Ramblings of me.

Sometimes I wonder just how long I can go through this cycle of knowing and not knowing. Everyone says when one door opens, another one will close. But what if I want all the doors to be open and to have a nice breeze floating through my mind? I pride myself on being a decisive and patient individual. But what should I do when those two qualities are tested and tested and tested? How is it that I am so quickly able to analyze the relationships and lives of my friends and family, when I can't even be bothered to take my own advice regarding these similar matters? "Obviously this person is just not that into you; why are you letting her get into your head so much? Why can't you see that you were better off without her?  Why do you do this to yourself? Why do you do this to yourself?  Why the fuck do you do this to yourself?"

You think with this much insight into other people's problems; I would be able to finally fucking figure out what the hell I'm doing. Why the fuck do you do this to yourself?

You pride yourself on being a strong and independent female. You buy a house. You have a career. You are okay with the fact that even though you might be single for the rest of your life; you have traveled, you have seen the world, and you know how the world works. Yet, you make one decision that leads to another, that leads to you so wrapped up in your own little head, that you can't escape the prison of your mind. The what-ifs, the whys, the holy shit what am I doings.

How is it that one person, one moment can make you question all of the decisions that you have already made in your life? How can one person make you question your very being? This is the lifeblood that you have had for 26 years. How can one person make you see how your amazing life, can be better? Or how your amazing life can be turned upside down in an instant and make you more confused than you have ever been in your amazing life.

This is the reality of opening yourself up to the world. Stay closed. Stay guarded. Stay in control. This is the advice I have been telling myself for years. How did I slip up? How did I let this happen? How can I make it stop?  Do I even want it to stop?

I've never been one to crave the pain and drama or self destruction...or have I? Weren't my earlier years spent thriving on the excitement of possibly getting caught, making sure I did every destructive thing possible? Don't I look back at that time in my life and cringe? Then these past years; I've finally gotten all my shit together. I thought I had grown up from this. So why is this one person making me regress to these self-destructive patterns. Why do you do this to yourself? Why do you let this person control your brain? But they aren't even controlling it. You are the one who builds these things up so much in your brain, and tear them down. Get out of your head. Go back. Don't get caught up in the riptide of love. You don't need it. Do you?

I want love. I want that feeling of someone holding me and telling me that everything will be okay. So are you that person?  I will try to be patient. I will try to be decisive. I will try to let you into my life. I don't know if I will be able to. But damn it, I want it. I want it so badly. I want you so badly. Please take my hand. Tell me everything will be okay.

Get me out of my head. And into your heart.

I'm ready. Are you?