very disappointed, he went to investigate the baboon occurrence. As he got closer he began to hear furious hootings and moans coming from the baboon, he recognized them as Vic’s. How did he know this you ask? Well you fucking perverted asswipes, Vic used the same moans and hootings when she was doing hardcore yoga in the Team Jade basement. “Vic? WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING YOU GODDAMN ONION STEALER?!?” asked Tyler. “Defying the streets of Lumiose, what else?” replied Vic. “Well.. uhh… I thought you were a fapping baboon to be honest,” said Tyler, “You’re just so hairy and you sound like a dying Clefairy.” “You should be a wrapper!” Vic said. “You mean like, a singer kind of rapper?” Tyler responded. “Nope! I mean a candy kind of wrapper!” Vic yelled excitedly… Why was she so excited at 4 in the morning? Who knows - it’s Vic. “If I give you this ticket to a cruise will you stop fapping in the street, Vic?” Tyler asked. “Oh! Cruise?! GIMME!” Vic screamed. “...You’re hopeless, I’m going back to bed.” Tyler said blankly. “Ok!” Bye bye, Ty Ty!” Vic yelled after him. “Stop calling me that.” Tyler mumbled, too tired to be audible. “Hey, What’s that?” Vic said to herself. Running over to a shiny object on the street. “Ew, this looks like something Jason would carry around. BOOOOOORING!” She said obnoxiously, throwing it back on the ground…





PARALOGUE 1: SICKLE TO SWORD


A man, a wanted man, sat in a room. He was completely isolated, other than the small clock ticking away in the adjacent corner. His large, leathery hands lay on the solid, wooden handles of his special chair. He stared at nothing, lost deep in the void of thought. He sat thinking about why he had chosen this path, why he accepted that first job, why he had thrown away his phD in towel folding in which he had worked so very laboriously to earn. He had agreed to one job, he had thought it would be his only job, but now he was a hardened criminal. Where had the time gone? One second he was a 15 year old, towel folding prodigy, and the next he was a highly skilled, 16 year old mafia elite. Fletcher Romanant, the man of one thousand tampons. His next job, was to find a boat, far out in the Mayonnaise Ocean. There was a contract on a woman… D-Do we call her a woman? Like does she qualify to be a “woman”? Whatever, this was his destiny; to kill this woman on board and any accomplices. Fletcher did not know what he was getting himself into, he THOUGHT he was ready for anything… But was he really?


CHAPTER 3: INSIGNIFICANT HOMICIDE

“Why do you keep contradicting yourself Uncle? Also why are you talking in third person? You sound like a fucking idiot!” So, Tyler climbed the Team Jade tower.. “How did he climb the tower?” She interrupted. ”He used the stairs... Now where was I? Oh yes, so he walked back to the tower… *insert flashback transition* Tyler returned to his office after his awkward, but luckily short encounter with Vic. As Tyler was groggily shuffling up the steps, a small, sharp looking object hurtled down from a higher floor. It passed the window that Tyler was walking by, which caused him to fall down the steps from sudden shock. Blaise really needed to fix his Moonstone turret system. The moonstone continued to fall at the speed of moon, eventually striking a helpless Riolu square in the head, that just happened to be prancing like an idiot, passed the tower. Tyler was suddenly wide awake once he hit the last stair, he ran outside of the tower once more, to see what had caused him to gain a lump on his head, only to see an unconscious Riolu. Tyler examined the strange creature and discovered a bloody moonstone lodged in it’s cranium. “Blaise is gonna want this!” Tyler exclaimed, ripping the bloody rock out of it’s head. Tyler took out his iPhone 28, which was about 2 feet taller than him (Thanks, Apple.) he began to type the numbers of Jason’s phone into his own. “What, Tyler?” Jason answered. “I need you to get the janitor, there’s a dead carcass of a Riolu outside.” Tyler responded. “Mike is sleeping on his desk right now, can’t we wait till he wakes up so we don’t have to deal with the equivalent of an Anger Point Tauros?” Jason asked. “Why is he sleeping on his desk?” Tyler inquired. “Because there is no computer to inhabit the space, duh.” Jason said, mocking Mike’s misfortune. “But it’s 3:00 in the afternoon, does this kid ever wake up?!” Tyler yelled. “When there’s a computer on that desk, maybe.” Jason reiterated. “Bleh, we need to get rid of this thing. Should I drag it into the woods? Feed it to Vic? What?” Tyler asked.




