Me Without You

Skies are always immensely dark and gray. Clouds loom overhead threatening a downpour. Thunder rumbles in the distance. Trees angrily sway in the forceful, howling wind. The air is perpetually leaden and covers me like a blanket. Nightâs darkness is never-ending. One day is no different than the next.
         I am not pretty enough. I am not thin enough. I am not smart enough. I am not feminine enough. I am not tall enough. I am not sexy enough. I am not tame enough. I am not outgoing enough. I am not enough. There is no me without you.
That is my mantra.
I keep my head down and try to anticipate the next conversation. I try to sense your mood by your body language. I hope my shirt collar is high enough. I hope the hem is long enough. Are those shorts going to be long enough? Better just keep wearing jeans. It helps hide the bruises anyway. I have your necklace on after fighting with the chain to get the kinks out. I have your jacket even though I am not cold. The world knows that I am yours. There is no me without you.
It was not always like this. Tender caresses, loving words, laughter, caring embraces, smiles, soft kisses. Did I imagine those times? Everyone says we are meant to be. We are so happy. You have me, I have you. When did you change?
No this is my fault. I did something that you did not like. I know I should have kept your necklace on, I am sorry. I should not have spoken to anyone else before talking to you, I am sorry. I should have asked you before agreeing to pick up a day at work, I am sorry. No, I should not have made plans with my family, I am sorry. No there is no reason I should have spent any time working on that project, I am sorry. My best friend should not have come over because I knew you would be calling, I am sorry. Yes, I understand this is my fault. You only want me to be happy. There is no me without you.
You know what is best. I am not pretty enough, no one else wants to look at me. I am not thin enough, no I do not need to eat anything else today. I am not smart enough, please tell me what you want me to know. I am not feminine enough, I should put more in to my appearance for you. I am not tall enough, I will wear taller shoes to fit in your arms right. I am not sexy enough, I will wear this just for you. I am not tame enough, I will not talk back to you anymore. I am not outgoing enough, whatever plans you make are fine with me. I am not enough, I will be what you want. There is no me without you.
Who is that girl? What is going on? Why is this happening? When did this all start? Where will the next occurrence take place?
There is a quiet whisper that is building and building.
I am sorry, but I cannot do this anymore. Yes, we can be friends. I still want you to be happy. I still want you to want me. Yes, you can call whenever you want. I have no one else to talk to. I have already pushed everyone away. Yes, I will still come to you. I have nowhere else to go. There is no me without you.
That whisper is still growing it is forming moans.
No, I will not answer all yours calls. I am on the other line. I will call you back. I will come by later. I have somewhere to stop first. I am sorry you are upset. I still want you to want me. There is no me without you.
Those moans are getting louder becoming a scream.
No, please stop calling me. I will not answer. No, I will not stop by later. I have other people to see. I am sorry, please do not be mad.
That scream is transforming into a roar.
No, you will not stop by my work. No, you will harass my friends. No, you will not follow me. No, you will not have me. How do you know where I am? There is no me without you.
I am stronger than you thought. I am more, I am enough. I will stand up, and I will fight back. There is a me without you.
I can finally breathe. Everything feels so new. The world was all in black and white, now the spectrum is infinite. The clear blue sky goes on for miles, splashed with fluffy, white clouds lazily moving along. Brightness emits from the sun bathing me in a comforting warmth. A soft breeze is caressing the trees gently. This is me without you. I am free. I am happy. I am carefree. I am learning. I am moving on. I am me. I am enough.
The world is new. I have never experienced these feelings before. Music can be exuberant. Shadows will disappear in the light.
I cannot un-love you. I cannot un-know the things that happened. I cannot un-hear the words that were said. I cannot un-feel the hits that happened. I would never even begin to try. Everything about you made me who I am today and will be tomorrow. There never has and there never will be...me without you.