Clarity (Part 2 of 2)

Going through the back door, I wound up in the parking lot. Amy swung her car around and I got in; we took off to leave for the rest of the day. We drove to our favorite burger joint, drove thru, and parked.

"Ooh, Jay kissed you in the middle of class," Amy said coyly.

"He kissed my forehead, nothing special,"

"Oh really, Selena? Do you like him?" she asked.

"I think I do," I said, feeling my face redden.

Amy giggled quietly.

"Well what's going on with you and Alex?" I asked, regretting it immediately.

Amy kind of froze up; ceasing her own existence with her own mind. I could see the ghost of tears haunt her cerulean eyes, sparkling specters saddening that poor girl.

"We broke up," said Amy as she looked up in a sorrowful smile. Regret and guilt dialed her eyes together.

"What happened?" I asked noting her pitiful expression.

Trying to find suitable words or phrases, Amy finally said she cheated. Hearing her story made me feel a merciful resentment towards her like watching a child pick a scab. She sounded so lost in herself, but she was my best friend; I didn't dare think any less of her. Struggling to find my thoughts, I remained quiet after she finished her story.

"Don't worry about Alex, you'll get back together," I said.

Amy squeezed her own arm tightly while she listened to me.

"If my mother can forgive me for being such a stoner, Alex can forgive you. That's what people do."

"I don't think so, Selena," Amy said, "He wouldn't even drive me home! He just left me outside in the parking lot. Mandy had to drive me home Sunday morning. Where were you?"



I remembered not to worry about my past. Just remember my mistakes, try again better, later.



"I was buying pot from a drug dealer. He gave me a discount... 'Cause I let him make out with me first."

"What?"

"We were just talking at first, he came on to me, and I was stuck in my head. I just wanted a joint, but he charged extra, douche. I paid the normal rate but I didn't have enough."

"What did you do?"

I gasped before I spoke, "I kissed the dirty bastard. God, it was so humiliating! He held me against the railing, scared the Christ out of me."

"Jesus, Selena,"

"I know. The worst part is that he... shoved it down my pants. I hide in the bathroom stall, scared shitless." I didn't tell Amy about the shame I felt when I had to pull the J out of my skinny jeans.

Clear streams of tears flowed down my face as we sat in the back of Amy's car.

"When you say you couldn't help yourself, I understand the feeling. Needing something you want, but you shouldn't have it," I said to Amy.

I looked up at Amy, and she was already crying. We held each other as we cried together. Selena and Amy; black cherry and grape. We were never this emotional; both of us crying like that; that was the first time Amy and I bonded so closely. Then I went and ruined it by kissing her blackened lips.

Shocked and scared, I instantly withdrew, fearing her reaction. I sat up against the door. Amy looked as if she threw up in her mouth. She blankly stared through me. I mumbled, "No," repeatedly, fearfully. Amy stared at me unconsciously, distantly configuring me back into a person.

"Amy..." I whispered as I reached for her hand.

"Amy..." I whispered as I tried making eye contact. When she looked at me again, my bangs had completely parted so my eyes were visible.

"Don't tell anyone," Amy finally replied in a low tone.

"I won't," I promised.

"Selena, get out. Please," Amy commanded after I answered.

Feeling my heart sink, I pushed open the door, scrambling to escape. Leaving the door ajar, I bent over a few feet away, feeling my stomach swallowing my heart. I gasped for air, never catching my breath. I touched my bottom lip as it quivered uncontrollably. When I heard the car door shut behind me, I jumped three feet in the air, holding in a nervous gasp. When I saw Amy slow down in front of me, I looked up like a dear in the headlights.

Wearing a concerned look, Amy asked, "Would you like a ride home?"

Nodding, I quickly walked by her car and sat in the passenger seat. We didn't speak for the rest of the ride to my neighborhood. I grabbed my bag, sprinted to my front door, struggled with the key and broke in. I lay down on my bed. With the world spinning, I grabbed on to my piece. I lie there for hours, holding my pipe in sweaty hands like a cross in a corpse's casket. When I woke up Tuesday morning, I felt genuinely happy that I didn't try to smoke my problems away. Everything was going to be alright, ironically.



After lunch the day before, I was nothing but nerves. Sitting in first period, earlier than usual, I thought about how uplifting it would be to see Jay today. Almost hand in palm I waited for him to just walk into Math class right then. He would kick in the door, sprint into the desk next me and call my name.

"Selena Rodriguez," the teacher roll called.

"Present," I said, realizing that class was starting.