CHAPTER 4: INCURSION

The sun rose on the next day, it seemed like Connor was up early. “CONNOR!” Jason yelled angrily. “What did he do this time?” Tyler asked, peeking through the door after hearing him yell. “The little shithead poured all the marinara sauce on the floor,” Jason exclaimed, “why do we let him into the kitchen again? It’s not like he can cook anyway.” “You know what… I really don’t know, maybe we need to baby proof that room as well,” Tyler teased, “why do we need all this marinara sauce anyway?” “Dylan is making something that requires a LOT of it.” Jason responded. Suddenly, a whirl of wind appeared, and there stood Dylan when it cleared. “We’ve got trouble!” Dylan said. “What do you mean?” Tyler asked. “T-t-team Rocket is invading!” Dylan yelled. “Damn it! I should have known this was going to happen, last night was WAY too quiet!” Jason yelled, grabbing a sword from the rack and leaving the room. “Let’s go!” Tyler said, unsheathing his legendary dagger, Astra, and running out of the room. As Connor exited the kitchen he saw everyone taking up arms, suddenly he was very excited and had a craving for blood, he grabbed his sword and put on his Team Jade Green Armor© and rushed out the door.

It was a cold, unforgiving night in Lumiose City, the wind whipped at the Team Jade member’s faces as they strutted heroically out the door to protect their city from the Team Rocket menace. “Look!” yelled Vic, “It’s a parade!” “Right… a parade… of artillery and foot soldiers.” replied Jason, fairly upset with her. “Yeah, let’s show them our float!” yelled Tyler with confidence as he jumped into the Certified Team Jade All Terrain Tank©. “Connor! Load the shells!” ordered Tyler. “Aye aye captain!” replied Connor as he frolicked up to the tank and loaded the artillery shell. “All set!” he yelled to Tyler. “FORE!” screeched Tyler as he unleashed Hell upon Team Rocket’s left front. Jason ran off to the right side of the town square, mowing down a few Rocket grunts in his path until he stumbled upon that shiny object that Vic tossed aside before, due to his family’s hereditary obsession with picking up random things on the ground that could be worth something, he pocketed the amulet and kept moving. Soon, a thick fog appeared, and Vic strutted out. She picked up a microphone and began to sing Firework as artillery shells exploded behind her and blood curdling screams cut through the air. In all of the chaos, Giovanni’s persian stealthily grabbed Jason by the scarf and pulled him into Giovanni’s helicopter. Connor looked up at the sky and saw Giovanni flying away but thought nothing of it, he continued to load the final shell into the tank. “Load another one!” ordered Tyler. “I can’t! We’re out!” replied Connor. “Damn,” mumbled Tyler, “We’re gonna have to take them on through melee!” Tyler jumped out of his tank and charged the nearest Team Rocket grunt, “I choose you Growlithe!” yelled the grunt as he threw his pokeball. “I may not have a pokemon, but I have a Vic!” yelled Tyler in response. *pokemon battle (villager edition) music que* Vic used bite! Growlithe received rabies! “Hah, should’ve gotten your vaccinations!” mocked Tyler! Growlithe used leer! Vic’s stats were not lowered