Flames

Alice couldn't pin point the exact moment it began. She only knew her nightmares became more of a reality than dreams. Trapped like a feral animal in a wire cage. Willing to gnaw off any limb in order to free herself. Perhaps in the fight or flight response... perhaps it was much darker than she had imaged.

Alone, in the bath, Alice thought about the last few years. Tried ignoring the painful resounding moments. Take the death of her father as example. She always tried to push that from her memory. His last words the night before he bled to death.
"I love you Alice,happy birthday my Bella love."

In the silence, she tried to drown that memory. Sipping from the wine doctors advised strongly against. Alice eyed the pill bottle on the counter. The one her husband placed there after belittling her and making her feel less than she already did half the time anyway. The pills that screamed, "EAT ME".

His voice still ringing in her ears.

"For the love of God Alice, would you get your head on straight. I swear I worry more about you than our children."
Sinking lower into the heated water, Alice made a face in disgust. It was always something she had done wrong. Tonight it was because she didn't jump at a sound that he heard and run to check the youngest two. After she explained the muscles in her legs were beyond cramped. She could barely move. A side effect, the doctors called it.. of one of the many pills they shoved her way.

Again, Alice looked to the pills. These for sleep, and pondered a moment about taking the whole bottle. Escaping forever into her lost tormented wonderland. Guilt leaked in almost immediately after the thought. What kind of mother would leave her children. Abandoning them to be raised by a father with no imagination. No sense of true magic. Oh but the thought arose, many times a day it would seem.

She decided not to fight him tonight. Not to lash out with hurtful words as he so often did to her. Though he never seemed to realize they were hurtful. After all, he only saw the black and white.. never the shades of grey between.

As the facet dripped, Alice thought of wonderland. Longed for the madness of the world she created.. mostly she longed for the Hatter and his skillful hands and mouth. Something she lost feeling for years ago.

She loved her husband, fiercely and without limits. She gave all that she was.. because of fear. Fear of being labeled as so many single mom's were in her small town. She loved him, but not enough to stay with him. The March hare taught her that.. the Cheshire cat loved to remind her that the knave tried to save her.. tried in vain. He couldn't save her any more than she could save herself. So she married, for love. And it cost her, her life. Her soul and now slowly... it cost her those last strands of sanity. All to stay with a man she grew to hate to love.

No she wasn't sure when it began. She knew deep down, she should end it. Stop the flood of tears and burning anger. She knew. But Alice did nothing. Instead she reached for the bottle.. took a pill, drowned it back with wine...and waited to embrace the flames that was her life. Perhaps, after she awoke. Something will have changed.. then again, time always proved otherwise.

Rising from the tub, her legs weak. The second her knees buckled Alice knew. The rabbit watched, his eyes empty and black. She extended her hand, her lips curving. The bathroom door opened. She heard his voice through the fog.
"Fuck me Alice, what have you done now." Alice glared up at him, her changing Amber eyes settling for green in their color.
"Go away, I don't want nor need your help."
Still strong arms lifted her from the cold tiles. Alice listened to him rant about her phone going off, something about the time. She drifted through his words. She kept her eyes on the rabbit and the twisted familiar smile that lingered near her husband's head.
"Hello there Chess," Alice mumbled. Her husband placed her smartly on the bed. He continued to rant, handing her clothes to wear. She put them on, only because she knew the flames were growing stronger. Soon, she would be nothing but ash. Then again, who would care??