I turned back to door, hoping he would walk in soon. Suddenly, a boy walked in quickly, but it was just Alex; I sighed for my raised hopes. What a little girl I must've been. Then, after a minute, Jay and Amy scurried in through the threshold, Jay sat to my left, Amy sat to my right.

"Here," Amy blurted out, her name already called. The teacher shrugged and marked Amy Jones present.

I turned to Jay, but he was scowling at his notebook. I went to say his name but--

"Jay Maddox," the teacher called out; I heard whispers spring up around the class room.

"Here," Jay immediately yelled in a low voice. He still seemed frustrated and on edge.

"Hey..." I whispered as I was scooting closer to him.

"Oh hey Selena," he said with a faint smile.

"What's wrong Jay?" I asked hoping he would be OK.

"Nothing," he blankly said; clearly a bad liar.

"No, come on tell me," I said, pressing against his shoulder playfully. Immediately, I felt his muscles relax like heat to an icicle.

"It's nothing, Selena," Jay said firmly.

"You're lying," I told him, seeing if he would call my bluff.

He sighed unenthusiastically, "You should focus on class."

I wouldn't back down, "How can I do that when you're so grumpy?"

"I'll tell you later, alright?" Jay told me, relaxing his shoulders.

"That's fine with me," I said feeling a little defeated.

Turning to the board, I watched the teacher go in depth on why we'll somehow need radicals in life; nothing I didn't already know. Bored of the board, I tried talking with Amy, but she wasn't going to face me. She kept attention on the board or the teacher. I wish I hadn't kissed her, it was a mistake.

A mistake.

I didn't feel that way about her, but I can't tell her that now. Going on with class, without her coyness, made my sobriety feel heavier. Amy was there when I needed her, but what else could I do? Caught between my mistakes, I had to either sulk or pretend like I'm alright. I hate lying, and I wasn't getting anywhere with these two.



I'll get out rolling paper, and roll up in this next story.



"So what's wrong?" I asked Jay at lunch that day. We were on the other side of the building, tranquilly alone. When I wasn't talking with him, I could just listen to the world around us.

"I didn't mean to upset you in Math; I just had something on my mind,"

I leaned against his arm as he wrapped his arm around me.

"What was it?" I asked looking up at Jay.

"You have been distant lately," Jay stated blankly, as if he couldn't find a reason to try to sugar coat it.

"How long Jay?" I asked, holding a lump in my throat.

"You've barely noticed me until recently haven't you? You at least feel that way. Can't say I blame you, you've been baked out of your skull for how long?"

"It feels like it's been years," I said feeling a dulling numbness.

"I've known you since before you quit fencing. I remember you were up against Amy in a tournament," Jay explained to me.

"I barely even remember that..."

"You don't remember kissing her after the match?" Jay asked holding my hand firmly.

"I think so, it feels so long ago."

"It was. Do you even remember when we dated? Do you remember when we had sex? Do you remember when we broke up?"

"I don't. I can't remember Jay," I said. I started to feel my body drift off, physically trying to remember old memories.

"I can't remember Jay, I can't," I said in quick gasps, holding Jay's face up against mine."

"Remember this?" Jay asked; his lips so close to mine. I was so confused. It felt like one of us had our stories mixed up, but the warmth of his breathe made me remember how they first kissed me. I thought Amy and I only kissed once. The way Jay teased me, backing his lips away, they reminded me how both me and away hadn't talked in years. Nothing made sense, but that was enough to go on. Feeling his hand on the side of my face, I remember that Amy was distancing herself from everyone too. I couldn't remember how it was. I had my eyes open as Jay laid me on my back; I watched his eyes come back into focus before mine closed. When our lips reunited, I remembered who I was amidst the confusion.

I was so blind. I only saw the black cast upon the faces of those how weren't there anymore. I just wanted to hold on to what I could. Jay had come along, but I wasn't looking for another boy to look through me. It was the love I saw in him when we first met outside the school's office. I just arrived here, and he clung to me instantly. He wasn't the reason I moved schools, I was looking for Amy.

I had fallen for her skills as a duelist; the way her rapier sung through the air. I idealized that girl, clad in the traditional white gear that fit her so well. I never saw Amy lose, and I had been practicing to get her attention one day.

The same week that Jay asked me out, I had dueled Amy. We were so young and ambitious. It never seemed like either of us wanted the other to lose. Remembering how vigorously Amy came at me, I had to evade in pace. We were equals, no difference in skill. In the last moment of our match, we struck each other in the same instant. Not wanting to shame the person I deified so much, I forfeited the match. I told Amy to meet me outside; she followed. I approached her cautiously; she stepped back, I stepped forward. We dueled one last time in that moment, our movements so synchronized. I remember how Amy's lips felt; bittersweet emotion filled my mouth as I backed away.

