Ashamed

In the dark night
she quietly sits
Her babies are sleeping
she is again restless.

Her husband is driving
Working through the night
Her babies are peaceful
safely tucked in tight.

What is she to do
about this aching pain inside?
It only gets worse
showing her no respite.

It isn't her babies' fault
But she knows they will cry
It isn't her husband's fault
It's no ones fault, ALL RIGHT?

But it hurts
and it won't go away
All those years of lies
she is facing today

And she sits quiet
in the dark night
the loaded .38
in her lap held tight

She knows she is crazy
but she cannot help it this night
She is so scared and lost
and it hurts too much to fight

Slowly she stands
resolve settling within
She grabs some change
for a phone call to a friend

The .38 is tucked in a pocket
as she leaves her babies asleep
Hurrying two blocks away
to a pay phone to weep.

Her friend picks up
sleep sounding so thick
She explains she needs help
please come over her babies are sick.

Her friend is quiet
but then agrees to come by
She thanks her profusely
then hangs up before she can cry.

It's a short walk to the river
and to the levy paths
She looks at reflected lights
as the river quietly flows past.

"I just want the pain to stop
Is this so much to ask?"
She pleads tearfully
the .38 now in her hands.

She hasn't left the usual trails
a suicide usually shows
She did call a friend over
to watch her babies though

She imagines her friend's confusion
as she enters the quiet house
All three of her babies will be sleeping
Their mother no where around.

No note saying where she went
will ever be found
No one to know her terrible secret
the one haunting her profound

Not even her diary
will be able to tell
she burned it this night
the ashes of her thoughts sent to hell

A strange thought crosses her mind
as the .38 goes into her mouth
Women don't use guns
most prefer to take pills

But as she pulls the trigger
she finds an inner consolation
she is a lesbian
God will take that into consideration.

Does she feel anything
as the bullet explodes her brain?
I don't know
All I know is she wanted to stop her pain.

originally written: 2 August 2001

revised last verse: 27 May 2003

From:
Does she feel any pain
as the bullet explodes her brain?
I don't know
All I know is she wanted to stop her pain.


to:

Does she feel anything
as the bullet explodes her brain?
I don't know
All I know is she wanted to stop her pain.



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