due to the absent minded ability! “Use lick Vic!” commanded Tyler. Vic used lick! Growlithe fainted! Vic gained 23 experience points! “Aww shucks, you’ve gone and beaten me! Guess I’ll just have to retreat…” sighed the grunt. “OH, HEEEEEEEELL NO!” screamed Connor smashing a giant boulder over the grunts head, killing him instantly. Connor gained 47 experience points, and grew to level 2! “Umm.. Was that necessary?” asked Tyler. “President Clump ordered us to take no survivors,” replied Connor. “Oh yeah,” said Tyler, “Well, you know what they say. You can’t spell slaughter without laughter! Heh.. Heh.. HEH!” laughed Tyler, maniacally. Then, a battle preparations menu appeared, Connor quickly started inputting commands into it, suddenly he noticed Jason wasn’t available on the unit list “Shit, Um.. Tyler?” Connor said, “Jason’s not available.” “Well we’re gonna have to find out why later!” he said, realizing that Jason was no longer around. Connor continued selecting units, bringing Himself, Tyler, Vic, and Dylan along, equipping each with their respective weapons of choice. Dylan got the Windmillstone, Tyler got Astra, and Connor got more rocks. Then the battle begun! Tyler lurched forward and began slashing at the enemy ranks with Astra and mutilating all that dared to stand in his way. The emerald dagger stained red as Tyler ripped his foes apart. Guts and intestines lay exposed all across the battlefield, Tyler’s bare, blood stained chest were covered in bits and pieces of the enemies mutilated organs. None of the blood was his own, for he was too badass to let any measly grunts so much as touch him. Some may have looked back on that day and called it a massacre, for none of the grunts had any weapons, but true believers know that all of the grunts were islamic so it was justified. Vic walked up behind Tyler and put her hand on his shoulder, “Tyler…” she said. “Don’t tell me that I over did it or anything, I was just salting the Earth before the seeds of rebellion have a chance to sprout,” said Tyler. “But we’re the rebellion...” began Dylan “SHUT UP, shut up, shut up,” screamed Tyler. “Anyways.. You didn’t leave any for the rest of us…” sighed Vic. “Good,” replied Tyler, “Now go make me a sandwich woman!” “But it’s four in the morning..” said Vic. “I DON’T CARE!” screamed Tyler as he punched Connor in the face. “Fine I’ll make you a sandwich...” said Vic reluctantly. “What the hell was that for?!?” yelped Connor. “I don’t know! I missed my nap today!” screeched Tyler as he punched Connor in the face again. “Here’s your sandwich Tyler…” said Vic holding out a sandwich to Tyler. “Thank you, wait… WAIT A SECOND… YOU FORGOT THE PICKLES! YOU MONSTER!” screeched Tyler as he slapped Vic across the face. “OKAY Tyler, lets get you to bed,” said Dylan. “But.. I don’t want to go to bed,” mumbled Tyler. “I’ll buy you ice cream tomorrow if you go to bed now,” bargained Dylan. “Hmm.. Fine! But you better get me that ice cream!” shouted Tyler. “I promise, now let's get you to bed,” said Lane. Just then, future Tyler walked into the room. “Were you really that much of a whiny bitch daddy?” His daughter asked him. “Okay, I don’t think it’s that necessary talk to your father that way.” Jason said.