Then, during my coup de grace, Jay shuffled around behind us. We had already broken up before then, but I remember the disappointment on his face; it was worse than my mother's after she found out I picked up smoking pot a week later. Jay's kiss was a reminder of the hollowness I felt now.

But he made it better.

Jay relieved me of that empty feeling.

Yet, this isn't when I tried making progress towards a goal.



After a drag off this J, I can tell you another story about Jay, a week later.



OK.



It was the first time he brought me over to his house, and it was... different. Instead of brown, dirty shingles, white, clear siding encompassed the lovely bi-level. The grass was so finely trimmed as if a league of hair stylists had combed the area completely. Even the trees seemed to be painted on, and everything was so elite. Walking up the driveway, I wondered who Jay really was. This place wasn't Spartan in the least, yet Jay carried himself so nonchalantly.

Some would say his house was perfect. Perfect doesn't exist, but it wouldn't change a thing anyway. I constantly questioned what was really behind this luxurious homestead. Entering that decedent foyer immediately pressured me. Suddenly I felt dirty, unwashed; family photos stared, watched. I held the bottom of my hair, which felt greasier than usually. Children's toys may have been scattered around the room, but even they reminded me of props on a set. Going stage by stage, I acted the curious outsider role. The unmarked criticisms of a nonexistent audience prodded at my fright. It was stage fright; I was nervous to perform for whatever dandy lived here.

Then, grabbing my hand, Jay was nodding upstairs, and I relaxed. Surrounded by this place, the walls judging my face, I reveled in Jay's company.

Holding my hand, Jay whispered, "Yeah, I don't like this place much either."

Looking down, seeing my crumbly old hoodie, my bloody skull shirt, and these black zipper jeans against the neatly groomed carpets made me stand contentedly out of place. Next to this boy, whose intent seemed to be showing me his world, I stopped fretting over this horrible house.  Confined in this odor ridden doll house, we were definitely not another paper doll chain couple.

I remember the queasy shifting in my stomach as he lead me up the stairs; the way he walked up, while holding my hand and keeping his eyes forward; he seemed so determined. Then I felt the queasiness burst into a pressure. Jay's parents weren't home from the sound of things, and he really wanted me upstairs. We stopped in front of the door to his room.

"Jay, wait before we--" I started before Jay turned and grabbed my other hand.

"Hold on a sec, you're going to love this," Jay said with that familiar reassurance in his voice. Before I could say more, he backed up against his door; it opened.

Jay's room: An expansive collection, a library of sound, lie before me. Jay's room was a merger between a studio and a library; books and instruments lined the walls. I spotted an actual album collection; I've never seen so many vinyls. Posters of bands hung in abundance, so many novels sat against furniture. Despite what a mess I thought his room looked like, there was plenty of free space. In actually, warm air hung heavy in the room, but I was too dazzled to notice.

Leaning his arm against his door frame, Jay watched as I was in awe.

I looked down at my shoes... feeling so in place. Jay's room was just an improvement of mine, and it was so comforting. Still, when I looked at Jay, I had a feeling he was pressuring me for something; I didn't know whether or not I should be relaxed.

Jay stepped closer to me, but I stepped back.

"Hey, what's wrong?" Jay said reacting to that nervous back step.

I exhaled, beginning a sentence, but he stopped me; there was a confused look on his face. Standing close to me, he rolled up my sleeves, one at a time; even his breathing was quiet. He stepped back holding my arms out in front of me like federal dossiers; what secrets was he searching for?

"What is it, Jay?" I asked feeling my stomach roll over on top of it.

"Your arms," Jay said, looking back up at me, "they're so clear."

For a long time we looked down at my arms, gently swaying almost as if in a dance.

"You're right," I said, "were you expecting--"

"Scars? Yes, I've seen so many."

"What if I told you that's not where you'd find them?" I asked, uncertainty crawling up my legs.

Jay grabbed me by the waist, laying his head in my shoulder as he unbuttoned my pants. I cringed and held on to Jay as the zipper tore down the front of my jeans. We maintained eye contact as Jay worked my pants down to my knees; I started breathing again after I slid my pants all the way down past my ankles.

I stood in a still-life painting; I watched my life being placed into an open canvas. Jay drew me in, holding my thighs.

"You don't have scars?" Jay asked our faces so close.

"I do, but they're healing," I said as our waists locked. I wrapped my left arm around Jay's neck as we kissed in the center of the room.



I'm smoking this joint now, yeah, but don't think I'm not dedicated to getting better.



