Changing What Has Been Established

She yells...
I listen while I'm holding down the emotions that are clustered together in me.

Since I can remember, I have always been taught that a man can only go to bed with a woman, and that a woman can only go to bed with a man. For years, I was forced to hide what I felt.

Growing up wasn't easy. Since I can remember, I always had an attraction towards men. Women didn't feel appealing. Rather, they disgusted me and I couldn't imagine myself introducing my penis into a woman's intimate part. I always felt I had the right to change things, and instead of a vagina, the penis could penetrate a man's anus. Watching men in the streets, at the beach, on TV were all things I enjoyed. Not calling myself a pervert, I had my sexuality well defined. Sex wasn't something important to me. However, I did think about it once I had my orientation well defined. Education was what mattered to me. Being Valedictorian and getting into Harvard were all things that made me happy. I loved spending nights with my family, with the friends I knew, and with the people who considered me as part of their lives. I was a happy person, but when it came to being open with my family and feeling good about what gender I felt attraction towards, I was as unhappy has the man who has lost everything in life.

I was scared of my family. My family was very conservative and traditional-believing that being homosexual was wrong. I wanted to give them confidence, but I couldn't because I didn't know how they would react if they found out about the truth. Throughout my adolescence and young adulthood years, I hid the fact I was gay. My parents were always telling me how they couldn't wait for me to have a wife and give them grandchildren. I cried many times because I knew they would bring those wishes with them to the graves. I was depressed, I admit it. I felt unhappy that I couldn't speak up. I felt I was trapped between a wall and sword.

It was on an Oakland morning of 1996 that my family and everyone around me found the truth about my sexuality. I was desperate. Secretly throughout the past, I went on dates with men, kissed men, and even had sex with them. I never went beyond that. Fortunately, I never masturbated nor watched porn because I knew I had to maintain my morality and good characteristics. That week, my whole family went on a trip to Guatemala, my native country. At that time, I had a boyfriend who's name was Aaron. He was a white 23-year old guy who was super humble. He was in college as well an he had a great heart. He was tall, had blond hair, and had a beautiful light skin. That day, on December 14, it was birthday, To celebrate it, I invited Aaron to my family's house, who had given me their key because I was on break. That night, Aaron and I listened to music, drank wine, and had a wonderful night. We spent it eating and watching movies, as well as sharing stories about our lives. The move I made that day was my worst mistake,

I had been going out with him for a year. Since I knew my family wouldn't arrive until the afternoon of the next day, I decided it was the time for me to have sex with Aaron. We spoke about it and I knew my parents had a bundle of condoms in their bedroom. Being prepared, we were scared but excited. Starting very passionately, I felt everything would turn out good. We spend the night loving each other and showing our affections by fucking each other mutually, To tell you the truth, the experience was wonderful. It felt so good and it was something intense and new that I loved. For us, it was a time of love and nothing else...



The next morning...


I felt a shake. I knew someone wanted to wake me up. Thinking it was Aaron, I told him, "What's up babe. I had a wonderful night. What happened?." Opening my eyes, I was in shock to find my parents standing in front of me. Looking around me, I saw no sign of Aaron. Looking down the floor, I saw blood and I knew immediately something had gone wrong.

My parents were crying and I wanted to explain to theM what had happened and reveal to them the truth. However, instead of listening, they started screaming, yelling, and hitting me, I was on the floor, naked, trying not to cry. I felt like my world had ended. No matter what I did, I couldn't get their attention. I just heard insults and reprimands..

No more than 10 minutes passed when my parents had left. I didn't notice since the whole time I had my face covered since I felt ashamed. It took me time to relax myself. I cleaned up and immediately called Aaron. Responding, he sounded worried and upset. Without say a lot, he told me he loved me, that he wouldn't levee me, and that he wanted to see me. As I prepared to leave, I called my parents, but did not receive a response.

I stayed in their apartment for 2 hours until they had arrived. When they arrived, they did not look at me. They just told me, "Sean, take your stuff and leave." I couldn't believe it. I couldn't explain anything nor could I see my sisters. Things occurred so fast. I had to leave. No matter what I did, I couldn't change things. In an instant my life had changed....

When months passed, I learned that I no longer had a family, No one else but my parents knew the truth. From what I discovered, my parents told everyone else I had died. No one ever saw my "body". There was never a funeral, a memorial, or a tomb with my name. I just knew I no longer existed for them. The only person I had was Aaron and I was forced to be a new person.

The day of the event, I found myself alone. Leaving my family's home, I learned a lot about them. I finally knew the truth. I should have never considered my parents family, nor anyone else. I figured out my family was always fucked up and that they deserved to be a terrible conditions due to the ways they viewed things.

Feeling better, I crossed the street and called Aaron to meet up. That day marked a new chapter in my life.

Today, I am Camilo Lawrence, who works as an engineer in New York. I am happily married with Aaron Menz, a doctor and we have to adorable twins, Ana and Bella, who we adopted. I am a new me. Sean and his life no longer exist...



Oh, and... I am proudly gay and can now lift up my flag with no fear.