I don't know what to call it

When I want to write it is like a light starts to burn so bright I got to get to a pen before I forget it all again and my thoughts go dim. Sometime words sound so good in your head but once you grab your pen you hit a dead end. It's because words run threw my brain as emotions but sometimes the words get so scrambled it don't even make sense to me, what does all this mean? How can I choke out the words I feel so insecure. I keep hearing people say everything happens for a reason, well I guess I must just be to blind too see or maybe I am still drowning in a sea of grief still in denial because sometimes swallowing the truth causes to much pain. So I just sit here going insane with emptiness running through my veins. I can't even concentrate to stay in my lane, cause this life got me falling off course, feeling to scared to jump back on that horse you call life cause it's bucked me off way to many fucking times! I feel like I can't win, after I get done beating down one demon another's ones clawing at my door, trying to get it, but what everyone fails to see, is me doing me always getting back up slowly wiping off my knees I begin to beg and I plea trying to fight these feelings, like I have lived my life in hell and one day I will wake up and this will all be a dream. Like my life wasn't as bad as it really seems I will wake up with no more bad history no more bad memories. If only this could be and my life wasn't really terrible as it seems. Like my family wasn't ripped apart at the seams! Like I can still have good dreams, instead if these haunting nightmares. I mean who really would of thought things would turn out this way? I am struggling trying not to lose my way! It's hard to find your way through this dark thing called life when you lost the only light that ever guided your way, have found their place in a heavenly home, millions miles away, I just don't know what to say. I feel like God gave life a knife and they stabbed me just to see if I would bleed, now I am drowning in a pool of defeat can't stay on my feet, feeling so weak feeling like my life stuck on repeat! I just want to kick,scream, throw my feet throw my hands in the air and scream this isn't fair but do I dare, life can throw fuel on a fire that is already burning out of control. And your life may end up in a pile of ruble making you pick up the pieces and start to build again! This my friend is not the end! It is a bad chapter in our book, but don't stop now, just look, the next page is a new chapter! Another beginning of an new adventure or lesson, just remember it's a blessing! And we will all be together in the end!