Scars, I did have a few; memories lingering on my body. I remembered the people I was cutting for. All the faces lying in faded slices. The pain I felt dulled; my indifference towards humanity sharpened. What did they matter to me anyway?! I realized how they would never really see the scars, never see my pain, never feel it. Fuck them. Now that they've all but healed and disappeared, I no longer thought about those people.

We were lying on our sides on top of Jay's bed, arms crossing to keep us together. We might not have had sex, no need to rush things that time. Jay kissed me every so often, giving me some time to think.

"Jay," I whispered.

"Yeah,"

"I'm still feeling a little uneasy,"

"Why Selena? Go ahead and tell me,"

"It's just that..."

Jay squeezed my arm lightly as I talked.

"It's just that I'm not sure what you want from me,"

"What do you mean?"

"Why do you hold me?"

"You mean something to me,"

"You mean something to me too, but why me? After everything?"

"Because my heart won't choose someone else."



Amy and I hadn't talked since the mishap in the parking lot. We were waiting outside of Chemistry, and occasionally I'd glance over at Amy nervously.

I'd think about our little big kiss, how our lips meet in the middle of a shared sadness. Was I really crushing on Amy again? It almost felt unnecessary, but I think I was. I argued with myself every time I looked over at her. Maybe it was some sort of emotional hiccup. I looked back at Amy and went to get a drink of water.

I pushed my hair all onto my left side as I dove into a drinking fountain. I stayed underwater as I thought about the little pucker.

When I brought my head up, Amy was leaning against the wall to my right. She didn't say anything at first, but I saw the thoughts swirling around in her cerulean eyes. You really could just see rapid thinking fire off in her head, if you knew what to look for. The way her brow furrowed, the constant puckering her black lips tried resisting; Amy had to have been thinking about me.

She looked down, mumbled something incoherent, and made eye contact again.

"Yeah..." I whispered.

"Selena," Amy started as I looked down on her, I was only a few inches taller.

My lips pressed together, ready to hear her finally.

Amy stepped forward and hugged me, resting her forehead opposite to my wavy hair. With yet another silent hug, I questioned how many apologies I've truly received and how many were inferred; how many have I given? Could I give one now?

No.

Amy lifted her head, leaving a red mark on her pale skin.

"Do you want to go to class?" she asked.

"Not really, what about you?" I asked. I saw "what about me" being pitifully asked throughout her face.

"No, me neither. Should we just go?"

"Where?" I asked quickly.

"You just wanna go eat somewhere?" Amy asked.

Sighing at my weakness, I asked if she wanted to smoke at my place first.

"Sure... I mean I've never smoked before," Amy told me.

We started to head out when I looked back. Mr. Daniels was disapprovingly shaking his head at us.

We were sitting across from each other on my bed. I had pulled out an ounce from my dresser, my pink pipe already in hand, and I packed a bowl. I slid the pipe over to Amy; she held it awkwardly in her hand, fiddling it between her fingers like a flute.

"Umm... I'm not sure how to do this actually," Amy stated confusingly.

"You see that hole on the side?" I guided.

"Uh-huh, not the mouth piece, I take it?" Amy asked pretending to breathe in from the side.

"Yep. Alright, now cover it with your thumb," I directed.

"Like this?" Amy said, now holding the piece firmly in her hand.

"Exactly!"

"Sweeeet," Amy said.

"Okay, now light it up!"

Amy picked up the flame, holding it like a detonator.

"Don't hold the lighter like that," I said chuckling a little

"I think I know how to use a lighter, okay, okay," Amy said confidently.

"Amy, hit it with the side of your thumb, not with your nail."

I gestured with a side swiping thumb.

"Oooh, I see, whoops."

"Okay, now, light it," I commanded eagerly.

Amy looked at the green bowl, then at the lighter in her shaky hand, and then finally she rested her eyes on eyes on me like the rising sun. With a spark, the dawn burned across Amy's freckled nose; the horizon etched orange in a burst. The sun hung low to the earth as Amy's eyes and the fire meet on the grassy plateau.

The lighter was quickly burning away the bowl, "There, not too long!"

Amy put the lighter down; the piece was still pressed to her lips.

"Now breathe in normally."

Amy's chest grew as she filled her lungs with smoke. The ember glowed faintly but it grew downward rapidly.

"Jeez don't hit it so hard!"

Taking the pipe away from her face, Amy held both the pipe and her breath. She looked at me and I sarcastically pretended to exhale. At first coming out in a stream, Amy's face erupted when she began to cough uncontrollably. I remembered how silly I felt the first time.

