Heartbreak and Healing

We all want to be loved. We all want to find that special someone who in turn has found us - their special someone. I just want to take this moment to be my honest self without any flowery language, just articulated thoughts and feelings. I am a young woman who had a crush on a boy for 13 years. As time passed a voice in my head kept telling me that it wasn't meant to be but I chose to ignore it. In my 13th year a good friend told me the earth shattering truth that the reality I had deluded myself into believing was not as it seemed. While I thought that perhaps my feelings were finally being reciprocated my friend told me the truth that everyone, including the one I had a crush on, was aware of my situation and so they decided to make it seem that he liked me, too in order to make me happy. My whole world was destroyed that day. I learned to distrust all people and I knew what hate was when that happened. As a result my HSC was completely sabotaged and I failed to fulfill my goals and the wishes of my family and teachers. A year later I ran into the boy I once had feelings for and discovered that I had finally been cured from my heartbreak. He and I are now good friends and I am glad that I now have that platonic relationship with him.

The following year - my first year out of high school - I had a crush on someone in my one year design course at TAFE. I learned that he and another girl had started dating and so I knew to stop pursuing that idea. Luckily he and I were not all that compatible. We got along well enough with each other, but I wasn't his type and he ended up being not particularly my type, either. The year after that I started a Drama course and very early on I knew that someone in my class had a crush on me and because I could tell that he had a crush on me I developed a crush on him. I hastily rushed into a relationship with him and within the first day of said relationship I knew that I had made a mistake. I decided to try and make it work but as time passed I knew that I was in an unhealthy relationship. I was doing things that made me unhappy and uncomfortable with myself. No matter the rules and boundaries I put in place for our relationship he would always ignore them and make me compromise on them. It seemed to me that no matter what I did I was always the one at fault and I always made mistakes. Once again I heard the voice in my head giving me a hint about what I should be doing. I shouldn't be in this relationship, it told me. But I kept on trying because I wanted to make him happy and the idea of not being in a relationship with me was detrimental to his well being so I had virtually no choice but to keep it up in order to keep him happy even though it was only harmful to me. I was trying to figure out exactly how to attack my problem.

Finally the next year came around and we spoke for several months about ending the relationship. I got the courage to tell him exactly how I felt and that I thought we should end the relationship. I was so relieved it was over and I could get my life back on track and just focus on myself and my studies... But then I was suddenly and unexpectedly struck by feelings for a new student in first year at my college. As the weeks passed I learned more and more about him and felt more and more like I had found a kindred spirit. He understood me in a way that no one had ever done before. He asked me what kind of person I was and described me perfectly to a tee because he was just the same. He said these things, not me. It was him that said we were the same, not me. Finally it struck me one day that I had fallen in love with this person. For the first time in my life I had discovered exactly what it felt like to be truly in love. I didn't know what to do. Sometimes people don't do things because they want to do them. That was what happened to me. I was overcome with unspeakable happiness. The joy he made me feel was incomprehensible. It was the greatest feeling I had ever experienced.

One day I sat alone at home listening to a song that was featured in the latest trailer for his favourite childhood video game (the new Gears of War game featuring the Disturbed cover of the Sound of Silence) and I was messaging an old friend from my TAFE course about my situation. She said encouraging things that made me feel like everything suddenly made sense. It was as if God switched on a light and made sense of all these things that I did not previously understand. I was overcome with indescribable happiness that was completely unfounded and lacked any reason for why I was feeling it. I was so overjoyed that I cried tears of joy for the second ever time in my entire life. I felt that God was telling me that my search was over and that all the things I had experienced in my life up until this point were leading me to this individual whom I had fallen in love with. I felt utter happiness. I was completely content for the first time in my life. I knew exactly what I wanted and I was certain of my feelings for the first time in my entire life. I carried on my life learning along the way that I had inadvertently hurt several people in my pursuit of what I wanted and in my pursuit of becoming myself. The time came when I told him that I had feelings for him... and he said "I'm sorry."

That was all I needed to hear in order to know that my dreams were not meant to be. My previous beliefs about myself as a person became reaffirmed when all I wanted to do was destroy that perspective of myself all together and become the best me I could. I had become certain that as a person I am not meant to have what I want. I am the sacrificial lamb that comes in last place, is chosen last and gives everything to everyone else. This week my heart was broken, but that's ok. I will live for those I love all the same. I will give all I have to give to them so that they can be happy and have what they want no matter the price I have to pay. I love him and I will continue to do so from afar. Come what may I will love him until my dying day. I found my soulmate even if he didn't find me.