Rising from the habit....

Who shall be my hero?
Who shall deliver me from my travails ?

Deeply, I mused, pondering when I would be free from these shackles.
These habits have become enormous chains, that have now strangled my creativity, my self, my total being.

It all started as an innocent intention, a little bite off the cherry, the seemingly innocuous but poisoned apple in the garden. I ate , yeah I ate, and I was delighted and I craved for more.

And then, litttle by little, I became indulged in this habit, nature of which I will not divulge at this time.
Not life threatening but it has gradually overwhelmed my being; to the extent that the need for this compulsive act has defied logic atimes.

So many mistakes, over and over again, some I guiltily admit of my own making.
I have rationalised, I have vowed, and my head has been bowed with grief.
Emotions all over the place, I have been lifted by joy, humbled by despair and lifted to the heavens by the desperate cravings I have felt.

Suffice to say. I am addicted to this habit, indeed it has held me bound.
Sadly I reminisce, wondering when the day of liberation would come...,
Several decisions have i taken, so many resolutions made.
Alas, it has all been to nought.
Quietly, and in fate I had come to accept this as part of my being.
Perhaps it is my fate, sealed and cast in stone.
Day and night have I cried, for reprieve and solace; yet I received none.
Or so I thought…

Over the years, I have been strengthened by the experiences I have had, and the very fact that I constantly try to overcome my weakness, gives me hope. Giving up or not trying at all, is what tantamounts to defeat.

Like a fairy tale, life could have its happy endings at the end of the story. It’s just that it may take longer, requires more patience to withstand the challenges, and there are no sudden heroes on horsebacks coming to the rescue to steal the show.

Yes, we are our own heroes, however long it may take us to know that. No matter how battered your self confidence may be, or the years it takes to fight each of your personal battles.
Family and friends may help, support groups could serve as a pillar in time of need, medical psychotherapy may even be needed but you always owe it to yourself to face those demons, to exorcise them, to fall and to rise, to prevail.

Years after, I am on that path , nay not of self discovery because I know who I am; rather of self actualization and personal redemption. I still make mistakes, occasionally I fall into my old ways, albeit briefly, but my confidence is unshaken, because I see hope, a light down the tunnel , and there is progress, which is what counts..., and gradually I will overcome.

Who shall be my hero?
Who shall deliver me from my travails?

Nay, I am my hero,
Nay, I will deliver myself.

I shall be free....

Post Tenebras, Lux - After darkness, light !


P.S : Dedicated to all who suffer from one addiction or the other