Revelation

I’d never felt like this with anyone before. There was a detachment between my thoughts and what my body was wanting, imploring, doing with some long slumbering desire that now awake all but choked out any rationale thinking I attempted. In a maddening revelation I suddenly understood every romantic cliche I’d ever read. I watched my hand in disjointed anticipation, my heart stuttering in my chest as my fore finger made contact with Jace’s chest. I watched in fascination as it traveled downward only to be stopped by the second button of his plaid shirt.

“Stop.”

What?

I placed my open hand against his chest feeling the heat of his flesh and the rhythmic beating of his heart. How could such a simple physical interaction create this raging fire I felt inside? I could feel what ever breath of sanity I still retained giddily run off in complete abandonment.

“Billy, you need to stop.”

Stop? My heart that was racing off came grinding to a crashing halt, catching in my throat as my mind tried to process what Jace was telling me. His voice may have only been a whisper but the firmness in his tone left no question in what he’s just said. With my hand still on his chest I looked up into those brown eyes that had melted my heart just moments ago. Those eye’s were now half lidded, looking past me to the ground. Jace gently took my wrist removing my hand from his chest. My heart now firmly lodged in my throat kept me from uttering more than a whimper.

My mind raced to understand what I had done wrong. Oh my God, was I only fooling myself? I thought Jace cared for me as more than just a friend. I thought he liked me. What had I been thinking? I was only 17 and he was 23 but I thought he saw me as more than just some, some kid. His hand that was still holding me by my wrist slid into my hand.

Before I could think further I blurted out, “What did I do wrong?” I tried to pull my hand free, tears edged their way into the corners of my eyes. I was confused and I was angry for the fool I was making of myself. First for reaching out to him like I had and now for crying in front of him. And why wouldn’t he give me my damn hand back? I wanted to do what I did best and run far away from him but he wrapped my hand in his pulling it back to his chest.

He slowly raised his head looking into my eyes. His brows furrowed in some untold pain. A tear, his tear struck my hand. My body shuddered as if I’d been shot.

“Billy, I can’t.”

“Can’t what?”, I asked my tears mingling now with his. “Can’t love me?” Wow, where did that come from? Is that what I was wanting, for Jace to love me? I hadn’t even put my feelings into words in my own head let alone process them and yet here I was asking him. “Can’t,” I whispered afraid to ask, “or don’t?”

The soft groan that came from Jace was like a dying animal giving up its last breath. “Can’t.”

I felt like a lemming heading for the cliff, but I still had to ask, “Why?”

“Because I’m not what you need. I don’t have what you need.”

I was caught completely off guard by that comment. I thought he was going to bring up my age but now I was totally lost. “Jace, I don’t understand. What do you think it is I need?”

“Oh Billy,” he said shaking his head. He staggered back suddenly letting go of my hand. “I have to sit down.”

“Sure,” I helped steady him, holding his forearm as he stepped back to the front porch and sat on the steps. I stood there looking at him as he adjusted his prosthetic. He patted the step next to himself looking up at me with a weary expression. “I need to explain something to you.”

The way he said that I wasn’t so sure now I wanted to hear what he was about to reveal. I sat down staring straight out towards the street not wanting to make eye contact. A car slowly went by making it’s way up the street the passengers oblivious to the sound of my breaking heart. I wondered if I wouldn’t rather be with them, driving anywhere, other than being right here. What had started out as the best moment in my life now had the oppressed feeling of an oncoming storm.

Jace sniffled clearing his throat. I decided I’d rather face up to what ever he was about to say and turned towards him. I watched as he sat massaging his right thigh.

“I like you Billy… a lot.”

My heart started pounding a little faster and I could feel my face blush but I held my breath waiting for the other shoe to drop.

“There’s a 5 year age difference between us…”

Here it comes, I thought.

“… but my grandparents had 7 years between them and they made it work so it’s not that. I told you how I lost my leg.”

“From an IED.”

“If I didn’t like you as much as I do. If I didn’t think you were as mature as I think you are… This just isn’t something you share and certainly not with women. Especially ones, like you.

“What?” He was really starting to worry me.

“Do you want to have kids someday?”

“Huh?” Woah, where the heck did that come from? Kids? What was he asking about kids for? “Jace, you’re confusing me.”

“Billy, have you ever thought about having kids?”

“I guess in an abstract someday sort of thing I have, but it’s not something I’m thinking about right now.”

“Well, it’s something I need you to think about - right now.”

“I don’t understand what you’re asking Jace. Yes, someday I guess I’d like to have a couple of kids. Is that what you wanted to hear?”

Jace looked towards me and the look on his face was that of a dog that had just been kicked. He looked back down in front of his feet and sighing said, “No not really.”

I blew out an exasperated sigh, staring at him wishing I could bore into his head too figure out what was going on in there. We both sat in silence. I could tell he was working his way to explain himself and I just needed to give him time to pull himself together.

“Billy, my leg wasn’t the only thing I lost.”

I heard what he said but my brain wasn’t adding things up or maybe I didn’t want it to. I didn’t want to put together what he’d been asking with what he just told me. I suddenly had the thought I was too young to hear this kind of thing. I mean I wasn’t oblivious to a guys anatomy but this wasn’t the kind of conversation that ever came up in sex ed class. I was grossed out and at the same time had a gazillion questions. Every time I tried to picture, well I just couldn’t. I guess I’d sat there thinking it over longer than I thought I had because Jace had to bring me back by asking if I understood what he meant. “I, yeah, I guess so,” I stumbled over my words not knowing what to say. What the heck would anyone say to this kind of revelation?

I didn’t know what I was supposed say or do under the circumstances, but what I found myself doing without even thinking about it was standing up, and taking a couple of steps away from him.

“Billy?” There were a multitude of questions wrapped into the way he said my name.

“I have to… I have to think, I have to go.” I felt numb and my brain kept flashing through everything that had just happened and been said. Over and over it played out without gaining any clarity. While I did what I did best. Ran.