PARALOGUE 2: THE SEACUMERS

Vic and Fletcher were by themselves, oblivious to each other’s whereabouts… until now. They were stuck on a boat. Both were not aware of what the boat was or what it was called, but what they did know is that this boat was stuck in the middle of a giant white cream filled sprinkled donut. Vic asked Fletcher, “Where are we?” Fletcher responds with, “I have no clue but I have realized something.” “What is it?” Vic asks. “Were in the middle of a giant donut! And it's not squirting cream out of the middle. I think it might actually be filled with… Um I’d rather not say. Let’s just say it’s very moist.” Fletcher tells Vic. “NOOO Fletcher! I hate that word!” Vic yells at Fletcher. Then Fletcher heard a sound a voice within his head. “Now, Fletcher.” The voice says. “It is your time, before this boat crashes, you must plow Vic so hard that a volcano erupts!” Fletcher takes a great long hour to stare at Vic’s chest before Fletcher slipped on his New Running boots and Sanic dashed over to Vic jumping and ripping his pants off. “FLETCH--!” Vic yells before Fletchers Slim jim slips inside Vic’s Herpes filled lips. Fletcher starts playing gangnam and starts doing his famous dance while using the Jedi dash to accelerate his thrusting. Vic realizes that her body was tied to the boat by magic and then saw Fletcher dripping sewage out of his pinky fingers. Fletcher then uses his gamma vision to 360 no scope Vic’s clothing off. Vic with a shocked look then saw Fletcher aim for her special spot but instead of the IRON BANANA coming for it, she saw Captain Crunch going to stick his peg leg into it. After the leg was inserted into the fountain of dream Fletcher continued his sanic thrusting into her mouth. After a while Fletcher released Vic’s mouth with the Expand juices squirting out her ears. Fletcher then applied the buster monando and ripped out one of the sail poles Vic screamed for help but before the rest of the crew realized something bad was happening the 30ft wide 100ft tall pole was lodged into her vagina. Fletcher kept thrusting and thrusting and thrusting until he realized that Vic was actually not still enjoying it. He had to think of something and something fast! But then, he thought of an idea! He untied Vic and put her on his back. He sprouted his dog wings and flew to the deep ocean biome. Then a kyogre spawned and asked Fletcher if he need any help. Fletcher dangled his master balls and caught the kyogre. Kyogre realized what he need to do. Kyogre grew and couple of legs and sprouted his green cheeto and started tearing Vic piece by piece. Each time that Kyogre thrusted a shotgun blast went off. Vic already was thinking about if everyone would miss her? Would they remember her if they never heard from her again. Her thought was cut off when Fletcher finally decided to take action himself. He sprouted his lightsaber and started making a bigger hole. Finally, he got Kyogre and Captain Crunch and they brought Vic back to the ship. Vic knew it, this was the last straw. She muttered “Goodbye everyone.” Just when she finished that sentence Fletcher, Kyogre, and Captain Crunch all penetrated her Vagina all at once with that sail post as well causing blood to pop out of her butt. As everyone was done with her they took her to the bow of the ship and used Elmer's glue to make her moist on the boat. Fletcher then obtained the power of infinite Fabio hair and flew away to his next location. This battle was over, but the war is far from it. After Fletcher flew away, Captain Crunch took Vic off the bow, covered her in chocolate milk and started taking his pet hamsters and shoving them up Vic’s butt.

CHAPTER 5: GOING FORWARD

“Okay, I’m back, I’m calm, and I’m at peace.” “Ohhh, did you bring me milk and cookies too?” “NO, NOW SHUT UP AND LISTEN!” “Fine..” they argued.

“Tyler, we need to talk!” demanded Connor, almost banging down Tyler’s office door. “About what?” Tyler asked, unlocking the door. “Jason’s been missing for a few days now… Shouldn’t we be looking for him?” Connor asked. “You’re right, that’s why I’ve been making these maps, in hopes of finding him.” Tyler responded. “Well what good are maps with nobody following them? It’s obvious he’s with Team Rocket, so we already have a lead. We should get going.”Connor argued. “Rally the troops, we’re headed out.” Connor yelled, running out of Tyler’s office and slamming into a masonry column. “That looked like it…” began Tyler. “Hurt? No. We’ve got to move.” Connor yelled again. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen Connor so dedicated to something before…” thought Tyler.

They were ready to go by the crack of dawn the next day. Tyler only bringing his dagger, Dylan had his Windmillstone, Blaise had his Moonstones and Summoning Clarinet, and Connor had brought along a prototype arm cannon from the lab. “You sure that’s a good idea Connor?” Blaise asked, “It hasn’t been tested yet…” “Trust me, I know what I’m doing. Jason said to use anything in the face of emergency, so that’s just what I’m doing.” Connor told him. “Fine.” Blaise responded, beginning to summon Yukon with the power of his clarinet. “So… um, where do we start our trek?” asked Dylan, starting to get impatient. “THAT WAY!” Connor yelled, and our heroes began their march!

