A Note For Grey

It was never supposed to be you, our worlds made sure of it, our beliefs, prevented it, and fate rejected it. The idea of us, that is. But somehow, in that rejection, and relentless prevention, our flame, our connection, had a resurrection. Seemingly innocent, quite the coincidence, but our paths crossed once again.
At the most opportune time, as one would presume, but of course not, cause that's never really quite how these stories come about. In the throws of a relationship, is where you met me, happy, unassuming, and ever so lonely. But not any less in love.
With the one whose name I spoke, on a constant, only to eventually, no longer be content. With my life choices, with the nagging voices, telling me, things I wasn't sure I could admit. To commit, commit to the ever present feeling that has always consumed me, confused me, and sometimes bemused me.
"What's wrong with me?", "No, no. no. this can't be!", "This isn't right..", "I can't, my parents will be so disappointed in me', 'God, might forsake me..", Lies. Fears. And years of screwed up expectations and misconceptions were all put to rest, the moment you smiled at me. Fears and insecurities silenced. At a moment's notice. Slowness. Of breathing, eyes that sent my senses careening, with no safety net, and I fell. Fell hard. Like down six feet, in the span of a couple weeks, and though you warned me. I couldn't have imagined, I would fall so quickly, deeply and madly in love with you,
With your lack of chill, and boundless crackhead energy that flows out of you. How you’re adorable, even when you're raging, and how you're so sensitive, but only around people that matter. The masculine strength you emanate, the self control and lack thereof, you demonstrate. Your beautiful aura, and your motivation against all odds, your different personalities, even though D and I didn't always get along, the way you genuinely hated it, when I had to go, the way you made me feel so comfortable, that my insomnia would somehow, just be gone. How endearing you could be when you had things your way, And how, you always said the right things, even though 'Words weren't your thing'.
It started out innocently, friendly even, I swear. With compliments, and words of encouragement here and there. You were my friend. The one that was really good at art, you were funny, and cheeky, a vibe, with a lot of spunk. But slowly but surely, I thought about you all the time, about where you were, what you were doing, and if you had slept well, the other night. Then I started to notice little things that I didn't before. How, your eyes dance when you laugh, and how amazing you look when you smile. How you radiate confidence, and still manage to be shy. How, you hate it when you cry, how you wish you were a tough guy. All these and more were things I grew to adore, like your tattoos, your awkwardness, and how focused you look when you work. I hated smoking with a passion, ever so fierce, but whenever you'd blow smoke at me, my body tingles everywhere.
Weeks turned to months, and 'goodnight's' to 'I love you's'. Feelings, and emotions, drifted further and further away from playful. I dreamed of you, I thought of you, you captured my heart. And when I couldn't stop thinking about you, I started writing new songs. About what I wish you'd do to me, and how you made me feel. About how you turned my vision to color, from grayscale. You were always concerned about me not choosing you, Because you were falling, and you were terrified by that fact, but little did you know, I was feeling exactly like that. I chose you in my heart, before my mind had a chance. I went back home, and ended things, because I knew deep down it was what's best. The truth is at that point, my heart was already yours, my mind, my body, my being, and the aura that it holds. I was ready to spend my life with you, if you asked, To share a love and connection, I had hoped, would always last.
You decided to go and chase your dreams, and asked me constantly, if I was willing to wait, we visualized what our lives would be. Our kids, our house, our family. I told you, I'd wait as long as it took, that I'd be here for you in any way I could. I promised to love you, with every inch of my heart, and how I'd like nothing more, than to embrace and show you how it feels to be loved on. I wanted to teach you intimacy, making love, something deeper than, just having sex. I wanted to hold you, take you on dates, and lay my head on your chest. To listen to your heartbeat. To be in your space. To look into your eyes, and see forever, to kiss all over your face. To spend time with you, to help you keep calm, to teach you to breathe in and breathe out, to tell me whatever it is, that's going on. To be your peace, when you've had a stressful day. To be your escape, and love you in 'every kind of way', like H.E.R said. You decided to finally do what you always wanted to do. To be a doctor, and when you gave me the news, I was so beyond proud, and happy for you.
