Happiness Unknown

You know how sometimes you get bored and hire a hitman to spice up your life? This was one of those days for me. When I woke up, I realized that my life lacked spice and fun. I was bored, so I did what any rational computer geek would do in this situation: I went on the dark web and hired an assassin to kill me. That was a reasonable thing to do the day after Halloween, no?

Living on the outskirts of Detroit, doesn't allow for much as it was. Add on to that my boring job as an accountant and that left me with nothing. The only fun that I had was when the secretary at work bent over and I got to see some cleavage. My estranged wife wouldn't let me see her in anything other than flannel pajamas. And that was only when she was feeling randy. She considered it cheating when she caught me looking at a video on the internet, the fact that it was me and another woman should not influence how you see me.

Every shadow made me jump, every sound could lead to my death. It was exhilarating and scary at the same time, the blood was flowing through my veins in a way that it hadnât in a long time. The $25,000 that I spent to have someone kill was well worth it already. Money well spent.

As I made my way into the office building, my cell phone chirped and I stopped to answer it. In that split second, a massive fireball emerged from the roof of the building. Instinctively, I ran from the building and threw myself to the ground. What nobody tells you about explosions is that while they look great on screen, in real life they are deafening. Without even thinking about it, I knew that this was for me. I was supposed to be in that building, alone, and if I had been I would be dead.

Nothing happened for a few weeks after the explosion at work. The shadows grew quiet, so I figured that the agency I had hired to kill me had given up. It was for the best, now that I had had some excitement in my life, my marriage seemed to be back on track. Angelique, my wife, had been so happy that I wasn't dead that we actually were physical with each other for the first time in years. It was wilder than what I remembered and everything seemed to be perfect again, so perfect that we had decided to go on a second honeymoon to New York City.

There was another reason that I wanted to get away, if the assassins were still after me then I wanted to put distance and time between us. In what I considered an ingenious plan I bought plane tickets with my credit card and train tickets with cash. Even though they knew I was in NYC, there was no way that they would ever be able to find me.

Once we were in the city, Angelique wanted to go to a few museums. When I could I slipped out and rented a hotel room near it. If I was lucky I would use the room for 45 minutes or so but it was just to keep the guys off my trail. It seemed to be working that is until we were on the subway. I was stuck in a tin can, with the man that I had paid to kill me. How did I know? If he was paid to kill me, then putting a gun in my face was a little personal.

The time had finally come for my plan to come to roost. How ironic that I was going to die in a banal way; on the subway going to see Carrie Bradshawâs house. Silently I prayed to God to forgive me for everything I had done wrong. It was my time to go. Or so I thought. Apparently while I was ogling the secretary at work, Angelique had been taking some karate lessons. She kicked him square in the back, and gave another roundhouse as he turned to her. His gun went flying through the air, and another guy tackled him. When the train stopped, Angelique and I hopped off and disappeared into the crowd.

"Want to tell me what that was about?" She asked as we stepped out of the station. She led the way through the Financial District, I had no idea where we were going but she somehow knew. I tried to run but she stopped me. "If you run, people will notice you. Keep a brisk pace."

"I didn't want to live anymore. I thought our marriage was over and had nothing else that warranted me staying alive,â I revealed as the Statue of Liberty came into view. We walked to the gate and stopped. "So I hired a hitman to kill me."

A small smile played on her face. It was as if she had forgiven me, it didn't matter to her and she would help me get out of this. She reached into her pocket and pulled out a small gun. "I know, dumbass. I am the one you hired to kill you. If you had ever bothered to listen to me, I have told you time and again I am a trained killer."

"What?" Let this be a lesson to other men out there, always listen to your ladies. She put the gun to my heart and pulled the trigger. Casually she pushed me into the river and watched as the current started pulling me away. There was a trail of blood but nobody would even notice. My final thought before being swept under was why were there no people around, how had she pulled this off.

What had started off at the beginning of the month as something to add spice to my life had needed it. If only Iâd listened to my wife.