Zombie

My mother is a witch. No, seriously. She is a witch. And apparently not a very good one. Her and my Aunt decided that they would try to bring me back from an untimely death. I appreciated the effort and all, but now I am a ZOMBIE. Not my idea of the perfect resurrection.

"Honey, just come back to the coven house and we can work on this problem together. I really don't want to be out here any longer than we have to be," said my mother, Gillian.

"Oh my god, no. I am not leaving the cemetery. What if someone sees me? I mean, who picked out this dress, mother?" I asked pointing at the sack of a dress I was wearing. "I wouldn't be caught dead in something from Sampson's. Uhh."

"You're only twenty-two. How was I supposed to know your wishes?" asked my mother. She held her tablet against her chest trying to look innocent of the fashion crime.

"If you ever paid any attention to the things I wore," I said standing behind a tall headstone.

"Ladies, let's not fight. We've got to figure this out," said my Aunt Wilma as she packed up their spell kit and snuffed out one of at least fifty little candles burning in the cemetery. "Let's get this cleaned up and go back to the coven house like your mother suggested. We can work safely there."

"I can't leave here! I am a zombie and zombies kill people and eat them. I can't do that. I am a non-violent vegan," I cried. I lumbered to the edge of Uncle Jimmy's headstone and sat down. I put my head in my hands and wept. I cried for maybe two seconds and abruptly sat up. I felt my face. My skin felt as though it were sagging like my grandmothers.

My mother came up to me and grabbed my left hand. "It will be okay. Willy and I will fix it."

"Did you do my makeup?" I asked rubbing the foundation with my thumb against my fingers and trying to see it in the dim light.

"No, honey. Mr. Mortensen did it. He did a fantastic job. Didn't he, Willy?" asked my mother over her shoulder.

"Actually, I think he needs to hire someone to do hair and make up," said Aunt Wilma. She walked over and stood by my mother. "I thought you looked a lot like Grandma Stevens."

"Oh my god. Tell me it was a closed casket," I asked. They shook their heads in unison.

"I am so humiliated. I can't believe you two did this to me. First in death and now this," I stood up and tried my best to walk. My legs just didn't want to cooperate. I sat down on the edge of Cousin Bill's headstone instead.

Gillian and Wilma whispered together. They consulted the electronic spell book on the tablet.

"We think we know how to fix this but we need to go. Can we help you to the car, Alexis?" asked Aunt Wilma.


The coven house was an old shed that sat behind my Grandfather's house that he used for his lawn mower repair business. Sometimes I could still smell a tinge of gasoline and lawn clipping over the assortment of smells these two had a brewing. I flopped down in my favorite old worn out love seat and watched them mill about.

'I think we messed up here," said Wilma pointing at the tablet. "It should have been 'Walla cal drum homo corpseum' and not 'Walla cala drum homo corpseum.'"

"Oh goodness, I think you are right. There is nothing we can do about that now but we need to take it into consideration going forward. I think this is what we need to do right here," said Gillian as she consulted an old book.

"I agree. Let me get everything together and we can take care of this mishap," said Wilma. She trotted off to the cabinets and began collecting her wares and updating the tablet.

"Alexis, just stay here and relax. We'll be right back," said Gillian patting my hand. "We'll take care of this correctly this time."

"Relax? You want me to relax? This mishap has made me a vegan zombie dressed up like Granny in a potato sack. I can't relax. Please just hurry," I said. I put my head in my hands and jerked them away. "This is so gross. Please hurry before I lose my mind and have one of you for lunch."

I closed my eyes and tried to chill. When they began chanting, I wanted to giggle because it reminded me of a really bad Enigma song. "Argo malna supporo langel feline homo corpseum," said Gillian.

"No. No, that's langee felina, Gillian, not langel feline," said Wilma.

"That is not what it says here," said Gillian pointing at the tablet.

Wilma looked at the tablet. "Oh crap. Autocorrect. Let me fix it," Wilma said taking the tablet from Gillian.

"Alexis, you must stay here so we can help you," said Gillian turning around and looking about the small shed.

A low growl followed by a hiss came from the loveseat. A Siamese cat jumped down and walked by the two women.

"Oh no, Gillian, now we've turned her into a cat," said Aunt Wilma.