"Hahaha you're going to cough up a lung," I laughed.



"How do you feel?"

"Wha-- Well...smooth, I guess."

"Haha, smooth? Your eyes are pretty glazed, Jones."

"Oh shit, no waaay. I wanna go see."

"What's the matter?"

"Haha, I can't get up,"

"You good right there?"

"Yeah, yeah... no."

"Selena,"

"Yes?"

"I'm reeally stoned."

"Hahahaha,"



         The sound of tires rolling up the driveway wrung in my quiet house.



"Wait. Do you hear that?"

"Actually..."

"Shit! Shit! Shit! My mom's here!"

"So? She knows you're quitting."

"No, she'll still smell my room, you ditz!"

"What do we do? What do we do?"

"Umm, umm- out that window!"

"Here I'll spray some perfu-- Aww, I dropped the pipe!"

"Just go!"

"Okay, okay,"



"Look Selena, it's alright if you kissed me, hey whatever. We both know you love me because I'm awesome like that, and I know you don't like talking about it but I won't tell nobody, cause you don't need nobody else, and I don't need nobody else. We're like Bonnie and Clyde only, only, we're girls so it's like Bonnie and Heidi or something. You don't need to worry about kissing girls if you like them if you want, why not? Just don't tell that one boy Gabe, Jake, Jack, Zack, Zack! Jay? Jay? Okay, Jay, anyway..."

"Yeah?"

"Jeez, doesn't he like you?"

"Yeah, yeah, something about him..."

"My Selene's got a cute boyfriend,"

"Hmph,"

Do you remember that time, Selena, when we went to the bathroom, I think it was 9th grade and--

--and we burned one of the stall doors!

Yeah,

"Hahaha we were trying to smoke cigarettes, right? You were trying to cover up the smell with perfume! Again!"

"Yeah, but, but, you were trying to light it again and, and-- WHOOSH... AH!"

"Hahaha you burned the tip of my bangs! Almost got my nose, and there was that huge burn mark on the door!"

"Haha maybe you shouldn't be trying to smoke in the bathroom?"

"I didn't after that!"

"Ha... You know, you're kinda a bad influence on me,"

"Sometimes you need a bit of a wild streak, couldn't hurt you,"

"I'm too wild; I'll go savage, rawr,"

"You were already a little wild when I found you, but now you're my best friend,"

"Yeah, and do you need me to even say it, black cherry?"

"Why not? You never know how things will be tomorrow, or ever really.

"You are definitely my best friend, haha mi mejor amiga," Amy spoke, over-pronouncing.

"You've been paying more attention in Spanish, huh?" I asked.

Amy answered with a smile, and said "No, I've been paying attention to you more."

"Usted tambi es mi familia," I said in Spanish.

"You're a part of mine, too," Amy laughed.

I sighed, what was so bad about being sober again?

"We should stop and get something to eat right about now," Amy suggested.

"Let's pull in through the drive thru," I recommended.

"I'm driving," Amy said starting the car, "Kind of glad I didn't park in your driveway."

Thinking about my mother arriving home early, I whispered, "Yeah, I'm lucky."



What I saw from the passenger seat was a blaze of orange hues reflecting off the windshield. The night sky heralded burnt images unheard of until tonight. Amy turned the corner. Black smoke and clouds of darkness devoured the light of the moon. The smoke was crawling up the sky, emancipating the heavenly glow of the stars, and spelling fire across the sky.

Then I saw it: my life was an inferno.

My house, my home, was being incinerated before my eyes. So many colors, all rushing me at once; I saw them all: Swirling waves of coral and titian flooded out of the crackling dam of a fire. Amy was glaring at me but I... could... not... turn... away. Once where my house was, now lay a burning beast, writhing in its own fury and chaos. There was already a fire engine present, a giant red machine battling the fiery massiveness.

Slowly skirting up the hill in Amy's car, I bolted out the door and slid over the hood of the car. I twisted my ankle when I landed on the other side, but I still hobbled over to my yard. Coming up on the curb, I could barely hear the yelling and screaming, the car doors slamming behind me, the spray of the fire hose, because I was running towards the endlessly burning maw.

Then I was falling. My footing disappeared from under me as I flew in an elegantly ungraceful swan dive. My head bobbed upward as my chin slammed into the ground. I ferociously looked back at what had tripped me. It was Amy, looking forward with fire burning in those cerulean eyes. She had fallen over trying to stop me. I wasn't going to. I tried standing but Amy was already holding me down-- no, hugging me. I lost the will to push forward. Instead, I cried out at the flame that was consuming my life. The roar of the fire drowned my screams; the night was scorched away in seldom silence.