PARALOGUE 3: UNHAPPY UNION

“What do you want from me?” Jason demanded. “What do we want?” asked Giovanni. “We want that little band of weirdos you ally with to fall apart. Kidnapping you one by one until there is only one lonely one left. But that’s all I’m going to tell you.” “Damn it. I was hoping to hear more.” Jason muttered. “Sir, we have arrived at our destination!” said a grunt from the front of the helicopter. “Good, now grab the kid and take him to the dungeon.” Giovanni demanded. “Yes sir!” said two grunts in unison, grabbing Jason and pulling him off the helicopter. “Let go of me!” Jason yelled, kicking a grunt hard in the shin. “AHH FUCK! Someone else get him!” the grunt yelled. Jason broke free from the other grunt’s hold and began to run. he didn’t get far until the persian tripped him and ruined his plan of escape. “Huh… Well that could have worked better…” Jason muttered. Once again, the grunts grabbed him and began to drag him to confinement.

The sound of a key turning was the last thing Jason heard for a while. “Hmm… Jason said, “Time to myself. I guess I should see what that stone is all about.” He dug the stone out of his pocket and began to examine it. It was clear with a swirling green color in it. “Interesting... “ Jason said, “I’ve never seen anything like it before.” Suddenly a door was unlatched and Giovanni walked in, quickly, Jason hid the stone from view. “You there, child.” Giovanni said. “I would rather not be referred to in that manner.” Jason responded. “Well that’s too bad now isn’t it?” Giovanni said laughing a bit, “We’re only here to take anything you have of value.” Then, two grunts entered the cell and assaulted Jason, pinning him against the wall. “SEXUAL HARASSMENT!” Jason screamed before he kicked them both in the back, and thrusted his legs downward, breaking free of their grasp once again. The grunts ran at him, one went for a low kick while the other tried to throw a high punch. Jason backpedaled, avoiding both attacks, and threw a punch back at the grunt who went to punch him, and stomped on the leg of the other one. He then grabbed ahold of the cell bars and kicked upward, knocking out the first grunt. The other one then rushed at him, delivering a flurry of punches, but due to Jason using double team as much as physically possible, Jason was able to dodge them with no problems (that spammy bitch). The grunt wasn’t done though, because of the grunt having a high accuracy stat, he once again pinned Jason against the wall. “When will this end!” Jason yelled, headbutting the grunt who pinned him. The grunt then fell to the ground unconscious “Never mind…” Jason said as the grunt fell. Giovanni locked the cell door and fled, saying that that kid was too strong for the grunts. “Wuss.” Jason said, sitting back down in the corner of the cell. “Now what am I gonna do with this trash?” Jason said, referring to the grunts laying on the other side of the cell.

CHAPTER 6: THE RAINBOW SAGE

“Ugh.” Tyler grumbled, “Where ARE we?” “Somewhere between Lumiose City and the Team Rocket HQ, I’m sure of it!” Connor said with confidence. “Well, I’m gonna go ride ahead and see what lies beyond.” Blaise said. Yukon then broke into full sprint and he and Blaise were on the move. Yukon seemed to move at the speed of moon, and soon Blaise came across a city in the distance. The one known as Notre Sagesse, where the Rainbow Sage resides. It is told that he can grant someone incredible power if they could pass his trials. Blaise knew this would be important to defeating Giovanni, he turned Yukon around and headed back to the others...

“Guys, guys! I found Notre Sagesse in the distance!” Blaise yelled, still having no clue what this city is as he still has not bought Fire Emblem Fates… “I always thought that was a myth!” said Tyler, confused. “No, no, no! It’s real, and not too far up ahead!” claimed Blaise, “The only problem is that only one of us can gain the power.” “Yeah, that would be a problem…” said Connor, knowing immediately that it wouldn’t be him. “I say Tyler gets it.” said Dylan. “Well I say Connor should!” said Tyler. “We’re going to let the rainbow sage decide, but I say FUCK TYLER I WANT THAT POWER BEOTCHES!” said Blaise. “Fine.” said Tyler, everyone else agreed as well... except for Blaise, cause he’s a greedy bitch.

