Dark Star Skit #1

Eric and Phrax were sitting in the mess, trying to get some food in before they alighted on Hilios for their next mission. The ship had been set to autopilot, and Phrax had been delighted to get some man to man time with Eric, which had been virtually impossible since Larissa had joined their team.
At the time they were discussing the proponents of the recent peace treaty between some of the Galactic superpowers, that rendered part of their services unnecessary for the time being.
‘Let me tell you Phrax, before you know it. Those two will be pointing phasers at each other again, and we will be back in demand’ Eric said as he munched on some unnaturally soft earth muffins that the ship’s culinary synthesizer had created earlier. Eric had to admit, the humans had many faults, some were obstinate, irritating and semi intelligent at best, but their food never disappointed.
Phrax had objected to tasting their cuisine, instead opting for a traditional Galactic Brew, the kind that could be found in rowdy bars and down houses everywhere in the galaxy. Despite his objection however, he had managed, while the others were sleeping of course, to nibble (or consume entirely) the fabled earth apple pie that Larissa had left in the cooler.
‘You sound oddly optimistic’ he replied ‘considering that the treaty was signed just yesterday, and by Iris, one of your friends. Have you no trust?’ and took a long draught of the beverage.
Eric seemed to hesitate a bit, considering the truth in what Phrax had said, before he could counter however, Larissa walked in with an active screen hovering above her hand. She seemed to be highly engrossed in it however, as she didn’t respond to their greetings and simply sat down next to Phrax. Then set back to work on the screen.
An odd silence seemed to settle in the room, as Phrax sipped his drink loudly, and Eric finished his muffin. After a short while, Eric broke the silence
‘So what do you have on the screen Larissa’
It was a purely silly question in truth, since the screen was transparent, but Eric felt if he was to properly make fun of her, he might as well feign interest in the beginning.
At first she didn’t take notice, then she slowly raised her head and noticed they were both looking at her expectantly.
‘Oh, hey guys. Are we there yet?’
Phrax shook his head ‘Not for another twenty minutes’
She nodded absent mindedly then went back to the screen
Eric coughed loudly and she looked back up, then realized she had asked him something.
She started with a smile
‘Oh sorry. So last week I put up my profile on this dating website.’
Her speech was suddenly cut off by raucous laughter from Phrax and Eric, and she immediately regretted speaking in the first place. They stopped after a while, and with a series of apologies and snickers, asked her to continue. Irked, she did anyway
‘So after a few hours, this guy begun chatting with me. He was funny, attractive and smart. I’ve been texting him ever since’
Eric nodded, holding back laughter
‘So this guy… Pray tell, from what planet does he hail?’
She hesitated, knowing full well what might follow, and instead countered
‘Why are you two so interested? It’s none of your business’
Phrax, wiping tears of mirth from his eyes replied
‘It matters to us because we care about your safety, and we would hate for you to fall for a…miscreant’
Larissa furrowed her eyebrows ‘Really? A miscreant. You think I can’t tell a miscreant when I see one?’
‘Let us teach you something about online dating’ Eric said, adopting a pseudo parental tone ‘I don’t know if you had this on earth, but there’s a term. Phrax remind me of it’
‘Nabopian Duplicity’ Phrax duly replied
‘Yes, now my dear…dear Larissa, what this term means is-’
‘What’s a Nabopian?’ Larissa cut in.
Eric adopted the facial expression he always used when someone interrupted him mid postulation. Phrax took charge of the situation
‘Nabopian Sapiens are the most attractive, hilarious, and phenomenal beings in the galaxy. Every time there is say a galactic beauty pageant, or a talent show, and a Nabopian is entered in it, chances are the competition is going to purchase tickets to watch the Nabopians perform because they know it’s a no contest’
He continued ‘Their planet, Nabopia, is a haven for the most luscious fruits and precious minerals. Their people are some of the wealthiest in the galaxy and their television shows have some of the highest turn outs in terms of viewership. In truth I myself from time to time tune in to their channels to catch some of their sport events and debates’
Eric scoffed ‘If their debates are emotional dramas about true love and sacrifice, then sure, that’s what you tune into’
Larissa, confused, asked ‘If they’re so popular and amazing, then why aren’t they running the galaxy?’
Eric nodded
‘Valid point. So you see, despite their amazing hair texture, and soft skin and very well defined eyebrows.’
Larissa coughed and Eric jolted back to reality
‘Got lost a bit there?’
‘It got away from me. Anyway despite all that, Nabopia is one half of a two-star binary system. And the other planet ironically, is inhabited by the vilest, ruthless and most hideous beings in their galaxy’
Larissa was taken back ‘Well that’s unfortunate’
Phrax nodded ‘So instead of focusing their efforts on ruling the galaxy with a beautiful Golden fist, they have to focus on fending off attacks from Aipobanians’
Larissa noticed a pattern in their names, and voiced her thoughts
‘Wait, so the name of their planet is just the other planet’s name spelt backwards?’
‘The people of the other planet aren’t really known for the brilliance of their people honestly, it’s one of the great ironies in the galaxy’ Eric said as he got another muffin.
‘Well as entertaining as that story was’ She said ‘I don’t see how this relates to my current situation’
Eric sat, and begun to consume the muffin, and nodded to Phrax to continue as he was solely focused on demolishing the muffin at hand.
‘A Nabopian Duplicity is when a being of inferior physical appearance or form, which is actually most people in the known universe, adopts the identity of aforementioned being, in order to fool unsuspecting lonely ladies searching for affection’
Larissa nodded ‘We had that on earth, before it became a nuclear wasteland at least, called it cat fishing’
Eric and Phrax immediately shared a look and shook their heads in abject disappointment. Phrax muttered under his breath “Humans’
Eric continued ‘For all we know, the person you are texting might be an Amphibian creature, a sizeable one at that’
‘Well sorry to burst your proud and obviously subjective bubble, but if that’s the case then sign me up for the scales train. I’ll date him for his personality’ she shot back
Phrax smiled ‘While I agree that Eric is subjective’ (Eric shot him a look of disdain but Phrax didn’t care) ‘I still think it’s a bit hard to raise your amphibian human hybrid children…underwater’
‘We’ll make it work… I’ll grow gills if I have to’
The ship computer suddenly chimed ‘Currently one minute away from descent, please enter seats and prepare for descent’
Eric shrugged as he stood ‘You have fun doing that. But coming from someone who’s dated a Nabopian supermodel, the grass is always greener on the other side’
Phrax shook his head ‘Oh again with the supermodel story, it was just dinner’
‘That’s what she said’
And the three walked off to the cockpit.