I woke up in Amy's bed, groggy and unfocused. I wasn't in pain but everything hurt. The ruffling of sheets, they raked my ears, was I laying in a pile of leaves? With my body rustling so much, I slipped completely away from dreaming. Hearing muffled murmurs from right out the door, I curled up to see and hear.

"--think it was me," I heard a female voice finish

"Don't be ridiculous," A young man had said, I immediately recognized Jay's voice.

Amy cleared her throat.

Through the shadow surrounding my door, and peering at the light, I saw Amy and she said, "We were smoking and then someone pulled up her driveway. I think I dropped the pipe while it was still going."

I clearly saw Jay shuffle in seat as he listened, "Come on, you can't be serious?"

"Look, it's not unheard of, okay," I heard Amy raising her voice, "but what else could have happened, Jay?"

"I don't know--," Jay nodded towards the doorway without looking in, "We should keep our voices down."

"I'm sure we're fine," Amy said, "She'll be okay, too."

My breathe slowed.

"Yeah, I hope so. I'm not sleeping until I know she's alright," Jay valiantly proclaimed.

I recalled the fire of the night before; suddenly these leaves felt dry and sharp. They weren't my own, but there I laid. My house burned to the ground? Could that have been Amy's fault? No matter how hard I gripped the sheets, I couldn't blame her. It was mine; the minute I started to go back to my old ways, my house went up smoke. It was just another sign to quit, another reason to give it up. I vaguely remember blurred images of my parents as I ran up to the inferno.

"Get some sleep, Jason, you'll need some energy for her," Amy said in a solid voice.

"She's the reason I'm always awake, I wouldn't miss a single minute."

"You don't have watch over her so much, you know," Amy said almost apologetically, "Selena,she's so strong."

I was washed over with this sensation, like being buried in the sand with my head sticking to far out, and then to be suddenly pulled out. I felt like I could stand on my own with the weight trickling off my shoulders.

"I've seen her stronger, before. But now..." Jay said leaning forward on the couch.

"Definitely. I remember this one time, she got in a fight with my sister's boyfriend," Amy said, sending me down a memory trip.

"Really, Selena?" Jay questioned, pausing in between his words.

I vaguely remembered him, but the more I thought about him, the more I could picture that piece of trash. His scraggly beard that was almost green in the filth; his long dirty brown hair didn't clean up his mug. He walked around like a rat in leather coat, scavenging for the crumbs of others.

Amy, possibly feeling and thinking the same thought, simply stated, "He was a lousy douche, but anyway!"

"He-- what, felt up on her?" Jay said. he did spend so many nights at that bar I saw him play at, he probably saw guys like that all the time.

"Yeah, alright he was just a fuck head, always grabbing on Mandy, I hated him," Amy said angrily, holding her hands tightly together.

Mandy, she was at a lot of Amy's fence meets, not always cheering her on though, if I remember correctly. Mandy looked similar to Amy, but she had different hair color, and she didn't dress so dark. She seemed normal, whatever that was. I could see her face scowling at Amy, while her mother and father cheered Amy on. She was pleasant to be around, but rarely when Amy was in the same room. I felt like I was swimming between two battleships firing at each other, but I had to get aboard to outlast the sea. I was caught in the wreckage, when that pirate sailed up to capture me.

"And he tried something with Selena," Jay spat at Amy's description.

"Yeah... I invited Selena over and he was getting to close to her. Mandy was right there! I mean, the fuck?"

We were sitting in Amy's living room upstairs, with her sister and her "boyfriend". Every time I said something to Mandy, he just stared me down; not like Jay, or any boy, but like some drunk at his bottle. It made me sick. Every time I stood up I saw his shadow turn, and imagined his hands all over me.

"What happened?"

I was talking with Amy and Mandy about the hair dye I use--that was back when my hair was a brighter red, like a cherry almost--and he reached over to me and grabbed some of my hair. I slapped his hand away uncomfortably, but he kept trying to grab some. I looked over at Amy, she was looking at Mandy with her hand pointing towards that scumbag. I could tell how angry Mandy was, but she must have been scared. Mandy was the ass kicking bitch Amy always said she was, but something had drowned her fire that night. Amy told Mandy to get him to stop but Mandy was just quietly looking away. It was twisted, an incorruptible person so backwards and cross. Amy hated them both, but loved her sister just as much, even if she wouldn't admit it to someone.

"Okay, so he went for her waist, and Selena drew back and decked him in the nose!" Amy said with a mile of enthusiasm, knocking the grim off her face. I too was smiling brightly under the sheets. He reached down, I lifted my leg up to my chest to block, and then I drew my fist back. I remember I had, "punched out his dorky nose ring," Amy said excitedly, throwing her fist with my memory.

