Some Thoughts Behind One of My Poems.

I found this in a journal I had written some of my thoughts in. My life was pretty messed up back then. I divided it into sections by myself.

First, the poem:

Never see me
I'm so tired of trying to be
A false flower
Everything that I ever knew
Just fades away

I am as mixed up as I ever could be
And there is a great big hole,
In me

I strive to understand,
Me,
And the words that you have said

I try to make you understand
What I have said

But to no use

You will never understand
What I have said
The feelings in me
If you could just listen
Please, just for me

I beg

I love you

wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

Then, my thoughts:

Never see me - I'm not sure what I meant there, but there are a few possibilities. The first one is the way I feel in math: I don't want to be seen. The other possibilities are more likely though. I was lonely at the time (luckily I had mostly stopped throwing fits of rage). So perhaps I wanted more friends - or thought everybody ignored me.

I'm so tired of trying to be - Be what everybody expects me to be, I just couldn't live up to the challenge.

A false flower - That refers to my name, actually. And that I'm not as good as everyone thinks I am. I am not surprised if any more people think like that.

I'm so tired of trying to be,
A false flower - I like making lines that have a seperate meaning, and a meaning together. This is only one of the few. This one mean pretending to be someone I'm not.

Everything that I ever knew - It sounds like I was confused about who I am, or remembering a happier past.

Just fades away - Like I felt I was just in the background, like a ghost? Like I was tired and didn't want to endure it anymore? Probably both, but this line doesn't really have any meaning, it's just a "decoration", it just sounds pretty, until you put it together with the line beforeit.

Everything that I ever knew
Just fades away - I felt I was a ghost or something like that, probably. Like I didn't really exist, but had existed.

I am as mixed up as I ever could be - I didn't know if I belonged. I had some friends, but most (of my classmates) were too... ordinary, for me. And then ther are my sisters. One (out of three) of them was giving me a really hard time, and trust me - she still is, but it's not as bad anymore. She would exaggerate everything I did to her, as if it was mean, or hurt her, and scream when I only stroked her head. (All of my sisters are younger than me.) I guess my temper, and self control, didn't help. (I mean through third and fourth and possibly even first, second and fifth my self control was bad.) And then my two youngest sisters would do absolutely anything the second eldest sister would say. IT was very, very, VERY annoying.

And there is a great big hole, - I don't know, I was missing something. And I used such a common term, maybe in hopelessness. I usually try to think of different ways of putting things, simply because I like being different.

In me - What are my thoughts made out of? how do I work? What are my real intentions? What is on the inside? This simple phrase asks all those questions.

And there is a great big hole
In me - An emptiness that needs filled by friendship?

I strive to understand, - Trying to understand my life is a horrible experience. There are so many different parts, like I'm living ifferent lives all at once. I'm the only one that could possibly understand, except for God.

Me, - Me, me, me... I am a human you understand, so I am selfish and think about me. But I am different. Sometimes I pretend I am writing a story (about myself), so I'll think about myself in third person. Like: So she kicked the stone, again and again, not caring if she got in anyone's way.

And the words that you have said - The sister who was exaggerating started saying she hated me.

I strive to understand
Me,
And the words you have said - What did she hate so much about me? What was wrong with me?

I try to make you understand
What I have said - That I loved her and didn't want her to be mad (and I still love her).

But to no use - She is very stubborn, you can call me that too, when I decide to do things I will do them, my way, and she still says she hates me, though not as much.

But to no use
You will never understand - My feelings. I'm saying to my sister she will never understand my feelings.

You will never understand - Talking to everybody, about me. My thoughts are mine, and nobody, except for God and me, understands how they work.

What I have said - My words have more meaning than anybody knows. Two meanings... Possibly even three.

You will never understand
What I have said - She didn't know how much meaning there was behind my words, the words I said to her.

The feelings in me - Sometimes, just sometimes, I feel like I'm going to explode.

You will never understand
The feelings in me - Sometimes, just sometimes, I feel like I'm going to explode, because nobody who can talk to me on earth can really understand my feelings.

If you could just listen - A fair question to the exaggerating sister
Please, just for me - Pleading.

I beg - To stop myself from falling into hopelessness.

Please, just for me
I beg - That sounds selfish.

I love you - I really do love all my sisters.