They Tried to Make me go to Rehab

          I didn't know what I was doing. I'd be too high on weed, or overdosed on xanax to realize how I was acting. Everyone decided on an intervention. By everyone I'm reffering to my parents and boyfriend. It was not the sappy "I love you, I care about you, and you should seek out help. It was more like get the fuck back in the behavoiral hospital or you're going to lose everyone. Everyone includes my son. That snapped me into being willing to go, again.

         The first time I went I was dealing with severe anxiety, PTSD, and bipolar. Needless to say, I was in a living hell. I only talked alone to a therapist. I never spoke in groups. I had too much social anxiety.

         This go around has been so much better. I was coming off of a xanax overdose the first day. All the nurses and doctors basically told me I could die and I was immediatly sent to the emergency room. I had blood tests, an EKG, and I couldn't stay awake. My son kept popping into my head. He needs his mommy, a healthy mommy. I was literally slapped by the nurse to wake me up. They were really worried. I had to leave in a wheel chair. I had sea legs. It hit me then and there that I needed a full life change.

         I went home that night still messed up. My eyes wouldn't stay open, and embarassingly enough I peed the bed because I was so knocked out. I woke up feeling much better. Still had trouble with my balance, but that passed as the day continued.

         In just two days I have realized some strengths. I was very social. With strangers, group members, and nothing bad happened. That was my worst fear when I had social anxiety. I think I am going to gain a lot of friendships. People think of a 'psych ward' having crazy ass people, like you see in movies. It's not. Lose that stigma right now. We are all normal people trying to better ourselves.

         The other thing that suprised me was I, for the first time, talked to my whole group about being molested by a family member for years, then violently raped... knife to the neck and all.

         I felt a lot of compassion from everyone. The therapist actually asked me to stay after to thank me for being so brave to share that. It was tough, but I dealt with that issue the first time I was in the behavioral hospital. I vowed to put everything on the table this time.

         This time I'm mostly in for rehab. I used to drink a bottle or two of wine every single night. I did succesfully stop drinking since mid-January 2015. The only problem was that I exchanged alcohol with weed and xanax. I lost my short-term memory. That right there was so scary. I always looked fucked up. My eyes would droop. I'd have slurred speech. My boyfriend even threatened to leave me. He wanted the girl he fell in love with to get back to being her true self. I couldn't blame him. He was getting so worried.

         So far I have learned some coping methods, hence the writing. As I write I listen to my favorite songs. I'm a romantic, so R&B is soothing to me. I look at my son and see my main reason to get better. I am glad he is still a baby. Not old enough to quite understand, or remember this horrible low in my life. I only did the drinking, smoking, and pills at night, when boyfriend was home. I was still messing up my early memories with him though.

         As I said, this was only my second day so stayed tuned and join my journey. I will try to share everything I learn. I hope just one person finds inspiration from this. It's going to be a long road, but I'm 100% ready for it.



3.21.2015

         I had no treatment today because it's Saturday. I go Monday - Friday. I'm feeling anxious, home alone with my boy. No contact with anyone.

         The reason I have no outside contact stems back to when I cheated on my boyfriend  2 years ago. With drugs, comes risky behavior. I went to visit girl friends one night, and made a detour on my way home. I am sure you can guess where. I basically told him I am very close to being engaged and I truely have to take him out of my life or I'll lose my family.

         My dad called me the next day because my boyfriend told him what I did. My father threatened that if he ever sees his number in my texts or call logs he'd shut off my phone. Stupid me, I went and texted the guy and told him about my father's threat.

         My boyfriend glanced over and noticed I had texted him. My phone ended up in the pond behind our house. I still have no phone and no landline. So I can reach no one. Not even 911.

         My anxiety on a 1 - 10 scale is about an 8. Number one, its dangerous not to have a way to reach someone in case of emergency. Number two, he forgot to give me my daily paxil both yesterday and today, after many reminders. My parents told him to be in charge of my medicine. I agreed with it, up until now. Number three, my son has his first ear infection ever. He screamed and cried for about 2 hours. I tried every home remidy I know, to no avail. I'd go to the store and get him ear drops, but as usual I was left with no money and no carseat.

         I agree with some of these theories, but overall I feel so isolated. I HATE being alone. I need to learn how to be okay with that. As far as the phone, that's bull shit. He said he'd get me a track phone. I still don't have one. And there's no reason I can't have an iPhone. If I really wanted to pursue the man I cheated with, it would happened. It's like he's trying to lock me in a box. He even had a gps secretly on the phone he threw in the pond. He's happy, as for me, I am honestly feeling detached from him. I know I need help with my addicitions, that's understandable. I feel like a child, unable to make any of my own desicions.

         For me, I'd call this a bad day on my road to recovery. I'm shaky and just want to cry. I'd pray, but that'd be hypocrtical because I don't have a religion. I don't believe in god. I need to believe in me and find whatever strength I have to get through today.