A FEW DAYS LATER…

“Here we are, Notre Sagesse.” said Blaise. “Wow, so it is real!” Tyler said, amazed. “Well,” said Dylan, “let’s go find that Sage dude.” “Sounds like a plan.” Connor responded. “Well, let’s get a move on then pansies!” Blaise said with an intense boner! They walked a bit farther before Dylan passed out because of his meat flaps on his weenis. “Pfffft, wuss.” Tyler said to Dylan. When our mentally challenged protagonists reached the shrine, a mystic being appeared. “It is I young travelers, your beloved Wrinkly Old Man is here to please you.” The Rainbow Sage said. “What kind of sage is this?” Connor said, “I’m pretty sure that a ‘sage’ shouldn’t be this fat piece of shit sitting here!” “Well you know what! I was considering giving you this godlike power, but NOOOOOOO, you had to be a douche about my McDonalds addiction!” “Oh gosh,” Blaise said, “Is that you Jake?” “Noooooo……” The Sage said quietly. “WELL can we get on with this,” Tyler stated, “Oh great sage we need your power to give us the ability to defeat the force known as Team Rocket.” “Hmmmmmmmm…” Jake responds. “So is this the part where I need to give someone a power? Because I can be that cliche douchebag that can decide to help the protagonists but decides not to. How about this, you guys decide this over a friendly game…” “A POKEMON BATTLE!” Connor said excitedly! “No you fucking low IQ chicken, I mean dog, bottle cap, fire.” Jake told them. “So I was realizing that I’m the main character in this section and if I’m going to leave a mark before I’m absent for another 3 chapters I should probably say that you’re a fucking idiot,” Blaise said, “I think that I should get this ‘godly power’ because fuck Tyler.” “Well Blaise,” Jake said, “I normally hate you but I’ll give it to…” Blaise gets this humongous grin on his face like he just masturbated a dog when… “......Tyler.” *KAPOW* “...Wait what?” Blaise said confused… “Congratulations Tyler, you have just received the power of the 3rd Antichrist.” Jake tells him. “What happened to the other 2?” Tyler said. “Oh…… those…” *INTENSE FLASHBACK* “ugh ugh ugh ugh… I like it when you touch me like that wrinkly…” “Oh yes!” “I’m going to stop you there.” “Now is not the time to say that.” Professor Oak says casually. “Damnit Oak… Anyways, they died. By someone not me.” “That seems totally legit and not suspicious at all! Want to come with us potential child molester?” Tyler asked. “FUCK NO!” Blaise says, “He didn’t give me the power of infinite moon stones! I deserved that!” “Well fuck you Blaise, he was actually nice to me this time other than demanding the power.” *Blaise cries in a corner* “Well then let's get going. Oh, Dylan you finally caught up I see?” Connor says. “Well I ended up getting my leg caught in a bear trap and almost got eaten by this enormous frog, It was blue and had an enormous toung-” “LET’S GET GOING SHALL WE!” Blaise yelled as our heroes continued on their journey to Team Rocket's HQ!

PARALOGUE 4: BLACK AND WHITE

“Jessie, James, Meowth, I have a job for you.” said Giovanni, “Take our guest from his cell, and bring him to the Northern Fortress. He WILL try to fight back, don’t let him.” “Yes sir!” the three responded in unison as they rushed out the door to the dungeon.

