Planet Paradise

“What a beautiful world!” enthused Lieutenant James Sandford, “How could anything go wrong there?”

Captain David Black: “Believe me, Jimmy, it almost certainly has! When you have to rescue the rescuers, you know you got trouble.”

Sue Smith (Science Officer): “But Sir, there’s no sign of alien technology down there, no active volcanoes or ‘quakes. The weather is perfect everywhere…”

Black: “I’m afraid we have to assume the worst. Aliens with stealth technology, super-viruses, all manner of deadly life-forms. We’re going to have to behave like we’re landing on a plague infested Venus or Pluto.”

The captain was right of course. We hadn’t lost an exploration ship with 500 crew members and their would-be rescuers for nothing. Most people knew Captain Tom Henderson and his intrepid rescue crew: they would be the last team to come unstuck on a recovery mission. Yet they had lost radio contact with Tom and company as soon as they’d touched down. Something was wrong, very wrong. Yet looking at that planet, rightly called “Paradise”, on that viewscreen made everything seem so surreal.

There was nothing surreal about what happened next. Their star-battleship “The Invincible” was in a parking-orbit over Paradise. So the three of them plus four more crew-members donned armoured suits. This wasn’t too popular amongst them: these suits were bulky and heavy. They could indeed withstand the furnace-heat and pressure of Venus, or the ice-cold of Pluto. The captain wasn’t taking any chances. The team were to land together in their most heavily armoured shuttlecraft.

After a routine flight, they landed in a lovely tropical-forest clearing. They were getting a single distress-signal from about 2 miles away. A simple walk through the jungle would bring them to their target.

Five of the seven set off, led by Dave, the captain. Although the atmosphere was perfectly breathable and the weather gorgeous, they were not allowed to open their visors. Within two minutes they were all glad of these seemingly over-the-top precautions.

Suddenly they were surrounded by a harsh buzzing sound and engulfed by a great cloud of wasps! They were under attack! The flame-thrower was deployed, but made little impact in such a massive cloud of insects.

Dave: “Let’s keep going! Maybe we can out-walk them.”

Again the Captain was right. As the team left the “territory” of the wasps, that deadly swarm just let them go.

Dave: “Okay, we’re clear. Sue, check the damage please.”

Sue: “Yes Sir…MMM, suits show superficial bite damage. We seem to have ourselves some ‘Piranha Wasps’. Don’t think a regulation suit would have withstood them.”

Dave: “Imagine if you’d had your visor open, or your helmet off! Better press on.”
So they began to slash their way through the jungle.

A yell! They all turned. Sam Mohammed at the back was gone, yet they could hear him shouting! There he was: about fifteen feet in the air, hanging from some giant flower! Instinctively they all turned their laser-guns onto the great stalk that had evidently pounced on poor Sam. Thankfully those guns were effective and they were soon helping Sam to his shaky feet. This planet was looking worse and worse.

At the next clearing they rested and took stock of the situation. It was well established that “Paradise” was teeming with a fantastic variety of life. Most of the planet was a tropical paradise. However, it was clear now that much of that life was deadly to Mankind. For years we had wished to find a world so verdant and full of life. But as the saying goes, be careful what you wish for.

Sam: “Hey guys! The trees look closer!”

They were! In fact the trees were now moving, hemming them in!
The flame-thrower was deployed. These trees were on the attack. Laser-guns were fired in futile self-defence.

Dave (on radio): “Mayday! Mayday! Under attack! From…trees!”

The trees kept coming, waving their branches in a wild fury. But then the shuttle appeared overhead and opened fire on the trees with battle-laser-cannon. It worked.

The trees backed off then squeezed their way back through the “normal” jungle.

Dave (on radio): “Thanks lads. Better keep covering us up there.”

“Aye Aye Captain!” came the radio-reply from Debbie on board the shuttle.

At last they reached their objective: a small cave located on a quiet-looking hillside. Dave entered first. He kept shouting, “Anyone home?”

Presently a dishevelled head appeared from around a corner: Tom Henderson.
Tom: “Stay back! Who are you?”

Dave: “I’m Dave Black. Here to rescue you Tom.”

Tom: “Are you real? Or are you bastard Mentoids messing with my mind again?”

Dave: “We’re real, Tom.”

Tom: “No you’re not, it’s a fracking trap isn’t it? Go away!”

A blast rang out from behind Dave. It was a stun-gun. Tom fell but Dave caught him.

Jimmy: “Hope that was okay Sir. I thought he might get dangerous.”

Dave: “Yes thanks Jimmy. Right call soldier.”

They carried Tom outside.

Dave: “Six to beam up Debbie. I’m not taking any more chances.”

A few hours later, Dave visited Tom on “The Invincible” in sick-bay.

Dave: “So tell me Tom, who or what are these ‘Mentoids’?”

Tom: “They are the pits, Dave. Evil locals with scary mental powers. They put on a reception committee when we landed. Appeared as friendly humanoids. Led us into a trap. Later they showed up as shiny yellow orbs. Telepathy, telekinesis, teleportation…they have the lot. Okay so they let me live so I could ‘warn others’ but that’s the only good I have to say about them.”

A crew member dashed in now.

Dave: “Yes, Ensign Rogers?”

Rogers: “Sir, we’ve found the black boxes.”

A few weeks later Dave and Tom were sitting before an Enquiry Commission back on Earth. Admiral Stephen Jones was Chair.

Jones: “Man-eating wasps and plants, trees like Triffids, super-shape-shifters with incredible mental powers…all manner of dangers. Have I missed anything gentlemen?”

Dave: “Apparently there were some enormous dinosaurs roaming around too sir. Then there were the flying fish, the killer spiders… But worst of all, sir, in some areas there were deadly bacteria and viruses which nearly contaminated our ship.”

Jones: “Would it be fair to say, then, that this planet is just too ‘lively’ for human habitation?”

Tom: “Yes, Sir.”

Jones: “Agreed. It pains me to say this, ladies and gentlemen, but I have to declare the planet ‘Paradise’ off-limits. Any objections anyone?

There was silence.

Paul Butters