"She definitely broke his nose, he was crying!" Amy laughed cupping her nose with both her hands. He started cussing wildly, but Amy and I didn't even bother taking him seriously, he just got up and left after he found his ring.

"No shit, deserved it," Jay commented. I smiled more, hearing Jay respond like Amy did.

"Mandy didn't like Selena much after that, but she admits he deserved it," Amy said sitting with her legs crossed. Mandy acted relieved, and at the same time was livid with me. She wanted me to leave, but Amy just took me downstairs.

"Did she leave him?" Jay curiously asked.

Amy laughed a little at Jay, and told him, "Focus on one girl's problems, pal."

Jay reluctantly scoffed, but he was only looking out for us. "What about you? Weren't you there with her?"

"Me, I'm fine haha," Amy lied, I could tell. Suddenly I felt the return of the fire with the turn in conversation.

"Come on, you gotta be a little shook up?" Jay asked, sounding pretty concerned.

Amy leaned against Jay's side, "I'm fine, worry about Selena."

Amy sat up after a second.

"Jay, listen," Amy said abruptly, breaking the night's silence in a whisper.

"Yeah?" Jay sat up on the couch, leaning on his elbows. I focused my ears.

"I need to leave here," Amy said loud and clear. Just like that, I could feel the nostalgia turn into melancholy.

"Where?" Jay humbly asked.

"This house, Lincoln, San Diego, California," Amy said in monotone.

I saw Jay turn in his seat, almost as if away from me. "Wait, seriously?"

"I'm tired of looking out my window and seeing the same damn neighborhood I've lived in my entire life," Amy proclaimed, looking out into the late hour sky.

"I can understand that, things can get pretty washed out, just boring," Jay attempted to comfort her. I didn't remember Amy complain about how things were, but I'd agree with her now.

"No... that's not it. There isn't anything keeping me here," She said blankly, almost feigning honest thought, but I knew she had to be lying.

"Go on," Jay said patiently, being right with her.

"It's just; I've fucked up again, Jay."

"How bad?" Jay frankly asked.

"Remember back in 8th grade," Amy said, her voice sounding horribly coarse.

I didn't.

"It wasn't you're fault, Amy," Jay said as she fell into his arms.

"I'm so scared, right now. I can't be around all this anymore."

"Why are you scared?"

"I really hurt Alex when I cheated on him," Amy said, bringing up her boyfriend. She had been so devoted to him at first, it was unmistakable love. Yet eventually, she had lost that touch with him, I saw her slowly fall away from him, her smile remaining only in her head. Something happened nearly every year to change things, always in a cycle of good and bad. Jay and me getting together must've been the up slant; Amy was bringing it downhill now.

"He won't talk about you, hasn't said a word. Amy, what happened?"

"He and his brother got into a fight, I think Troy's looking for me," Amy said.

I gasped under the sheets.

"Wait, Alex's older brother? Doesn't he know you live here?"

Amy shrugged.

"Then why did we bring her here, Amy?" Jay asked standing up.

"She doesn't have anywhere else to go," Amy solemnly stated.

"Are you kidding? Anywhere is better than here?!"

I had to get up, before things escalated further.

"What's going on? I overheard you guys talking."

"Don't worry, he won't hurt either of you," Jay said, vamping up in each step

"No, you shouldn't get involved," Amy unemotionally threw into the air.

"If he even pulls up, I'll smash his windows in," Jay said fury in his eyes.

"What's going on?" I asked.

"No! You don't mess with him," Amy said, almost urgently.

"He's not coming here," Jay said, pointing down to the floor like the ground we walked was under his jurisdiction.

"I don't want you getting hurt," Amy said quickly, making my head spin.

"I'll kick his--"

"What the fuck is going on?!" I yelled, throwing my arms down viciously.

Amy and Jay looked at me while I stood angrily in a t-shirt and boxers.

"Selena, I shouldn't stay here, Troy's probably looking for me," my best friend claimed without any resolve behind it.

"Amy, come on, we'll get you through this," I promised.

"Yeah, I'll take him on," Jay said with the utmost confidence I've ever seen him have.

"Thank you guys, but I still need to leave,"

"Why Amy?" I asked loudly.

"Because. Let's leave it at that and have a great day tomorrow," she said brushing her hair back behind her ear, smiling that same old Amy smile.

Jay looked at Amy, she nodded towards me, and I glanced at both of them.

Jay stood up and nudged me back into Amy's empty bedroom. He closed the door behind us.

