Too Much, Too Bear

Winner, Dialogue 500 (only dialogue) prompt: A dialogue between you and your neighbor's spouse.


Oh jeez, there’s Sandy. She needs to know. C’mon, Nate, man up and do the right thing. “Morning, Sandy!”

“Oh hey there, Nate! Nice morning, huh? Oh my...looks like something got into your trash cans last night.”

“Yeah….something sure did. Look, Sandy, we need to talk. It’s about-“

“Sure, Nate, but could you make it quick? I haven’t made Yuri’s breakfast yet, and you know what kind of beast he is when hungry.”

“Actually, it’s about Yuri. You see, your husband, well,” Just say it, Nate! “Your husband’s a bear.”

“A bear?”

“I’m sorry, Sandy, I-“

“You’re saying my Yuri’s...a hairy gay man?!?”

“No, no, a bear, Sandy.”

“Oh. Oooooh, no, I see what you’re saying, Nate. You’re worried because I’m a Packers fan and Yuri’s a big Bears guy. Yeah, I don’t see him switching sides. I mean, he is from Chicago, and-“

“No, Sandy, he’s-“

“-a big Cubs fan too.”

“Sandy, listen to me please. Yuri’s a bear. A grizzly bear, to be specific. He’s an apex predator, and, well, I like you and I’d hate to see you get, you know, mauled.”

“Mauled?!? That’s a little dramatic, don’t you think Nate? I mean, sure, he can get a bit rough sometimes, but-“

“He’s seven foot tall, Sandy.”

“What can I say? I like ‘em big.”

“And weighs, what? 650? 700 pounds?”

“He’s working on that, Nate. Dr. Sizemore has him on a very strict diet. Nothing but salmon and berries.”

“I’m sorry, did you say Dr. Sizemore?”

“Yeah, David Sizemore down on Main Street.”

“I know where his office is, Sandy. We take our dogs there. He’s a vet.”

“Oh, I know. We had to switch doctors for awhile when he was deployed to Iraq.”

“No, Sandy. A veterinarian.”

“Whatever. Look, Yuri trusts him, and doc worked miracles with his mange last spring.”

How can I make her understand? “Sandy, there’s no delicate way to say this, so here goes. We found Yuri’s…droppings…in our driveway this morning.”

“Oh, Nate, I’m so, so sorry. He drank waaaaay too much honey mead last night, and, well. Again, so sorry.”

“It was next to my mangled garbage cans, Sandy.”

“Raccoons, probably.”

“Funny you should mention that, Sandy. There was a mauled raccoon next to the cans. Something big got him. You know, like a-”

“Look, Nate, I appreciate you looking out for me. I really do. But Yuri? A Bear? That’s just-“

“Sandy, please, you have to-“

“Oh look! Here’s my tall, dark and handsome fella now!”

“Oh...hey...Yuri. Haven’t seen you all winter, buddy. I was just telling Sandy here-“

“GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!”

“See? I told you, Nate. My man turns into an animal when he’s hungry. Plus, he’s very territorial. Nate? Nate?!? Don’t run, Nate, he’ll just…Nate! Get down from that tree! Yuri’s just gonna climb up after you!”

474 Words