“They say this kid is highly dangerous, he apparently killed two of the other grunts.” Said James, feeling scared. “Of course he should be no match for us though, right Jess?” asked Meowth, debating whether to inhale cascade, or wait for his time… “Here we are,” said James, “the Team Rocket dungeon. Boy we haven’t been here since we were being held here.” Jessie opened the door to the dungeon only to see one prisoner in the very back, that was who they were getting…
“Prepare for trouble, we’ve come to move you!” said Jessie.
“And make it double, you’re going to love your new view!” uttered James. “To protect the world from devastation!” yelled Jessie. “To unite all people within our nation!” squeaked James. “To denounce the evils of truth and love!” squealed Jessie. “To extend our reach to the stars above!” moaned James. “Jessie” Jessie yelled. “And James” said James. “Team Rocket blasts off at the speed of light!” Jessie screamed. “Surrender now or prepare for an ass whopping fight!” “Yeah, I get it.” said Jason, clearly not amused, “Can we just get this over with already? It’s like a new cage match each day in here.” “Well, aren’t you just a smart ass” said Meowth. “Yeah, I get that alot,” Jason mocked. “Alright, enough fun and games. Let’s just get this over with,” said Jessie, clearly unamused. James and Meowth cornered Jason and began to bind his limbs so as to prevent any further resistance. “OW!” shouted James, as he leaped away from Jason. “Arggg! What is it now James?!?” complained Jessie. “THAT LITTLE BASTARD JUST BIT ME!” shouted James. “Listen up pusshy lips!” shouted Meowth as he used scratch on James’ bisexual face, “Suck it up and finishing tying up the prisoner!” “Okay.. sniffle sniffle You don’t have to be so mean about it… sniffle” whimpered James. “Are you crying James?” asked Meowth. “No…” replied James through a storm of tears, “Well maybe a little…” “Arggg! I'm surrounded by idiots!” mummered Jessie, “Well, well. What do we have here?” Jessie looked over to see Jason attempting to escape by filing away at the prison window with the skin of his lunch, a small ekans cooked medium rare, smoked over an apple wood fire, and served with a side of deviled Farfetch’d eggs. Jessie used her Hypno-Ray to put Jason to sleep. “Would you like us to help you take him to his new cell?” James and Meowth said in unison. “No thanks,” Jessie said, “I think I’ll manage.”

CHAPTER 7: AMBIVALENCE

Tyler stood in an open field, reflecting on the past week. Everything was just happening so fast. One second, he and his friends were having a good time. Life had been a matter of what the new “in” was, where the next meal would be had, when the next great game came out, there was no responsibility. The recent events had changed that, he could no longer afford to sleepwalk through the days. In order to survive he had to be alert and on top of his game. What did this all mean?!? It was all so confusing! “Let's just hope we can live up to our destinies,” said Connor, placing a hand on Tyler’s shoulder. “How did you know what I was thinking..?” asked Tyler, clearly confused. “I have power beyond comprehension Tyler, also you were thinking out loud.” replied Connor. “Well fuck,” said Tyler, “But you’re right anyways, we’ve got some pretty big expectations to live up to.” “Yeah, everyone expects us to fix their wrongs,” said Connor. “Ya know? It’s kind of funny,” said Tyler. “How?” asked Connor. “Well, before this chaos broke out no one gave us a second thought, now the Team Rocket threatens a few regions and suddenly we’re the most important people in this realm.” pondered Tyler. “You make a good point,” said Connor, “Heh, it's funny how fate plays out.” “You can say that again,” replied Tyler. “Heh, it's funny ho-” Connor started, “It’s a saying Connor, I didn’t mean literally…” Tyler scolded Connor. Tyler and Connor sat there and stared at the sky for the next 5 minutes, nobody uttered a single word. “In other news,” Tyler said, cutting through the silence, “That Jake kid is a bit shady don’t you think?” “Yeah,” said Connor, “He’s always been a bit of an asshat if you ask me.” “Do you think we can trust him? I mean I know he granted me the power of the third Antichrist, or at least claimed to have, but he seemed to be hiding something.” said Tyler. “I say we let him travel with us, but don’t take our eyes off of him,” proposed Connor, “One wrong move and he’s dead.” “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer…” whispered Tyler. Tyler and Connor attained support level C!