I sat on the foot of my bed, frustrated in being isolated like some princess too prized to see her people's problem; I felt selfish, and angry, and too upset to want to be kept away.

Jay walked up, placed his hand on my knee, and knelt in front of me.



"No, Jay, don't comfort me. I want to know why she thinks she has to do this,"

"She wants to run away,"

"And you're letting her?"

"I didn't say I was."

"Then let me go out to her,"

"I think she needs some time alone, okay?"

"Jay, I just had my house burn to the ground, all I have are these clothes and my friends. Let me talk to her,"

"You have to give her time. Amy thinks she's the reason you have so little now. Let her think,"

"No matter how lonely we've felt, we've been there together. We have been through everything..."

"Maybe it's time you figure things for yourself,"

"What?"

"Amy knows what she's doing. She's a thinker. You've got to give her time to figure things out. Meanwhile, Selena, you've got to take care of yourself."

I thought about how even my pipe was destroyed in the fire, and how it probably started that very same fire.

"But we've been growing apart because of me, because I can't handle this addiction. I'm not ready to see her leave,"

"Then just tell me everything, I'll listen. Maybe you'll feel better,"

"I wish it was that simple,"

"Just tell me about her, about your addiction, and I promise you'll be able to talk to her,"

"The things that matter to me continue to fade away. Music, family, school, you, and Amy; I feel like I'm losing all of it. Every day, the world just becomes more colorless," I said holding my pitch-black red hair, "If I lose Amy, what else will matter to me?"

"She's going so she can live. Amy isn't dying, Selena, you'll see her again. Your parents are alright. I'm still here, we're all here. Everything still matters."

"You're an idiot, but you're right,"

"Selena..."

"You don't have to say anything else."

He didn't. Jay held my hand and knee as we sat in the dark together. I leaned over so our heads rested on each other. Jay's teeth gritted in silence; he had to be thinking about Amy. I put my hands on his cheek, warming my hands like the summer patio; I could sit here forever. Then again, forever had to wait a couple minutes more. I opened the door slowly; a stripe of light went down my face. When Amy noticed me, I opened the door wider and walked up to her. She smiled a tiresome smile as I sat next to her.

Amy's hair was put behind her ears as usually; it wasn't straight but wavy like mine.

"So you're leaving, Amy?"

"It seems that way, black cherry," said Amy with a hint of sweetness.

Bittersweet, actually.

"Are you sure?" I asked holding my biceps loosely.

"Yeah, let me tell you the whole story," Amy said with a smirk.

"Starting from when?"

"Remember how I said Alex left me in L.A.? Just took off without me," Amy said throwing her arm up in down weakly, "it started that night."

I listened intently about Amy's resilience; but that isn't my story to write. I just remember listening to her, like Jay listened to me. I realized that we were all going through hard times; all our worlds were a little out of whack. I just needed to give Amy time? As she tells me another story, I will give her all my time.



Sitting here, I realize it was another sad story, but she explained it so much better than me. Nothing I said coaxed her out of leaving. Jay was pretty upset, but we agreed to enjoy each day, no matter the future. Amy promised to see us again someday; Jay promised he would take of me, no matter what; me, I promised that I would stop faking it though life by smoking so much. After Amy left, I stayed with Jay for a few months until my parents found another place in Nevada. I don't think Jay would want me to tell that story either. I'm sorry, I know, but don't worry; there are some good memories there too. Emptying out my pipe again, I polished off the last of my supply; I'm still not high. All the joints and bowls, but I'm still not buzzed. But with memories like these, I won't mind.



Amy, Jay, and I were relaxing at a nearby park.

Jay knelt down with his back to me, and told me to get on. I wrapped my arms around his neck; Jay lifted me up by my legs. We stood there, my head leaning on his shoulder and my legs crossing around him. After laughing a little, I saw Amy standing in front of us with her trademark smirk.

"Race ya," Amy taunted, with the hill directly under us.

Without a second's notice, Jay and Amy took off with me piggybacking on Jay. Jay's legs carried us so fast, his legs hitting the ground in rapid blurs; Amy flying by just as fast. My head was bobbing up and down, my hair was waving in the breeze, and my bangs were parting. I could see the wind, the summer leaves were being carried along by that wind. The world never looked so vivid before:

The trees were solid greens living their fullest, the grass elegantly swaying, the sky as blue as the limitless ocean, and the horizon was the shore of the world. Amy turned back and smiled as I clutched Jay ever so tightly. Nearing the bottom of the hill, I realized just how happy we were together, all of us.

I'll always remember our last story.