Darkness

The endless darkness

I feel like there is and endless hole in my soul.

I tried to fill it up with friends and being nice to everyone, taking all the insult they say to my and think well they don't know me, and saying to them: "that i take it like, a complimet" But the truth it hurt me so much, even now many years later thinking about it.

Did i do something wrong, with this life off mine or im i just cursed to fill this endless hole in my heart.

I tried to fill it up with god, and that worked for a year ot to, but then i remembered all the bad things again, and the fact that nothing last forever, that hurt my heart as well.

I tried to fill it up with love, not that love you feel when you fall in love, but that love that i dedicate my life for them and only them, did everything they wanted form me or what i chould do, but that just left me with a neverendig river off tears inside, and the fear off being close to anybody that i love or feel that i falling in love whit.

There where many ladies i thougt about, they where nice and that i wanted to date them, but then the fear and the endless river came and told me you know better then to fall in love.

But what hurts me the most, is that no one can see this pain or feel it like i do, and everytime i break a promise, or a promise is broken by another that i care about, that hurts so much like having your heart broken a 1000 times and then i cut them off, or someone ells from my life that doesn't have a big plads in my heart.

I sort off feel that i'm becoming less human, everytime it happens my heart is closing the door, and the warm feelings i had once become colder.

But occasionally i open the door just a little, so i does't go crazy, and to manipulate other people to do things my way.

I am a monster or sometimes i wonder, then i be a sad little monster, that can make others do as i please sometimes.

my life until now 27-06-2015.