I encouraged your decision, and told you to chase your dreams, and went shopping with you to get the things you'd need. And even when it was pretty clear, that meant, you couldn't come see me, I still was happy you were happy. Even if it meant, I wouldn't get to have you near me. Then you started, and things slowly started to change, 'I love you's' and 'goodnight's' out the window, I felt like you couldn't even see me. Quietly screaming, begging for a moment, for reminder, that I was something of importance. To you, I couldn't seem to get through, no matter how hard I tried, handling introductions incorrectly, and was caught up, right in front of your very eyes.
Not much was said and I chalked it up to nepotism. Skepticism, of whether you cared for me anymore. Arguments, replaced compliments and disagreements, replaced affectionate, sensual, phone calls. Sex was out the window, needs where no longer met. You made me a fiend, and that cut me off just like that. Never had you to myself, and when I did it was strained. In dorm rooms, while I was in bathrooms, crying in the middle of the day. Getting sent back to the dorm from class, for emotional breakdowns, messing up solo's, Russian roulette with my emotions, and somehow, you didn't get the notion, that I wasn't okay. I had gotten so accustomed to crying, I didn't even realize, they'd be streaming down my face.
I questioned myself constantly, criticized everything I did. Was I not pretty enough, was my hair not okay, was it something I said. "Why doesn't he want me anymore, Girasol?", "Why doesn't he care?", "We haven't had playtime for weeks, Compa!", "I don't think he still wants to be here". What did I do, what could I have possibly done. Where did I go wrong? What made him fall out of love? Did I push him away? Has he had enough? Did he find someone new, someone he can actually touch? Everyday, I would torment myself, and wish I could help you see that no one in your life right now cares about you more than me. I think of you, and my heart sighs, when you tell me you love me, I get glassy eyes. I never felt this way, for anyone before, I've felt things but nothing that's even nearly close to the emotions and desires you invoke. Never thought I would want someone to degrade me at all, that I'd want someone to make me beg and plead for my power back, and now, I'm screwed, cause I don't want anyone but you.
I can't even begin to express all the ways I miss you. Playing your voice notes over, and over analyzing everything you ever said, wondering if there's still room for me, on the other side of your bed. In my head. Anytime I see you with anyone else. Dying a little bit inside, when you post something with someone else. Trying to be strong but losing my resolve, questioning whether or not you truly wanted my love at all. Growing numb now, Barely, coping, how? How? Could I possibly cope with this loss. Said I couldn't do this, couldn't stand to be ignored anymore. But even when I was hoping. Hoping, you'd tell me, that we could get through this rough patch, that we could make it if we tried, you simply said, "I'm so sorry". And with that, you said your goodbye. That broke my heart, shattered it, because the realization set in, You had given up on us, and you didn't want to fix it, the novelty of us, for you had worn thin. "Sometimes", you said, "I don't know", another stab at my heart. Because I was never unsure, when it came to you. I wasn't perfect, I know that to be true. I have issues to, but I was willing to continue to work on them, and hopefully help you work on yours too. I carry you in my spirit, and without you, I've lost the spring in my step. Optimist, turned pessimist, everything is gray. 'Remember I'll always love you', on replay. In my head, the soundtrack to our love, now the anthem of my heartbreak. Little moments we have ever so often, both fulfilling and draining.
Sabrina, rings through my ears, on a constant. 'I consider you, I'm not trying to. It doesn't matter whether or not I want to, I can't help it, it's a habit ,Your corner in my mind is well established. I,
I wonder how many things you think about before you get to me, I wonder how many things you wanna do, you think I'm in between, I feel myself falling further down your priorities, And I still make excuses for you constantly, I wonder how many things you think about before, Before you get to me'. Questions that plague me, everyday now. My composure, hardly at bay now. Wish that I could just find some simple way, how, how to make you love me the same. Wow, never thought, I'd cry this much in vain, Cause now. Now, my darling, now my darling, my darling, Am I, not, even a second thought, to you. Do you remember, when I told you, I'd always love you. Without you. Tell me, what am I supposed to do without you...